Cthulhu Mansion (1990) Review + Film
Rating: 2/5
AKA: The ChanDude Abides
Watch Here: https://www.bitchute.com/video/mQ5yGsKRyszp/
“Shh, Miss Piggy, I give the orders around here.”
These tools picked the wrong cosmic horror enthusiast to fuck with.
A desperate decision during a haunted house drug deal, puts Hawk and his crew on the run from ol’ Johnny Law.
During their escape they capture Chandu a magician, and his family; forcing Chandu to take them back to his place while they recuperate and hideout until the heat dies down, ya dig?
Chandu has dabbled into some nutty shit, and is barely keeping the evil he summoned, locked down within his homestead.
No one is likeable here, not even Hawk. I thought at least he would be Hawk the Slayer tier when it comes to drug dealing criminals, but he’s just a bitch.
“Hawk, we gotta get out of here man!”
Really dig the mansion, despite the fact this shit was filmed with a half-powered flashlight (probably just the copy I found) you get to appreciate how cool it looks.
The begining of this movie is pretty legit, off the rails cool. We get an awesome levitating burning body sequence, that just helps set the mood right from the get go.
Additionally, we see some real brilliance with the make up on a few of the characters. Outside of that you just can’t wait till all these fucks die off and get to the end of the film.
I mean if this was my posse, I would be 3 Stooging the fuck out of them constantly with slaps, hammers, eye pokes etc. You really gotta beat some sense into these idiots.
If you haven’t guessed by now, this is some Lovecraft knock off shit.
I can say that regardless of how poorly this utilizes the name Cthulhu, it feels more like a real Lovecraftian horror experience than half the shit that has Lovecraft’s name slapped across it.
Which really is done to attract the full on pleb, pseudo intellectual crowd of this generation. (Full on Spergs)
Everybody jacks off on the Lovecraft name these days, hell I guess for the last half century.
We’ve gotten very few good interpretations of his works during this time.
No one understands what cosmic horror even means from stories he was crafting…love crafting if you will.
It’s basically confronting shit you have nearly no hope of defeating and slowly being killed or going crazy. Even if you survive you are forever scarred by the experience.
Recently we reviewed another Lovecraft Esque film "Forever Evil" That is how you do it fam.
I love Nic Cage and I knew his Color out of Space movie was going to be a comedy of sorts, but it did try to hit the criteria above, even if they just put it on screen without much substance behind it.
Anyway, enough about old HP, you’re here for Cthulhu Mansion.
In short it could be summed up about a mans obsession leading to his destruction, and the fallout that results from that.
In this regard it’s a well told story. As a horror movie, you better get you and your squad lit or you’re gonna be asking “when is this shit over?”
“Can’t Blame Me Plebs”
Final Word –
MRHELLBOX – Because I am stupid as fuck, I quite enjoyed watching this one. What it lacks in decent villains, and some monster FX (not the make up but you’ll see what I mean) it’s got a pretty good overarching plot about Chandu and his fall. – 3/5
DRUNKEN MASTER – WTF 3/5? You goof, this was horrible. Every time someone would say Hawk, I would hope this would turn in to a sequel to Hawk the Slayer. Especially after the beginning when Hawk ices that drug dealer in the haunted house. Literally the coolest part of this shit. Fuck this I’m going to watch the real Hawk movie now bitch. – 1/5
The Real Hawk
Prince Pectorals – Every “Man” in this film is somewhat of a sissy baby boy. Even the Hawkster. Ah fuck it man…this started out so cool what the fuck happened – 1/5
