Mental Health: Are You Caught Up in a Loop of Worrying Whether You're Likeable Enough?

How much effort do we put into the process of making ourselves ”likeable?”

For a lot of people, this may not be something we do consciously, but at the same time it seems like most people put at least some attention towards trying to not be complete buttmuffins!

For some, however, quest to cultivate likeability can go a bit overboard and when that happens it can actually become a trap that keeps us from being our authentic selves.

What do I mean by that?

Well, if you put more effort into trying to be what you think other people will like instead of simply being yourself, you ultimately end up being little more than a ”caricature” of yourself.

Is that a bad thing? Shouldn't we try to be "nice" and to "get along?" Isn't that what our parents taught us?

In short: YES. The problem is that after a while we enter a state of almost permanent ”self-forgetting” in which most of the genuine parts of our personality are pushed so far into the background they might as well not exist.

This kind of obsession with being likable tends to walk hand in hand with what I think of as the ”disease to please” which typically arises as a result of poor self esteem. It is a particular kind of poor self-esteem in which a person doesn't believe that their true self is something anybody else could be interested in, so instead of simply being themselves they try to eternally second guess what whomever they're talking to in that moment might prefer to see and hear.

Typically, these are patterns we learned in childhood well perhaps they did constitute a viable survival technique at some point. However, we can end up getting stuck in a pattern that is neither needed nor appropriate once we enter adulthood.

However, people often live as captives of the ”likeability trap” for a significant part of their adult lives, especially if it is not pointed out to them, either by a loving and supportive friend, or by a trusted mental health professional.

Of course I'm not suggesting that we suddenly start becoming rude, crude and socially unacceptable! That's not the point here! The point is that "too much of a good thing" is not really a good thing.

What I typically advise clients to do, is to consider what they would choose to do — or not do — if they didn't feel beholden or accountable to other people in any given moment. If there is a significant difference between what you would usually like to do and what you choose to do — perhaps out of fear of disappointing or letting somebody down — then you may have an issue worth looking at.

Also, it's worth considering your own personal scale of what you think makes a person ”likable” versus ”not likable.” Many people consider simple things like turning down invitations to events you don't really want to participate in as being ”unlikable,” where in fact they merely represent having good personal boundaries.

Where is the above may only apply to a limited number of people, it is surprising how often we all show at least ”elements” worrying too much about whether or not we're likable!

Thanks for reading, and Bright Blessings to all!

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