What happens when the only thing that makes you happy, also makes you sad?
HELLO, EVERYONE!!
HI!!
HOWDY!!
HELLO!!
I’M THE MADMAN LIVING INSIDE THE MADMAN LIVING INSIDE @BRANDT’S MIND’S MIND!!
NICE TO SEE YOU AGAIN!!
TONIGHT IT IS MY ABSOLUTE PLEASURE, TO INTRODUCE TO YOU, THE ONE AND ONLY MADM—
Shut your fucking face, madman. I don’t need any introduction from you tonight.
BUT I WAS JUST TRYING TO—
Shut your goddamn fucking face! One more word outta you and this whole show goes up in fucking smoke forever!
…
…
Good madman!
That’s a good madman!
Ahem.
Good evening and hello.
It’s me again, the madman living inside @brandt’s mind.
Welcome to Episode 1 of Week 2 of The Neverending Standup, which is also Episode 5 of Season 1, and also Season 1, Week 2, Episode 1.
If you’re confused right now, that’s okay, because so am I…
Anyhow!
It’s so good to see all of your big beautiful smiles again!
Although, I honestly can’t tell for sure if you’re smiling at me, or gnashing your teeth at me right now, because I was up all night and my eyes aren’t really focusing correctly right now.
That’s right, insomnia!
If you’ve never tried it before, I highly don’t recommend trying it!
Last time I was up here rambling like a madman, we met the madman living inside my mind, which was a bit unexpected to be honest. But! I was able to fend him off over the weekend by abstaining from alcohol. I haven’t had a drink in three days, which means his influence is severely limited, which is good. On a completely unrelated note, I also haven’t been able to sleep for three days. But that’s okay, I’ve always been a sucker for sleep deprivation! It makes you feel so alive inside the part of you that’s dead inside!
So, last night I went to bed, because I wanted to sleep, and sleeping is one of the main things you do in beds. So I figured, alright, this makes pretty good sense. There is a bed, that needs to be slept in, and here is me, who needs to sleep. I will now sleep, in this bed.
Unfortunately, my bed had other ideas.
What in hell do you think you’re doing, lying down all over me like that! You get yourself right the fuck outta me, right the fuck now!, my bed respectfully suggested to me.
So I did as my bed suggested, and as I rose up from it, I sent an imploring look over to my nice and cozy reclining La-Z-Boy and it immediately said Not a goddamn chance, @brandt.
Which worked out fine in the end, because that was about the same time I heard my carpet ask—nay, demand—that I begin pacing back and forth across it for an unspecified length of time, but bare minimum, at least until the sun comes up.
So I paced back and forth,
back and forth,
back
and
forth,
all night long.
It was a ton of not fun, and I highly don’t recommend trying it!
Anyway,
all that to say,
if you were wondering why I’m standing up here holding this 100-ounce travel coffee mug…
that’s why!
Yes, it IS full of straight espresso!
Actually I’m think I’m down to about three-quarters full now! I do believe I chugged the first 25 shots right on the spot right there in Starbucks!
I don’t know how the rest of you handle sleep deprivation, but I like to handle it with intentional drug overdoses!
On my way here this evening I made my way shakily into that Starbucks and I ordered—nay, demanded—that no less than 100 shots of espresso be deposited immediately into my gigantic-ass travel mug, and as I stood there with both of my eyelids twitching furiously and my nostrils flared as if prepared to exhale fire from on high and my travel mug extended in the general direction of the barista, he just stood there staring at me like I was some kind of madman!
You want… 100 shots of espresso!?
That’s right you heard me right young man! I want 100 shots, in this mug, right the hell now, or I’m gonna sic my army of immortal robot goats and programmable robowolves on you for threatening me with not being allowed to have ONE HUNDRED SHOTS of espresso in this mug, right the hell now!
And so here I am, glug, standing up here again for some reason with a whole bunch of nothing to talk about! Exhausted, but still can’t manage to find sleep! 100 shots of espresso on the wall, 100 shots of espresso!! Take one down, pass it around, 99 shots of—WAIT, why am I singing all of a sudden? What am I singing? And how did all that espresso get on the wall instead of down my throat? glug glug glug
Greetings, Madam Insomnia! Tonight I sleep with THEE!
What happens when the only thing that makes you happy, also makes you sad? glug You could give it up in order to stop being sad, but then you’ll just end up not being happy as a result. glug glug Is that a fair trade, to trade not being sad, for not being happy? Does that make any sense? How many days without sleep can you go before you just die of exhaustion? I heard the ancient Romans used to torture people by just not letting them ever sleep, until they just died! At least, that’s what I think I remember reading in Ripley’s Believe It Or Not back when I was, like, twelve! No! Wait! I was very much exactly like 12 at the time, and very much unlike 11, and 13, and all of the other numbers!
I was exactly TWELVE if I do recall correctly,
glug glug glug glug gl—
Dude. Are you okay?
Hurrhhh? What? Who's that!?
It's @brandt. Are you okay?
Hey @brandt. No. I’m okay. I’m fine. I’m exactly fine, actually, no more no less, and—
Madman, you have got to stop drinking so much.
I know, I know.
How much have you had?
I don’t know. I don’t know. Let me see. More than one but less than one hundred. Uhh, looks like… looks like, well, I guess I’ve had about 70 or 80 shots, I guess.
Jesus Christ, dude. … What is this you’ve been drinking, anyway? Is this espresso!?
Yeah.
Dude!
I know.
<sigh>
Look, I’m sorry man. I really am tr—
No. Just… just shut up, okay?
But man, I’m trying so hard to—
Shut your fucking face! I am just so fucking sick of your shit. If you won’t quit with the caffeine, then I’m taking us both back down into that neverending downward spiral you keep trying to get us out of!
No! Please, no! I’ll do anything. Anything at all! Please just don’t—
Shut your goddamn fucking face!! You’re drinking all TWELVE of these beers with me, right now, whether you like it or not!
But I—
Drink with me now, madman!
For tonight we sleep with Madam Inebriation!!
If it ain't got 100 shots them it came be called coffee!!
Madame inebriation will have the last word though, I'm sure
Every time I hear someone order some sugared up drink with a paltry 4 or maybe 5 shots, I always think, Aha! Looks like someone had a full 8 hours of deep, restful sleep last night!
Also, who is this nosdos bandit, and why does he seem to have a thing for you?
NOSDOS!!!
He was a bidbot abuser that pretended to be using them for a dog charity (which he made up) but he was exposed for being a fat fraudster.
I was one of the downvoters that poor an end to his bidbot abuser and now he shows his true colours by downvoting my comments. Lol!!
Sounds like a right classy bandit. Thanks for helping to take him down. I shall consider bringing him on as a new member of The New Church of Brandt.
You're heart is large. I daresay he could do with such a sterling figure to guide him!
Since he had a fake dog charity, I can only assume that he must be a lover of canines. He can sleep outside with the robowolves.
I think he does love them. Sadly, I fear all in the wrong ways... The robowolves would be too good for him.
I wonder if you could have placated the demands of the carpet by lying down on it, instead of pacing it. Do you think it would have accepted that? Probably not, it sounds like a cruel carpet.
All that espresso at Starbucks sounds really expensive. You are a high roller in their eyes. The barista was probably staring at you like you were someone famous and he just couldn't quite put his finger on who.
So Busy is giving me a permanent swirling circle instead of taking my vote, so hopefully that will go through at some point...
The carpet probably would have rolled itself up around me and smothered me to death. And the madman didn't pay for the espresso. He doesn't have to because he is a madman and can do whatever he wants.
Looks like Busy got off the merry-go-round and sent your vote through. I don't expect votes from anyone, but I do appreciate them when offered. So, thanks!
How many days without anarchy can you go?
Obey or die.
Bye
@tipu curate
Upvoted 👌 (Mana: 10/20)
A day without anarchy is a day wasted. Down with the aristocracy. Thanks for the curation!
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