The Eight Behaviours of Highly Dysfunctional Festival Goers

As I write this, sitting in my office trying to come to terms with the now three-day hangover I’m struck by something. In all the festivals I’ve attended, be it Reading, Creamfields, Glastonbury or Oktoberfest the same people always attend. Well not the same people…but hear me out.

I will in this article highlight who is always in attendance at a festival:

1: The Go Hard Or Go Home

Usually found in various states of undress within hours, this man is here to show the world alcohol is just a challenge. You’ll see them in the pits, you’ll see them in the medical tents and you’ll see them passed out randomly around the grounds, and it’ll only be halfway through the first day. By the end of the night look for this particular individual asleep in the mud surrounding the portable toilets or if extremely hardcore on the dance floor, often sweaty, with moves one can only describe as ‘the drunken shuffle’.

2: The Chemical Enthusiast

Whilst most terrifying in appearance, be assured reader this person is totally harmless. Eyeballs like saucers, flailing limbs and a penchant for overbearing affection are simply the way the chemical enthusiast exhibits his joy.

3: The Instagrammers

Granted, using a picture of a beautiful woman surfing a crowd is not quite the correct example to use but... always to be found phone in hand, the instagrammer sees no joy in the actual partaking of festival activities. With the world constantly being viewed through the eye of a lens, these heavily sepia’d individuals pose, snap and video their way through the fun. #NoFilter #JustMyNormalDay #ISwearIAlwaysDoThis #Hashtag

4: The Old-School Raver

No I guess nothing will compare to ’64 Woodstock, but the fact that you still own and wear the t-shirt is a little bemusing. Be prepared for ramblings about “the clueless direction of music today” and the semi-elitist group of 50-somethings that refuse to be seen as an actual part of the crowd. Or they'll just be toasted on the sidelines having a whale of a time! I've seen great ones, I've also seen some bad ones.

5: The Lost Pop Fan

Yes I did search 'beliebers' for the pic ;). Like a wounded gazelle on the Serengeti, the pop fan is just in trouble. She is to festivals what Atlantis is to the world: utterly lost. Preyed upon by the jostling, bumping, moshing headbangers (see 6), the Pop Fan doesn’t see why people need to bump into each other to sing along to the latest hits. She is also unable to understand why the rude people behind her have such contempt for her heartfelt glittery sign stating “Marry me [add any useless teen hearththrob]”, if you can’t see the stage, just move out of the way.

6: Headbangers

Utterly at poles to the pop fan, these slightly intimidating attendees are firm believers that a festival has not been enjoyed or appreciated without repeated sub-concussive injuries to the brain, with a dose of neck trauma to boot. Usually found sporting a chain, leather, or heavy boots do not engage dear reader, unless you have an enjoyment of all things unnecessarily violent.

7: The Exhibitionist

A stalwart in any European festival, we can only hope the next festival I attend features live crowd cameras in order to fully exploit this one. The exhibitionist has spent years flying under the radar. Fully under the impression her breasts –which somewhat resemble two rugby socks with tennis balls stuffed in the bottom- are a gift for the world to enjoy, this usually unattractive person will mount a poor fellow’s shoulders and display her pair of personalities for the world should the opportunity arise. However, that also depends on the music, should you find yourself at a house music festival your chance of a nice display increase by a matter of at least 80% - proven.

8. The Veteran

These guys have been to all the festivals and all the gigs of all the bands who are at the festivals. They tend have quite a tale or fifty to tell which are usually, more often than not, complete bullshit. You have a good story about a previous festival you went to? Well this guy has a better one. Every time.