In memory of my Dad

Today would have been my dad's birthday. He passed away from leukemia after a 2 year long battle in 1994.

He has been on my mind alot lately. I would have to consider him one of my greatest teachers.

I would like to share a little bit of my story about my dad. Hope you read on, grab a tea :)

I remember him telling me that he wanted to join the military, but the Canadians wouldn't accept him because he spent a couple nights in the drunk tank. So he enlisted state side. He was afraid that if he didn't he wouldn't be able to straighten himself out. So.. he joined the US Air Force.

The air force welcomed him with open arms, as they were ramping up the Vietnam War. It forever changed him, and his family life.

My father had one sister and 5 brothers.

I remember coming home one day, and my dad was home. Which was very odd. He was always very punctual. Military had set that in stone for him, I think. He sat us down, and for the first time ever, I saw my dad openly, uncontrollably weep, as he told us his sister had died in a tragic car accident. It still brings tears to my eyes, on how much he loved her. I will never forget that day.
In the photos you can see how close they were.

We moved around alot, my younger sister was born in California, I was born in England. We lived all across the United States. We were known as "military Brats", living on military bases. California really stands out for me. I remember making friends there and taking our new pet turantulas for wagon rides around the complexes. Of course, until my mom found out! I also came to discover that black widow spiders were not allowed either. ;)

I remember eating really cool food, finding out 20 years later, they were army rations. I can still hear my dad's laughter when I finally figured it out.

During those times, we didn't see much of my dad, and when he did come home he was exhausted and slept for days. Literally. I remember once he came home with malaria. My mom was a nurse, and even she was worried.
I honestly don't know how my mom made it through for so long. He was changing, more angry, more abusive. And NEVER EVER sneak up on him. EVER. And never touch him to wake him up.

When my dad received his honorable discharge we settled back to his hometown in Ontario. Yes, he made it out of that war "ALIVE", unlike many of his friends. (Although agent orange exposure causes leukemia as well as other dis-ease) The stories he told me before he died, were surreal. Evil. When his body was weak, his mind was not in control, he relived so many of these instances/memories, and became violent. They were going to kick him out of the hospital, unless someone would come sit with him 24 hours a day. I am still so grateful to the Vietnam Veterans Association who came and volunteered. They knew what he was reliving, and could diffuse the situations and all the grenades he was throwing. There are no other words for what this now fragile man had seen. He was a photographer, and his job was to photograph proof of mass graves, and other atrocities of war. He was in places that the USA said they weren't. He was even missing in action. PoW.

So many things caught up with my dad. I truly don't even know how he survived most of it. But he did. And he was loved by many people.
War changed him, his past caught up with him, and our family deteriorated. My family was ripped apart, and I didn't see my dad for many years for many reasons. He didn't even know I had my second child.

One day, out of the blue, my uncle showed up to my door. We sat, and he explained that my father was in the hospital, dying, with 2 weeks to live. I Remember being so angry, that I told my uncle, to wish him well. I wanted nothing to do with him. All the emotions flooded to the surface. EVERYTHING came back with a vengeance. The roller coaster of my past, my childhood, the pain, the anger, the little girl that was crushed. I blamed him for all of it. As horrible as it sounds, I even felt it was karmic. His just rewards.

My uncle called me about a week later. Told me that he was slipping away. My uncle truly hoped that I would go see him. Even just to get closure. I was still so angry. My best friend offered to take me to the hospital, if I wanted to go. And we went.

I hadn't seen my dad in years, and when i walked in, I saw a frail, bald man. Barely able to speak. But his smile, was from the bottom of his heart. It broke me in half. From that moment on, I got to truly know my dad.

So much healing took place. It gave him a reason to hold on. He did for 2 more years. It was a rough journey, but so grateful to be a part of it. I stepped up to take care of him, help him to get all his affairs in order. Healing for both of us.

So many things were talked about, and at one point I asked him if he was sorry because he was dying? Or was he truly asking forgiveness.
His answer.. as he looked straight into my eyes and heart.. "I deserve to die like this for all the pain and suffering I caused, to everyone"
With my heart aching, and teary eyes, my reply, " No one deserves to die suffering like this"
Period.

I am grateful for 2 years of time to talk, to love him, to heal, to forgive. For my children to know him. To be there when he passed peacefully in his home, as he wished. And at 27 years old I said good bye.

Things I have learned from my dad.
(Just a few of many)

1. Own your shit. No matter how nasty, hard, angry you are. Blame no one. Don't wait until you're dying, to deal with your shit.

2. Forgiveness. Of self and others.

3. Don't trust the government. Ever. The things I know now, from first hand source, they are not for our highest and best good.

4. Laughter, it can save your life. Or at least prolong it a couple of years.

5. Believe in yourself, because there are people out there in line waiting to prove you wrong.

6. Love.

7. When life knocks you down, rest, and get back up.

Thank you for listening.
Xoxo