Move to fucking Somalia you little piece of pirate shit.

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Hi everyone.

Hi.

Howdy.

Hello.

@brandt here, and I'm your host for tonight's show, apparently, because Madman #1 and Madman #2 are both off doing whatever it is madmen do on Halloween.

They're probably being dicks to the poor innocent ghosts who inhabit these hills, and riding the Corrupted Pegasus hell-for-leather into god knows what kind of trouble, and also hopefully dying slow and painful deaths at the bottom of vertical mineshafts.

But who cares what they're doing.

I don't care.

And if I'm being honest, I can barely even stand up right now.

I am so sleep-deprived.

If I fall asleep and fall off the stage and break my head open right in front of you all tonight, that'll be fine with me. Sure, it'll be bloody and messy, and it'll probably traumatize a lot of you for life, but hey, it'll be a whole lot of my problems, solved. Dead men have no problems, as the tales tell us.

36 hours. I think it's been about 36 hours now since I've had anything even remotely approaching decent sleep. So I hope you'll forgive me if my material for this evening seems a little—

BANG BANG BANG

TRICK OR TREAT

What the… Are you fucking kidding me? I live in the middle of literally nowhere, how did these little bastards manage to find me?

HI I'M A PIRATE.
Yes, that is apparent by your wooden sword and token eyepatch.
TRICK OR TREAT.
Well, my fine young pirate lad, unfortunately for you I have no treats available, because way back in 1717 a pair of pirates known as Hornigold and Teach stopped a ship sailing for Charles Town and relieved it of its entire cargo of Madeira wine, which was en route to the eventual coffers of my South Carolina ancestors. My bloodline has struggled with financial ruin ever since, and so I simply cannot afford to purchase treats for you.
UMM… MOM? WHAT SHOULD I SAY TO THIS MA—
I do have a trick for you, though: Wear you cutlass on your off-side, and draw it with your off-hand, so as to discombobulate your opponent. Because if they think you're left-handed, when in fact you're right-handed, well, that's pretty much curtains for them. Have you ever watched Princess Bride? Also, move to fucking Somalia you little piece of pirate shit.

Goddamn trick-or-treaters. How in hell did they find me way out here, anyway?

BANG BANG BANG

TRICK OR TREAT

Oh great, another one.

HI I'M A FIREFIGHTER.
Yes, you do appear to be an exact miniature version of our local asshole fire chief, complete with unnecessary axe and unbelievably inflated ego.
UMM… TRICK OR TREAT?
Well, my fine young firefighter lad, this is your lucky night, because have I got the perfect treat for you! Here is a plastic bag filled with ghost peppers. The best way to experience this treat, is to take all of the ghost peppers in this plastic bag, and then eat all of them all at once. That will make you a real firefighter, for sure. The kind of firefighter an asshole like our local fire chief would like to hire.
HEY MOM, I'M NOT SURE WHAT THIS MA—
You can do it, I believe in you. And so does our local asshole fire chief. Eat them peppers, lad, they'll make you a man.

Jesus fucking Christ.

BANG BANG BANG

TRICK OR TREAT

Are you fucking kidding me? Is two not enough? I already dealt with two of your kind, must I deal with more?

HI I'M A POLICE OFFICER.
Yes, I can see that, because you're white, male, and dressed in a police uniform; you're a racist misogynist pig; and you have a tiny dick.
TRICK OR TREAT.
Uhh, what?
TRICK OR TREAT.
You didn't even flinch at my attack, did you. What are you, twelve?
TRICK OR TREAT.
Okay, fine. Here's my trick: Conveniently forget to turn on your bodycam before shooting a black person in the back.
TRICK OR TREAT.
Uhh, okay, fine. Here's my treat: Steal the dead black person's wallet.
YOU ARE UNDER ARREST.

Goddammit.

BANG BANG BANG

TRICK OR TREAT

Jesus fucking Chri—

HI I'M AN ALTAR BOY.

Oh god,

Ohhhhhhhhh god.

What am I even supposed to say here?

I got not tricks for you, son,

but I do have a treat!

Here you go!

Bought a whole bag of these puppies just in case any of your kind came knocking!

Yes, that IS a penis lollipop you're looking at right now!

And yes, that IS an entire bag of erected penis lollipops, all for you!

Happy fuckin' Halloween, you madman!

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_{Penises are weird.}

_{THE NEVERENDING STANDUP — EPISODE 8 — “HALLOWEEN PENIS LOLLIPOPS”}

_{DAYS SINCE LAST ALCOHOL: ONE ENTIRE BAG OF ERECTED PENIS LOLLIPOPS}

_{All photos taken by me. All names changed to protect the privacy of the damned. This content may or may not include alternative facts. This content does not represent @brandt's actual beliefs or opinions about anything. This content is comedy. This comedy is content. Not recommended for children of any age. Penises are weird. Discord: brandt#1284.}

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