I Do Not Feel Enough To Eat This Evening But I Had Taken Some Gabapentin

My joints hurt today, my back hurts especially when I move around. I managed to use the toilet and bathroom which I am thanking God for because at least I am able to move around still and do my business.

Actually I feel depressed simply because my body hurts and the improvement is still uncertain. I just do not want to get worse, I do not want to get paralyzed, I do not want my mother to take care of me with all these health issues that I am facing.

I really felt guilty that I am dragging other people, the people that I loved about my life's troubles. If only I can just end it all but I can't because it is a sin to take one's own life.

But I am really dead, it is just dialysis is keeping me alive so I am asking why I cannot just expedite the process and overdose in some drug or something because I can just stop going for my dialysis and die a lingering death.

It is the fear of a lingering death that I am afraid which is why I kept on going and going and dodging the death bullet for about 18 years now.

My mother is also complaining about her body's aches and pains. The problem is that I also can feel her pains now that I am in pain myself.

It is just frustrating and it is just so hard to continue with my life, my parents are already aging and time is running-out fast. None of my plans really had gone into reality because now they are part of my frustrations in life.

It is equally painful to see what my future is in the coming years. All I want is either to get triumphant or burn-out faster than a bullet.

Its frustrating if things doesn't go as you want them to be, to happen and that is just what is happening in my ill-fated life. Right now I am still hopeful with my life because crazy things can happen, God can grant me one more miracle or an event that will change my life and the lives of people around me.

I am just planning now but also of course trying hard to make it happen. I just cannot get idle and things get served in front of me. But there are so many barriers, hurdles, and checkpoints that I wonder if I can ever break through.

The order of the day for me is to continue of what I can do and make a difference. I am still blessed that I have many friends worldwide that I can say truly cares for me and my welfare. I could not let you all down because you are always at my backing and I am sincerely thanking you all because of that. You are all the grace of God for my life.

I know that I do not have much friends "offline" because of my condition. Of course friends are like delicate and gentle beings that also must be taken cared of otherwise they will all shy away from you.

Since I have not much to offer to my former friends and because we do not have the same feathers I was just set aside. It is painful to know as well that I am not fitting to most people's standards as I feel that they do not want any business or connection unto me.

So would you like to befriend a sick cat or dog? No you will just walk on by and meet other people. That is what I believe had happened and is happening to my life. So I am cherishing every moment and every hour that my parents are still with me because no one in the world can equal what they are doing for me selflessly and even their mere existence now comforts me. Please pray for my parents and may God's face shine upon you always.