The worst movies ever, eh? Well this one is not straight forward in the slightest. I’ve actually started writing this, still unaware of the three movies that I will pick. I’m kind of hoping that I will get inspired as I delve into the topic. So let's talk!

I’m no spring chicken. I’ve been about a bit and watched a few movies in my time and plenty have annoyed or aggravated me and plenty have felt like a waste of my time. One of my movie habits is that I have to keep watching a movie until the end, even if it’s atrocious. Man, at times that has been really painful. Of late, I have managed to kick that habit, especially these days with so many options at your fingertips where you can dump one movie and start another instantly.

Watching a movie and being annoyed is such a ridiculous situation. Counterproductive if you like. After all, this is about being entertained, right? It’s not a chore. Plot holes are one thing! I have enough suspended disbelief to get over the odd plot hole but when glaring gaps in the story arise that are just plain swept under the carpet, that really gets my goat! Characters that just decide to do or be something completely different in the second half of the film. Making decisions that don’t make any sense to the character or any base in reality. Rushing character development, because the masses need the plot to move fast, to the point of thinking ‘oh, so you want me to connect and feel for this person for a reason that you are not even explaining to me, ok!’ Shocking! Cheap horror, usually involving good looking twenty somethings, is one of my biggest hates. I like the horror genre the least. That's not to say I don’t like any horror movies. The Exorcist is a brilliantly put together movie and is still the benchmark for storytelling, character building, suspense and how to end a story.

These are a lot of the types of movies that really turn me off. Some just plain bad, through to the agenda driven tripe that is churned out regularly these days. But there is a winner when It comes to upsetting me though and that is ‘disappointment’. If I have expectations and high hopes for a movie and for less than a damn good reason it lets me down, game over! There is nothing worse than being a fan of a movie or buying in to a concept only to be let down by agenda, ridiculous creative license or just plain cinematic suicide!

Here are some alternates. They all have reasons and I will try to make them clear.

From Dusk Until Dawn

Worst movie ever, this certainly is not but It is a perfect example of a ‘game of two halves’ to coin a football (soccer @plantstoplanks and @foxyspirit and my other NA buddies ;) ) phrase. The first half of this movie is delicate, dialogue and character driven and suspenseful. Tarantino himself plays a brilliant part that is creepy and unpredictable. Even George Clooney is doing a decent job and hats off to Harvey Keitel and Juliette Lewis too. I honestly remember watching this at the cinema thinking that Tarantino had nailed this and it was going to be up there with one of my all time favourites. Then it all went crash, bang, wallop, sleaze fest and not in a good way. It’s like Quentin lost interest halfway through writing it and went, F*ck it, let's have a mashup! The sophisticated dialogue of the first half gives way to an Arnold Schwarzenegger type diatribe. Action becomes the main focus and so, bang goes my focus. To be truly disappointed by a movie you must have some love for it in the first place. This one fits the bill.

Knock Knock

Oh dear Keanu. I’m a fan, really (Matrix and Point Break) I am, but you get a few mentions in this post and this shitehouse of a movie is the first. Now don’t get me wrong, he’s not the best actor in the world. He’s a little bit ‘Bill and Ted’ in most of his roles but there is something about him that I like. Enter, Knock Knock. I watched this purely because he was in it.

The premise of the movie is that an innocent man, minding his own business in his own home, can be manipulated, infiltrated and corrupted by two hot chicks, without having much of a choice in the matter. There was a good idea in there somewhere but the character swings are huge and the random actions of the antagonists gets exponentially more insane as the movie trundles on with no reality or structure to cling on to. I was praying for it to end. Keanu looked as lost and confused in the movie as his choice to be in this movie in the first place.

Replicas

Keanu’s second catwalk in this line up! Damn this is everything that I described in the first few paragraphs of this blog, plot holes galore, poor acting, dialogue that belongs in The Expendables or The Fast and the Effin Shite, random character choices that have no bearing on a real situation, I could go on. Reeves is actually part of the problem. It needed an actor that has an emotional depth to carry it off. Something that Keanu just hasn’t got, though, even if they did bring in a lead actor with depth I still think it was so incomplete and poorly written that it couldn’t be saved.

I love sci-fi. If horror is my nemesis then sci-fi is my hero. So I’m sitting there, watching this movie thinking, ‘it’s Keanu, it’s sci-fi and the concept is cool, I should be loving this not begging for armageddon. This could have been the next Matrix, maybe should have been. Instead, I want to bury it so far down in my psyche that it would be possible to excrete it as waste.

So there is a little taste of what not to do when you are trying to impress me in a movie. Don’t F*ck up sci-fi, build characters, don’t let characters go random just for the bigger and more shocking impact, don’t go all action, keep plot holes to a minimum, if you have an agenda take it to Cannes Film Festival as an arty flick and don’t try to hide it in a mainstream movie and brainwash everyone, and finally, in the immortal words of Kirk Lazarus, don’t go full retard!

Choice number 1

The book of Shadows: Blair Witch Project 2

This putrid pile of cat poop got my attention because of the first movie. The first movie entitled The Blair Witch Project (1999) is such a far removal from the second version that it is an absolute disgrace that they were allowed to call it the same name. The 1999 movie split opinion. Some people hated it. It may even show up in the top 3 contest this month. For me it was original, sophisticated, well acted and terrifying. In fact, I am on IMDB right now just reading the synopsis and I am getting the same shivers down my spine that I had when I went to the cinema and watched it originally.

Let’s set the scene. There were rumours about the story being real before the release of the movie. They created a website that was set up like an investigative journalist’s account of the timeline, the evidence and documentation figuring out what happened to the three film students involved. Me, Jayne and my best friend were buzzing before we even sat down in the auditorium, half thinking it was real footage. The movie itself is first person, camcorder footage from the three students looking to find evidence of The Blair Witch myth. They hike into the Black Hills Forest and video document everything that they do.

The students chirpy banter and all round camaraderie is cool and the descent into bickering and agitation when things start happening to them, is even cooler. The thing that split the audience is that the visuals are limited. You have to view through the camcorder for god’s sake! That was the point. I also think that along with the scenario of being out in the woods alone at night, the limited vision is part of the brilliance of the movie. Put it this way, I used to go camping but age, the need for comfort and The Blair Witch Project, all put an end to all that.

So imagine my disappointment when I sat down to watch the next installment only to find that the name had been hijacked and that it was your basic visual jumpfest with crap dialogue and appalling acting. I’m sure they made a little money out of the name at my and others expense. Congrats you tossers! That is all the air time I’m going to give it.

Choice Number 2

The Last Frickin Jedi

Lol. If you don’t like Star Wars you might want to skip this next rant!

I don’t say hate a lot. It’s over used and for the most part inappropriate for the context but I hate Rian Johnson! He has smuggly taken the piss and rubbed our faces in this cesspool of a movie. So imagine my shock and horror when I walked out of the cinema after Knives Out, absolutely loving it, thinking it was brilliantly made and well directed, only to see Johnson’s name flashing red at me like a cartoon nose that has just been punched. Ok, so I have broken my own rule, I don’t hate Rian Johnson. In fact, he is clearly good at making movies. Just stay the F*** away from Star Wars!

Where do I begin? Really bad storyline. Ok, ok, Star Wars isn't known for it’s massively sophisticated story but still, this is garbage. Next up? Multiple empty female lead roles. Forcibly inserting females into main roles with no backstory, no depth, no real purpose and an antagonistic attitude towards men! You already had an awesome female lead in General Leia but you eff’ed that up too. Enter Mary Poppins! See @theunderbaker’s post here

Luke has become a bitter, cowardly, resentful and disrespectful old man. His ‘throwing over his shoulder of the lightsaber’ act was a massive middle finger to the older fan base and the memories of the past. It was so out of character and unnecessary. Just when you could have been emotionally involved with the movie it slapped you around the face and reminded you that Star Wars was ‘moving on’!

Poe Damaron has become a naughty boy. This is the hero of the first movie mind you! He gets several dressing downs from various female characters for being a typical male! Headstrong, immature, impetuous, impulsive and a little gung ho. Whilst the female characters are thoughtful, considerate, smart, tactful and ‘the glue that holds everything together’. Life isn’t black or white! Good versus evil. It is always a grey area. Anyone at any time could be the leader, the strong one, the weak one in need of advice. That’s the reality! Just write good characters with depth regardless of gender. So Kathleen Kennedy, shove your ‘Force is Female’ agenda up your ass!

Other things of distasteful note. The overly graphic milking of the humanoid creature with four breasts. I mean…….What? If it had to be done it could have been done with a bit of subtlety but no! Let’s get a little sexual awkwardness in there as well. Family movie? Horrible scene.

Star Wars has always had fun inserted. But it’s usually scene driven, moment appropriate and very harmless. One of the opening scenes is a ‘let’s bring this up to modern pop culture’ phone sketch. Poe rings General Hux. GENERAL Hux! Another male character that has basically had his pants ripped off and is being spanked in front of everyone by Johnson, Kennedy and the Disney storytelling team of cronies. Hux accepts the call and Poe proceeds to take the piss, pretending to not be able to hear him etc etc. Hux turns into a little frustrated boy who throws the rattle out of the pram. Horrible.

JJ Abrahms has rectified the situation slightly but the memory of the milking et al will live on forever.

This could go on and on and before I turn you off, If I haven’t already, I’ll move on to my final choice.

Choice Number 3

Matrix Revolutions and Reloaded

I’m cheating because it’s two movies but it may as well be one. One……...big……...pile……….of………….dung. Matrix, arguably my favourite movie ever!! Groundbreaking, innovative, inciteful, thought provoking, subtle and a splattering of cleverly made action inserted throughout. The Bullet Time idea was brilliant. Brilliant female lead in Trinity (SW’s, that’s how you do a proper female lead you F£$% A^&&* B%^^&&).
The whole concept of the Matrix has so much depth. The metaphors and phrases born out of the film are amazing and still apply to modern life, in fact even more so as time moves on. Red Pill/Blue Pill, ignorance is bliss, plugged in and more. If you haven’t seen the movie then I will spoil no more. Watch it with an open mind, take in the bigger picture and enjoy. For me it was mind blowing. Well done the Wachowski brothers.

Well done to a point! Unfortunately, that point stops at the Matrix like my cat running into and bouncing off the glass door! The Wachowski brothers; or do I say sisters now, I’m not actually sure?, had a decision to make. Do we expand the intricate, sophisticated and mind blowing side of the Matrix or do we go for bums on seats, mind numbing action and make loads of money. Sadly, they opted for the cash and produced two movies that should have been entitled, Matrix 2: Life in the Fast Lane and Matrix 3 and the Hot Tub Time Machine. Random and pointless.

I almost want to support the machines. The people of Zion; who by the way are the last humans alive that we are supposed to have a natural affinity with, are assholes! Partying, superficial, pop culture obsessed, whiny assholes. I guess the Wachowski Sisters wanted to show us Zion’s real side. I think they just showed us how they want their life. I have a copy of a fan made fusion of the second and third movies called Matrix De-Zionised. This removes all traces of Zion from the movie and is just a place spoken about. This remake moves at a better pace, is less nauseating and just makes more sense. It’s still not brilliant because even dedicated fans can’t polish a turd!(lol, sorry).

There are so many issues to list, so let’s start with one of my favourite female characters of all time, Trinity. In the original she is smart, sexy without exaggeration or blatant exposure, assertive, she has a back story and a solid reason to be there. She is an interesting character that belongs with the elite. Hell, she’s better at it than most of them and it’s totally believable. So do they develop this great character further in the next movies, do they heck! (trying to swear less ;) ) She turns into Neo’s little sidekick, pawing at him for a bit of attention.

Some other quick fire things. Morpheus turns into the leader of the superficial assholes. I totally lost respect for his character and his plight. Most of movie 2 was a repeating scene of some military guy firing a gun into a hole in the roof and yelling. The Architect idea was supposed to be the sophistication but all they did was bundle it up at the end of the movie and then bludgeon everyone to death with a big complicated scene.

Another of my pet hates is the unreal transference of a skill set. Let me give you an example. A computer genius could write some code making a game about skateboarding that doesn’t mean that he is instantly going to be able to do it in real life (assuming he’s not already a skateboarder). Just as much as Tony Hawk will not be able to suddenly learn how to code a skateboarding game. So Neo, in the first movie, learns that he is able to manipulate the matrix. He has skills beyond the average and can change the code. This is part of the brilliant concept and all good so far. Where they typically let themselves down in their storytelling was that Neo starts to manipulate real life too. There is a scene where they back Neo and some of the others into a corner; after explaining to us in a number of scenes how deadly the Sentinels are, and Neo just drops them like they were bugs. Whatever!

I’m fast approaching 3000 words so I think I had better stop there. This post has been written slightly tongue in cheek, but not totally. I wanted to make it funny but in some spots I come over as a raving loony! Haha. Maybe that’s funny anyway. If you have any opinions on what I have written I would love to hear from you.

If you want to enter, click on this link to the main contest post, here: https://steemit.com/hive-186561/@yourtop3/your-top-3-monthly-contest-march-2020-what-are-your-least-favorite-movies

I hope you enjoyed it and that it makes you want to enter.

See you next time.

Gaz