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If you have little doubt as to if a woman will agree to your marriage proposal, I have the perfect remedy. All you need is some clay, megaphone, money for full tank of car fuel, black paint and two cowries.

Mould the clay into a small gourd that fits into your hands. Press the two cowries at opposite sides of tip of the gourd. Paint the gourd black. At this stage, you should have what looks like a talisman.

Step two: Book an evening date with the woman. Make sure you have a full tank in your car. It shouldn't be a borrowed car because if you can't afford to own a car, what the hell are you doing marrying? No offence to y'all married folks without cars though.

Step three: Keep driving the car until you're way out of town, all the while reassuring her that it will be worth it. Play gospel tracks if you must. When you're in the middle of nowhere, hit the accelerator hard. Let the car keep on making noise without you moving. Walk to the bonnet. Call her to come hold something for you outside. Lock the door behind her and go into the car. Using the megaphone, threaten to leave her in the middle of nowhere if she doesn't agree to marry you. Once she agrees, bring out your talisman and ask her to swear on the name of a made-up god. Trust me, over 90% of people around here may be religious but still fear the old gods — you cannot take out the Africa out of the African. Superstition is still a part of our cultural make up.

Congratulations, you're now a 'happily' married man.

Trust me, it works. I tried it in my previous human life. Though she poisoned me a few days after the honeymoon, I got to marry the woman of my dreams.