WHO I AM TODAY

Hello everyone, I trust we are all having an amazing day today. Alhamdulillah I am doing good as well. I welcome you all to my blog. Today is a special day and I have a little post to share with you all about who I was and who I wish to become. I hope you enjoy reading through.

_{Picture from a phone's camera}

When I was younger, I thought that my actions reflected who I was. I expressed myself without hesitation. But eventually that changed. While my head was always full of colorful thoughts and ideas, they faded every time I opened my mouth.

Every time I stood in front of a crowd and tried to speak, my palms would sweat and legs would start shaking and I wouldn't be able to stream my thoughts together. I had no idea why and couldn't understand what was happening to me. My ideas remained visible only to me while becoming more invisible to the people around me.

Knowing my weakness for public speaking, I was too shy to believe I was good at public speaking and could fit into a club that requires presentations. That's why I chose to be the person behind the scenes. I enjoyed writing scripts for my high school classmates.

I also expressed my feelings on papers as it was much easier to communicate my thoughts by holding up a pen than to put it into concrete words. People around me have described me as "the quiet girl who's good at writing …”. Sometimes I want to scream, "You're wrong! I am more than that. I know who I am."

Anytime we had a debate and I watch my classmates express them selves on public make me proud of the groundwork we had put in, but I couldn't shake a deep sense of loss and dissatisfaction. For the first time, I began to imagine the person on the stage to be none other than myself, the real me. I wanted to be seen for how I really felt. From that moment I understood that I wanted to do better, I knew I had to change something.

I then registered for a debate competition for my School which we all know debate is all about public speaking. With a mixed feeling of confidence and nervousness, I clicked the confirm button and vowed to do my best to complete this daunting task.

Shortly after class began, regrets started to set in me. Watching my classmates speaking fluently and with no accent, I had to force myself to speak louder and better. I imagined myself being in front of everyone as a stuttering, incoherent mess.

Why did my confidence evaporate once I had the opportunity to show everyone who I am ? me? I remember pacing back and forth in the lane outside the school building before class, practicing the same five minute speech over and over, wishing the ground would swallow me.

But I gave my speech and it went well. By forcing myself to do this, I reminded myself that it was possible to feel calm in front of an audience. I make many mistakes. I still had a Northern accent when I spoke. My gestures may not have been natural enough. But it was good. Later I realized what I was really afraid of. I was afraid of not being the person I always thought I was.

And in truth there was this great performer hidden inside of me. It's just me. I'm a shy person, but it doesn't always have to be that way. Maybe one day with hard work and dedication I will be a very good public communicator and not until I stopped being the girl behind the shadows, I would have never know for sure. Now I'm ready to find out not who I am today, but who I could become tomorrow.

Thank you all for your time and for visiting my blog. Stay safe.