HOW TO RUiN AN EMPIRE EPISODE VIII:LANDLORD VADER PART TWO

After some meditation on the problem of the Death Star becoming a rent controlled... I mean a "rent stabilized" old folks home, I have decided to go with plan B. If you missed the first part of this transmission, you can find it here: Landlord Vader Part One

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Ok back to my plan.

I need the old people out so I can remodel the units for hotties and high rollers. I can't kill the losers (unfortunately) so I came up with a brilliant idea!

I just need to make this place so crappy that they will want to leave. Simple.

Step One: The Heat

We are located in space. In space there is no atmosphere to hold heat so it is really, really freaking cold. All I need to do is turn down the heat in those dwelling units. As soon as they figure out what is going on, I'm sure they will come to complain. I'll act all compassionate and say "I'm so sorry to hear you are cold. Please take me to your dwelling so I can feel it for myself." Then I'll stroll in and walk around for a bit and I'll say, "Huh. It feels fine to me." Of course it feels fine to me! My suit is climate controlled! I could get way past the first marker on Hoth in this thing. In fact I could hang out all day and night partying with a one armed Wampa without ever shivering at all. Idiots.

Makeameme

Step Two: The Water.

Old people love water. They are constantly drinking it and soaking their old bones in it. Some of them are even lucky enough to have it on their knee. How long do you think those old farts will last without it? Well, we will find out when I cut it off at random times throughout the day. I was going to just cut it permanently, but my boss said that is pretty much murder. Oh well back to the subtle approach I guess.

Makeameme

Step Three: It's a Trap

When they moved in, I told the tenants that they could renovate the dwellings. Many of them were stupid enough to listen. On Life Day, right when they are getting ready to sit down with their families to celebrate, my guys will bust in and BAM! They will hand them a lease violation warning letter for making the renovations. Then I'll only give them 12 days to put it back the way it was. If they don't? See ya!

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Step Four: Rodents

Awwwwwww yeah! This one is going to be good. Back on my planet we have these cute little animals called Womp Rats. They are about two meters long. They happen to be endangered so you certainly can't go around shooting them from sky hoppers or anything. Only a complete scumbag would do that. But what you can do is take them and breed them in your space station. Then you can set them free near the dwelling units of those low rent paying lightweights. The old ladies will try to jump up on chairs, but they won't be able to because they are so old and weak. And besides, the Womp Rats are bigger than chairs so what would jumping on a chair do? Nothing. That's what. When they come to me to get rid of the rats, I'll simply say, "I'd really like to, but you guys don't pay enough rent so I can't afford it." I don't even need to say all that with a straight face... because I'm under this mask. Losers.

How adorable
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Step Five: Lawyers

I have so many lawyers. And I mean the best lawyers. We can sue the tenants for not paying their rent. What's that you say? They did pay their rent? Who cares? Once I haul them into court 5 or 52 times, they will cave. They always cave. Wimps.

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Step Six: Repairs and Supplies

Remember my line about "I'd really like to, but you guys don't pay enough rent so I can't afford it."? The beauty of that line is that it will work for so many things like repairs and supplies. Oh one of our 10,000 hallways has no lightbulbs and it's dangerous to get through with your walker? Tough toe nails! Can't afford it.

Your door is broken and you can't get out to buy food? Oh well, guess you'll be able to fit through the crack once you lose 100 pounds (or kilos... whatever). The elevator is broken and you can't walk up stairs with your bad hip? Boo hoo... use the garbage elevator. The dianoga monster could use some company.

You have a water leak in your unit and it's destroying all of your belongings? Look on the bright side. The mushrooms growing on the wall and floor look scrumptious! I've got a great recipe for risotto that is just to die for (for some reason, I enjoy mine with peppers).

Valentyn Ogirenko

Step Seven: Health Concerns

Ok these dummies are pretty old. This means that some will definitely have health conditions or allergies. Let's just say one of them has trouble breathing. All I have to do is get a maintenance crew to only repair things around her unit so that it kicks up all sorts of dust. There's no way she will stick around if she can't breath? Not everyone can afford a sweet helmet like me.

I don't like to brag, but you have to admit that this is an amazing plan. It can't possibly fail. Within six months, all of these ancient losers will leave and we will be able to redevelop the units for you worthy, high-rent paying people.

I can't wait. It's going to be great!

Image from Uhmm... not kidding