Yesterday was my first day back at work after being in South Africa for three months. I was looking forward to seeing everyone again (well, mostly everyone lol). For some reason, I seem to get this wave of anxiety a couple of days before I return to work. I've been working in the nursing home 10 years this month which seems absolutely crazy! Where does time go?! I value my job for many reasons, it has taught me compassion, patience, gratitude, the importance of time and those we love, and so much more. I was 18 when I started approaching 19, I was young and inexperienced in care work. I had helped look after my mum when she had breast cancer a few years prior and would help with the dressing and cleaning of wounds etc but that was the extent of it.

I remember my first day like it was yesterday, I was so nervous on the inside but I put on a brave face and went through with it. I would always second guess myself with everything that I did, not wanting to make a mistake. I was quite shy and at times I did get taken advantage of in terms of hours worked because I couldn't say no. Everyone would say to me that I need to find my voice and that it comes with time and age. Fast forward to now and I do feel that my confidence has grown a lot, I no longer second guess myself like I used to, and, well, I think I have improved on finding my voice, though I know improvement is still needed on that lol!

Within the last couple of years, instead of just doing care work, we have now taken on different roles for different jobs, mainly due to lack of staff and so it's all hands on deck. Yesterday was my first day back and I had a domestic shift so I choose a floor to work on and I cleaned. I have done this before and I do enjoy it as I can just work completely on my own, haha!

Anyway... Even though I knew I would be working this shift I was still overwhelmed with anxiety. I know it was just because I'd been away for a little while and the thought of being around so many people was a lot. I've never really taken the time to sit and talk with myself about that before. Perhaps it has to do with getting older (I know I'm still young) but even so, I think since "growing up" I definitely appreciate peace and alone time, and time spent with the few people whose company I enjoy, without that sounding snobbish lol. I'm already at the stage where I'm just over everyone's s#!t :)

Once I got to work I felt better, the anxious feeling was slowly passing and every so often people would come and have a little chat with me which was nice. "Passing pleasantries" were made to those that I know don't really have much time for me, we can't be everyone's cup of tea - that I know all too well, and I'm actually glad about it. I am me.

So, I guess I just started having verbal diarrhoea about this as a way of cleansing my mind. I don't even know if this makes much sense but it feels good to write anyhow. I have so much work coming up and I hope my feet can carry me through lol, they have done the last 10 years so I'm sure it'll be just fine, nothing an inner conversation with oneself can't sort out! That, and the thought of beautiful South Africa again in October to be with my partner! I obviously value my time spent here in England with some of my family, though I do wish sometimes that could look a little differently to what it does now, like being in my own space completely, one day I'm sure, else I'll go mad! Which reminds me...

And a land of wonder it is too! ;)

For now, I just need to remind myself not to get caught up in my own head (a lifetime project I think!) breathe, and be in the moment.