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Last night I wanted to fucking murder the madman living inside my mind.
And I still do, today. Because that was some of the worst standup I’ve ever witnessed in my life! The premise was bad, none of the jokes landed, it was just all-around awful! The madman living inside my mind is a terrible standup! And I feel bad for introducing him to you!
So I really have no choice here. I’ve decided that I won’t be permitting the madman living inside my mind to return for another round until he apologizes to me, and to you, and promises that he’ll never do anything so patently boneheaded ever ag—
Good evening!
Good evening, everyone!
Hello there!
Madman living inside @brandt’s mind here, back again for another round of The Neverending Standup, despite the fact that @brandt says I’m not allowed to come back and take my favorite stage today.
Awww, that's cute! He thinks he can control me!
LOL!
Could it possibly get any funnier than that? The madman's host, telling the madman what to do? LOL
And man oh man, could it possibly be any more clear to me right now, that most of you clearly wish I’d just walked off a cliff and died last night?
Well dunk me in blood and call me a madman!
I can’t remember a single time in my entire career where the applause has been so not deafening.
Damn! What can I say?
Okay, fine! Here's what I'll say!
So yeah, maybe that last segment I did was a bit too intense. I get why @brandt’s pissed, and why all of you all look like you just failed at your one and only chance of getting away with murdering your number one enemy.
It’s written all over your faces, people! Are you all insane? Murder is one of the thou shalt nots!
As in,
thou shalt not talk about murder!
If you’re planning to kill someone, don’t leave it written all over your faces like that, because that’s how you’re gonna get caught!
God definitely knew what he was talking about when he wrote that commandment. Take my word for it. Because I’m a madman, and I know a thing or two about getting caught.
Speaking of which. For a while now I’ve been conducting in-depth research into whether or not bills will pay themselves.
I haven’t been able to draw any solid conclusions yet, but I have been able to draw lots of attention from debt collectors!
It’s fine, I don’t mind. They think they’ve caught me, but really they’re just making me feel popular and important. Plus, it distracts me from the fact that most of the girls I meet stop responding to me after about four, maybe five text messages max.
Yes, that’s correct! I am currently on the market!
Anyone? Any takers out there?
No, not you. I actually meant anyone, literally anyone in the entire audience right now besides you. Sorry.
Anyone else? Anyone else at all? No? Okay, well don’t hesitate to come find me after the show if any of you, besides you, decide to change your minds!
So anyway! The main reason I’m on the market right now! Is because the girl I was seeing up until very recently somehow managed to be on the other side of the canyon when I set the bridge on fire and walked away!
I have no idea how this happened!
I thought we were going to set this bridge on fire together, Brianna!
I thought we were a team! What’s the point of working together to build something meaningful and lasting in this miserable pointless fucking life of ours if we’re just gonna end up on opposite sides of a goddamn bottomless uncrossable chasm after what should have been just your basic average everyday bridge burning! Are you seriously fucking kidding me right now, Brianna? Really? Are you really fucking serious right now? Literally all you would've had to do was take a machete to everything within armreach, drown as much of the remnants as possible in gasoline, toss out a couple cheap incendiary bombs, and then gtfo!! Tinder, if you fail me just one more time, I swear to God I’m gonna come swipe the everloving life out of you! It will be the last swipe you ever feel! The final swipe left, if you will! This right here thing you're looking at right here is the final goddamn leftswipe, you goddman Tinder shits!! This is for Brianna!!!
So anyhow.
Debt collectors!
Most people seem to hate debt collection calls for some reason. But me, I don’t mind.
And, I mean, well… I am on the market, after all. If you can see where I’m going with this. Yeah! That guy right over there got it! This guy gets it!
Why not take advantage of all these phone calls, right? Anytime a female debt collector calls me, I just ask her out! The way I see it is, they’ve already got my number… and now I’ve got theirs, too!
Could it possibly get any easier than that?
I haven’t had any luck so far, unfortunately.
But hey, neither have they!
Bad luck all around!
And since we’re talking about bad luck now, that reminds me, I recently got summoned for jury duty.
You might be thinking, aww man, not jury duty! Jury duty sucks!
Well, maybe it sucks for most people… but it definitely doesn’t suck for a madman on the market like me!
Let me explain.
Alright, who’s been to jury duty before? Raise your hand if you’ve ever been summoned for jury duty. Okay, okay, great. Looks like about a third of you out there have a pretty decent idea of where I’m gonna go with this one!
I don’t know how it works in other countries, but in America, potential jurors are sent through the fucking wringer, man!
All of these probing, personal, extremely sensitive questions about your background, your family, your marital status, your interests and hobbies, your knowledge of law. Level of education, degree earned. Physical and/or mental disabilities. Any bias or prejudice against law enforcement officers or the criminal justice system itself. Pretty much everything you’ve got on you, they want to have on you, too!
They do stop short of making you pull down your pants to prove you own the kind of genitals you say you own, fortunately. Which is very thoughtful of them, because if you identify as anything other than male or female, apparently you’re just completely fucked, because those are the only two options you can check on the juror summons intake form.
Hello and welcome to America! Please select which of these two Identity Cages you’d like us to lock you into forever! Please be advised that while you enjoy your stay here for all eternity, urination will cost you $1/piss, defecation will cost you $3/shit, but! You can get both for half off if you sign up for the United States of Awesomeness Rewards Card today and agree to let us sell all of your shit and piss to third parties who can do literally whatever the hell they want with it, including using it as evidence against you in court!
Let me explain.
It’s probably not obvious, but what I’m trying to say here is, the amount of information you can learn about complete strangers just by going to jury duty is nuts!
On a dating site, you’re looking at a short bio, maybe a few doctored up photos, and just barely enough basic personal details to make it mostly clear that you’re not some kind of dogshit bonkers serial killer.
But at jury duty, you’re looking at the real thing, plus a helluva lot more background info to help you decide which direction to swipe!
Forget Tinder’s silly Swipe Night experience… when are they gonna roll out Jury Booty??
Yeah, dunk me in blood and call me a madman!
I do believe what I’m looking at right here is an opportunity!
Yes, your honor, I would just love to sit here and listen to everyone talk about how long they’ve been in town, whether or not they’ve got a spouse or significant other, what they do for work, what their family does for work, what they studied and/or are studying in college, what they like to do in their free time, and what they think about the big wide wonderful world of police brutality!
Then, while you, the attorneys, the defendant, the police officer, and the court jester are all trotted off in recess playing poker to see who’s gonna get the biggest slice of all that cash and personal property that was seized illegally at the expense of innocent people who will now most likely have no choice but to either commit suicide or commit to a life of crime just to recover from your illegal seizure…
I’m gonna make my move!!
Hey, it’s Brianna, right? Hi. I’m the madman living inside @brandt’s mind. Nice to meet you, and welcome to town! I spent a lot of time in the Midwest too when I was a kid. The winters here are longer, but I’d say they’re easier to handle, because you get a lot more sunny days, and there are just a lot more things to do around here. I do a lot of hiking and running and snowshoeing, so let me know if you’re ever looking for a partner. I’m at the coffee shop pretty much every morning; it’s the only coffee shop in town, can’t miss it! No, I haven’t read Sartre before, but I’ll check him out the next time I’m—
Wait.
Wait what the fuck.
What the fuck was I saying?
I don’t know what the fuck I was saying, but what the fuck I was wanting to be saying was,
Hey, I think you’re fucking hot!
And I’m on the market!
And the clowns are all in recess for at least the next 10 minutes or so!
And there’s a unisex restroom conveniently available right around the corner!
So let’s go make a fuckin’ BABY!
pocketsend:11@brandt, play around with the token of fun - POCKET!
Successful Send of 11
Sending Account: pode
Receiving Account: brandt
New sending account balance: 259135
New receiving account balance: 30
Fee: 1
Steem trxid: ff6f1ebbff98f3947be7f492f285780d547d2d74
Someone sent you some POCKET tokens. POCKET is an experimental sub-token system which operates on the Steem blockchain. It's like having a custom token without SMT. You can also send some to someone else by just commenting on a post with the following command:
pocketsend:number_of_token@recipient_name,memofor example to send 10 tokens to @pocketjs, make a comment starting with:pocketsend:10@pocketjs,This is a giftI am running Pocket-JS confirmer code.
Dunk you in blood and call you a madman indeed! Seems to work with the chicks though :OD
The madman inside my mind is a madman. I blame him for the fact that I'm going to die alone.
But you won't be alone! You will have a madman in your mind!!
Of course! How could I have so quickly forgotten about the madman inside my mind! He will always be there for me.
Touching you... Inside...
Touched in the head! It's almost as good as having Jesus inside my heart!
Haha, how dare she be that side of the bridge. Jeez. Then again rather that side than your side and pissed off as hell with gasoline spilling everywhere with every furious hand gesture just before she lights a smoke and poof no brianna or brandt. !tip 1
It was so inconsiderate of her. But yes, fortunately we are both still alive! And thanks for the tip!
🎁 Hi @brandt! You have received 1.0 STEEM tip from @penderis!
Check out @penderis blog here and follow if you like the content :)
Sending tips with @tipU - how to guide.