I belong to a group of many children who in the mid-nineties were "corrected" by neuro pharmaceutics. Somehow during that time frame loads and loads of kids were diagnosed with ADHD or ADD or a combination of both. The uprise of this neuro disorder trend went hand in hand with a pharmaceutical lobby. One who's goal it was to help these kids by correcting their behaviour with medication such as **Ritalin**, **Adderall** and later on **Concerta**. Now this is no conspiracy theory. These are actual facts. **This article by Alan Schwarz** for The New York Times explains how the pharmaceutical industry used the educational system to indirectly market their products to parents. >_“The numbers make it look like an epidemic. Well, it’s not. It’s preposterous,” Dr Conners, a psychologist and professor emeritus at Duke University, said in a subsequent interview. “This is a concoction to justify the giving out of medication at unprecedented and unjustifiable levels._” The reason I wrote this piece is to provide personal insight in how I dealt with the diagnosis and how I found a way to balance out my mind and becoming more in tune with my creative strength. As a filmmaker, but more important as a father and friend. ___

 ADHD diagnosed

I got diagnosed with ADHD when I was 8. At the time I went to a Montessori elementary school located in the suburban multicultural melting pot of the south-east of Amsterdam. As far as I can remember, I had a great time in school, although there were bumps in the road. I remember school detention, teachers telling me to be quiet, teachers telling me to sit still. Separate lunches in the school hallway due to several ignored warnings. Yet still, I have loads of good memories of that time. I think this had to do with the fact that I was young, and life seemed like one big adventure. At a certain point, I started to have one on one meetings outside of class. These meetings consisted of little interviews about what I liked and disliked about school. Sometimes we played games or with toys while we had these talks. After a couple of school meetings, I began to see a woman who worked at the hospital. She was a child psychologist. Once I started seeing her, I became more aware that something was going on. There is one memory that is still very clear to me. As I entered the hospitals waiting room, I looked at all the other kids sitting there. Must have been 25 of them at least, some with both of their parents. Now at the time I was just surprised that I wasn't alone. But looking back, it always gives me a weird feeling. As if it was too planned, too organised. Not sure if that sounds crazy, but that's the feeling that always stuck with me. I can't recall exactly what happened, but I was transferred to a different school. One where they could provide more attention to my educational progress. Classes held only 12 kids instead of the normal 25 to 30 children. That's the time I started to use Ritalin. Twice a day, 5mg each time. I was asked to keep a diary, which if I remember clearly continued for about 3 days, then I lost interest to write. The first page stated the following; "Today is the first day I used the pills. It feels like there are walking loads of ants through my brain". ___

 Ritalin

Like I said before, I have a lot of good memories from my childhood. And although I lost the details, my school results were getting better while on Ritalin. And that does make sense. What Ritalin basically does is rewire parts of the brain so that there is more focus and less distraction from impulses around the person taking Ritalin. I was able to finish tasks and read more. All these things are positive developments if school results are a predominant target. And besides the positive school effects, I was also drawing like a maniac. A sort of hyperfocus. Now it's said that hyperfocus is one of the many diagnostics for ADHD, yet I do remember being much more in tune with the things that I drew when I was on Ritalin. I was able to get very detailed with the things I drew. However, the side effects were there as well. For example the drastic loss of appetite resulting in low **BMI.** I ate an extra meal of 4 to 6 slices of bread before going to bed to gain some weight. Another side effect that was much more devastating was the fact that Ritalin affected my social skills. It always felt as if I was in some sort of vacuum. As if the thoughts and possibilities to interact with my surroundings were there but I just couldn't express them. At a young age, this was something I took for granted as I simply didn't know better and was under the impression that I was doing what was best for me.

It was during my late teens that the social aspect became more of a problem. In high school, nobody in my class knew I took Ritalin. I was somewhat ashamed of that cause it made me feel like an outsider while I wasn't. I was actually a pretty popular kid in school. Sometimes I skipped my Ritalin. At first, because I forgot but later on I did it to allow myself to be more active, funny and social. It was the same time I started dating this girl, and that's when I began to understand the effects Ritalin, had on me. Being on Ritalin, everything sort of toned down. I was more down, with less saturated emotions. Having small talk or conversation, in general, was minimised. Not because I didn't want to talk to people but because the answers I formulated where short, convenient and pretty much conversation killers. I must have come across as a "weirdo" because once the Ritalin started working off, an energy rush took a hold of me. So I was going up and down creating significant misunderstandings in my teenage love affair. But most teens encounter broke hearts. I can't entirely blame the Ritalin. >_Although drugs are immoral and must be kept from the young, thousands of schools pressure parents to give the drug Ritalin to any lively child who may, sensibly, show signs of boredom in his classroom. Ritalin renders the child docile if not comatose. Side effects? "Stunted growth, facial tics, agitation and aggression, insomnia, appetite loss, headaches, stomach pains and seizures." Marijuana would be far less harmful._ **Gore Vidal ** It was two years after I graduated high school that the side effects became more intense. At first, I felt as what I would now describe as **"too much coffee" ** effect. A feeling of little anxiety or nervousness. As if your extremely late for something but you can't figure out what it is. These anxiety feelings started to turn into paranoid feelings. When I walked down the street, I paid close attention to my surroundings as if something bad was about to happen. At one point it became too much. I constantly felt as if I was being followed while I obviously wasn't. That's when I decided to stop taking Ritalin for good. I was 18 at the time. I had been taking Ritalin for over 10 years. ___

 Cannabis

Once I stopped using Ritalin, I was all over the place. Which had it's pro's and cons. Yet I felt something was missing. That moment focus kicked in was now gone. I had to create my own focus, and I found that pretty hard to do. I mean, what was this focus thing anyway? Where could I find this in myself? I couldn't answer that question myself, so I turned to an alternative; Pot. The first time I smoked, I was all over the place as well. But the more I did it, the more I figured out which types of weed worked best for me. Soon I noticed I had a very low tolerance so I could roll tiny joints and still be high as a kite. It also didn't took me long to step to hashish instead of weed. What I appreciated about hashish was the sort of milder effect it had on me compared to weed. Weed gave me a feeling of being really grounded and heavy as if the gravity levels were turned up more. With hashish, this was not the case. >_“Marijuana is a useful catalyst for specific optical and aural aesthetic perceptions. I apprehended the structure of certain pieces of jazz and classical music in a new manner under the influence of marijuana, and these apprehensions have remained valid in years of normal consciousness.”_ **Allen Ginsberg** I went to art school in my early twenties. At the time I was smoking hashish on a daily base. Looking back at that period I guess the main reason for smoking so much was that my whole lifestyle revolved around art and a lot of free time. I was drawing every day and started to paint murals as a side gig. I was a photographer at Artis, the Amsterdam Zoo and later on I started working in an arthouse video rental store. Everything I did revolved around creativity and making things. I found hashish a good companion in my daily activities. Although I kept smoking after art school, the frequency became much less. I started to work as a freelance video editor, a job in wich you need a lot of patience, preciseness and creativity which worked really well with hash. It was the client communication part that didn't really worked out being high so I had to become much more accurate and disciplined when I smoked. I guess that was the first step in a direction of a balanced mind. I did not eliminate my hash consumption. I simply planned it better I could enjoy and be productive. ___

 Vipassana Meditation

 Introduction

Around spring 2012 I had a long talk with a friend of mine who was also my acupuncturist and treated me for some plant allergies. Due to the holistic approach of acupuncture, we ended up talking about my use of hashish. My friend, who knew me over a decade suggested that my use of hashish was actually keeping me down mentally. She explained to me that she had been practising Vipassana meditation for many of years and that I really helped her with living a focused life. She added that It might do wonders for my concentration issues. The original Vipassana Meditation is thought through a ten-day course. If you take part in such a course, you have to obey the **code of discipline** which includes the separation of men and women as well as no speech or eye contact during the ten days of the course. A bit hesitant at first I decided to do the ten-day course. Although It is not allowed to explain the technique in detail, I can tell how I came into contact with parts of my subconscious. At times frustrating but in the end, it was a life-altering event.

 10-day course

From the start, I enjoyed the solitude and quietness that surrounded me. The total group, man and women, was about 80 people, yet I hardly realised they were there. The audio readings by **Mr S.N. Goenka**, the leading figure behind the re-introduction of Vipassana Meditation, were calm, relaxed and full of humour. It was a step by step process which allowed for full attention to all the details. The thorough daily repetition made it possible that some of the anecdotes that Mr S.N. Goenka provided in his talks are still with me when I meditate.

_Mr S.N. Goenka and his wife Elaichi Devi Goenka_ What I found mind blowing was the fact that silence and focus on nothing but yourself brings forth a tsunami of emotions. At first, this resulted in chaotic thoughts and restlessness. But as the days went by it was as if I sunk deeper and deeper into my subconscious. I started to feel much more connected to my body, and I noticed that certain parts of the body were sort of locked or heavier than other regions. My abdominal area was the most dominant in heaviness and later on I learned that this is where you store a lot of feelings such as creativity and anger.

 Outer body experience

It was during day 7 that I encountered what I think was an outer body experience. I noticed something was changing during my meditation the moment my abdominal area started to feel lighter and more open. Then a sort of white light elevated from my spine to the top of my head. From there on everything became illuminated, as if I was in a room filled with dazzling lights. While this was happening, my skin felt almost electrified, buzzing with small sensations. Sort of like goosebumps but not as cold. After the meditation session, I walked into my room while I was overwhelmed with feelings of gratitude, joy and what some might call a state of extasy. That was the moment I realised that the human capabilities are far more expandable than we generally think. It made such an impact on the way I thought about myself.

During the course, We did sessions of one hour and Mr S.N. Goenka advises you to keep those sessions going in your everyday life. Still, it's hard to find the time in modern life. I still meditate every day. I wake up and have 20 to 30 min sessions wich are a perfect transition from sleep to being awake and echoes through the entire day. The reason why I wrote this piece has to do with the fact that the western approach towards balancing the mind is often looked upon from a medical or psychological way. And somehow those ways never worked out for me. It was through Vipassana meditation that I learned how to handle my turbulent thought flow and be able to discipline myself at times of need. For those in search of balance and focus give it a try. There are Vipassana courses all over the world. To look for a course near you **have a look here.**