Nature versus Nurture
On Tuesday night, we ended up watching a documentary called “Identical Strangers”. It was one of those things we kinda just clicked on to see the preview for, and then ended up watching the entire thing, lol
I am not sure if any of you have seen this film - it is a simultaneously happy and equally disturbing story. No, this is not a review, lol - but a little context is required if anything I write is going to make sense.
In short, it is a horrid story about how some adoption agency separated several twins and triplets at birth for the sake of experimentation. The kids as well as the parents were documented in their own homes for years on end but apparently the study results were never published - in fact the files were placed under lock and key until 2066 or something like that.
So according to some of the people involved in the studies - it was all about observing the difference between “nature” VS “nurture”. Apparently, what they wanted to see results for was whether we, as humans are more influenced by DNA or by how we are raised - hence the twins and triplets. Pretty messed up!! But hey… what can I say about that… except - “humans”.
Moving away from the actual focus of the movie… watching all of this and what so many of the people involved had to say got me thinking about how I feel about that subject in general. It is a topic which holds a relatively regular presence in my life actually, being a mom.
To afford a little perspective - I am 44 this year, so I grew up with parents who were pretty “old school” in their approach to parenting and life in general. We were four kids and whilst we were provided with more than the basic necessities as kids, and I know that both of my parents sacrificed a lot to give us what they did materialistically - but from an emotional front it was a very different story.
I suppose back then I did not think anything of it - I mean I had no basis for comparison anyway… but as I got older, I definitely started to become aware of “problems” arising from the lack of emotional availability and support given and then as I began to enter adulthood my eyes really began to open.
Having access to social media over the years and seeing how so many people from my generation (Gen X) share things which I connect with so very deeply that they hurt in a way that I struggle to find the words for. Yes, we were a generation which pretty much raised ourselves and emotional displays of any kind were pretty much considered weakness, as ridiculous as this may sound to those who are beginning their adult lives in today's world.
The reality of this void and the magnitude of its impact only truly began re-entering my world when I became a mother myself. The need to protect my son from what I lacked emotionally and “my life experience” as a child, is a castle gate I guard with enormous ferocity - and will forever.
I have personally experienced and been witness to how the “lack of nurture” impacts a person's life - I suppose it is for that reason that I feel so strongly that showing another person love and support on a consistent basis is definitely going to yield better results short term and long term than taking the hard line approach.
I am not saying that the “tough love” approach does not have certain positives, but I think the negatives definitely outweigh them and it is definitely not the manner of approach I have chosen for my son.
❤❤❤
Until next time...
Much Love from Country Bumpkinland, South Africa xxx
Jaynielea
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Extremes at either ends always bring out more negatives than positives. I don't support only 'tough love' approach but I also don't like the way most of us are raising kids nowadays. Letting them 'voice their opinions' is good but I think we are losing them to impatience and intolerance. I might be wrong but that's my general observation (from where I live).
As for my parenting approach, I'm not a perfect mom but I try to choose the middle ground - nurturing with love and being rigid (when needed). Afterall, it's us who need to teach them how to survive this world.
The "lack of nurture" is a truly devastating thing that often leave us eternally "looking" for something that was missing...
I live at the other extreme end of Gen X from you; never identified with Boomer values... grew up in the shadow of the eternal realization that we were doomed to become the first generation to not be as prosperous as our parents. In time, I learned not to care.
A lot of self-work and counseling landed me the with concept "benign neglect" (or benign abuse) as the description for that lack of nurture. It's a thing. And so we were not only left to raise ourselves, but to figure out who were, as human beings. And how to reinvent ourselves. And how to authentically love... ourselves, and others.
Hugging you, from afar...
xo
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