The obstacle is the way …

… alright, follow me into my darkness

instabämm

Most people see me as a happy luminous being.

Polarity, law no. 4 "all truths are but half-truths"

Yes, I can shine a light and I care a lot about seeing the same sparkle in your eyes. But light & darkness are the same and can't exist without the other. All paradoxes may be reconciled.

rhythm, law no. 5 "the pendulum manifests in everything. The measure of the swing to the right is the measure of the swing to the left."

Ten months ago, I started the process. I wanted to get it out. I always knew that something had happened during my childhood. But there are no words, rarely images. How to heal from what's invisible to you? Noone will ever believe you, noone understands. Do you believe yourself, huh?

Psychologists try to explain what survivors hardly know how to speak about.

DISSOCIATION

The ones analyzing and researching it, writing scientific books about it are not the ones feeling it. The ones feeling it are speechless. In a world ruled by abusive sociopaths who forbid us to talk before we even started being aware, there’s no way explaining what they do. This is their reality. And when you rule the world you take away all the words that people could use to weaken your superiority, you erase the possibility to describe what has happened to them and still is happening, you take away all those words that would describe what they need and what they "know". Just like George Orwell explained in an appendix to the book 1984.

The purpose of Newspeak was not only to provide a medium of expression for the world-view and mental habits proper to the devotees of IngSoc, but to make all other modes of thought impossible. It was intended that when Newspeak had been adopted once and for all and Oldspeak forgotten, a heretical thought -- that is, a thought diverging from the principles of IngSoc -- should be literally unthinkable, at least so far as thought is dependent on words. Its vocabulary was so constructed as to give exact and often very subtle expression to every meaning that a Party member could properly wish to express, while excluding all other meaning and also the possibility of arriving at them by indirect methods. This was done partly by the invention of new words, but chiefly by eliminating undesirable words and stripping such words as remained of unorthodox meanings, and so far as possible of all secondary meaning whatever.

You don’t believe, that words have been taken from us or are designed to limit you? Well, following this concept: How would you know?

I give you a hint.

When there's a disorder with hardly any clarity but many different definitions like dissociation take it as a lead. We faced that for many years with Dissociative Identity Disorder. It took scientists and psychologists years of hard work to convince the mainstream that this disorder comes from abuse during childhood years. The forces working against it were very strong. The abusers are strong in our society. You've got no idea how strong and powerful they are. Research how the False Memory Syndrome got invented. AND WHO INVENTED IT. And when you understood try understanding this:

It's kind of the same with any other symptom relating to this subject. Like dissociaton, not to be confused with Dissociative Identity Disorder where people actually split their personality. Some try confusing us, explaining Dissociation as this state where people just zoom out when they're stressed. That's not even close. Others explain more accurately that victims of abuse dissociate by talking about the abuse as if about someone else. That's close but just as close as the perspective of an observer can be. I am living with it.

I am not talking about the abuse

AS IF

it had happened to someone else.

There's no as if in dissociation. I am not dissociating when I'm talking about it, I did back then. I went away. I left the scene. I couldn't face it so I didn't. I swear, I wasn't there.
This huge misunderstanding between therapist and patient leads to …

DENIAL,

which is another symptom. It’s about survivors playing the abuse down or even telling that something like this wouldn’t happen in their family e.g., against better knowledge.
Please understand us. We’re not denying it. We’re struggling with so many things at the same time. First of all, with dissociation. If you ask me: It did not happen to me even though it did. There are 9 years of my childhood that I cannot remember. So, what ever occurred on the surface at any other time, I watch it like a movie. I split back then and whenever I’m thrown back to one of those moments I am in the perspective of the one who saw it happening and then turned away quickly. So, I’m still not the one who stayed. Not my body-self, I’m someone else.

sexual behavior

Whoever I asked, most people seem to believe that sexual abuse during childhood leads to rejection and resentment of sex in adulthood. Wrong. It can lead to this extreme behavior; the pendulum may as well swing into the other direction. It can lead to promiscuity and any other extreme sexual behavior to the point of reenacting what has happened. Some of us have been made believe that the only way to show our affection is through sex. Abusers want you to believe that survivors aren't interested in sex. Why? This way you’ll always convinced it can’t be happening that often. Because you yourself have hardly ever met anybody who wouldn’t like sex. And if you may be facing strange memories about your own childhood and start asking yourself these questions, you’re immediately derailed by this concept. So, if that’s the main symptom people know about, it always stays a minor problem. Believe it isn’t. This world is a stage. And that’s its backstage.

REPRESSION

That’s a tough one. I’m glad that lately we’re starting to understand a lot more about how our minds work. Because I suspect ”they” knew it all along. Most people know about sexual abuse as a domestic crime, just a handful knows about systematical abuse. Not all abuse happens out of sexual desire, in fact most of it doesn’t. It is a power tool. Some sociopaths are training sleepers and slaves. And those are the powerful abusers that don’t want you to know more than a thing or two about sexual abuse. All those symptomes are one. One thing that we don't have a word for.

This is what I know and want you to know. I wrote about my own experiences 10 months ago and I’ll go on the next days. That’s the story so far.

And here we go on.