Steemit Philippines Photography Contest Week #4 - Black and White Photography : "One Step At A Time" | 10% rewards to @steemitphcurator

Today, September the 15th, I will be sharing with you one of the hardest thing for me to speak of since even before the pandemic start I was suffering from a mental health breakdown or we can just say in one word, Depression.

This is my story...

My family did not know or have any idea about what has been happening to my life not after this moment of Lockdown. Even since that day, spending my days with my family and pretending to be okay was not that hard for me since I am always hiding what I am feeling. I always hide everything with a smile and this pandemic got me even more depressed.

During the lockdown, I thought what's been stressing me more is going to fade but I was wrong. It got me even more stressed and depressed with all the pressure has been going on. In study, I've been in college for almost 10 years and it got me even more pressure and felt useless and a disappointment. It hurts to see and know how your parents look you in the eye with disappointment and useless. I only wanted to make them proud, but in every success I felt, seems like nothing to others. I know I did my best to finish all the things I needed, but still it wasn't enough. I am always being compared too, even the professor whom I thought would help me, left me hanging even though they knew of my situation. Teachers should be the one helping and teaching their students, not making them feel stupid and pulling them down.

More and more, I started hating school, everything and even myself.

What more is the one I thought will be there for me gives me more stressed and doesn't give me the strength or the comfort I need even though I tell him things I've been suffering. I ended things between me and the guy who doesn't give a damn about me. After ending things with him, I feel like a big torn got off my chest. Even my friends and family doesn't like him. He wasn't proud or even let others know about us. I am like an invisible person to his family. I broke up with him not shedding a tiny tears.

I was glad and happy. I know he doesn't deserve me, my love and my time. That days makes me want to take care more of myself. I opened up to one of my friend who is in a province since the pandemic, she told me her problems and all. I realized she only talks to me whenever she got problems and when I told her things she needed to hear over and over again, then she'll be gone again. I haven't spoken to her since and also realized that she's one of the main reason I felt depressed. Of the things we've been together with the people she took me with and the time she stole from me.

This pandemic has been the hardest of the past 4 years of being depressed. I experienced all the 10 symptoms of depression. I thought of ending my life a lot of times now. It wasn't that simple. I spoken to my best friend from Manila who is also my classmate about it but most of the time I didn't feel like speaking to everyone. All my interest are fading away.

Followed by the death my our beloved grandfather, who has been living with us for so long since we were a kid. He died in the province in Dumaguete months after he was confined due to pneumonia. It was morning or March 3, 2021 and I just woke up our internet was crashing and I got down thought maybe to call and talk to my grandfather. I told my brother to restart the internet and then my brother told me "Wala na si lolo." I went to wash my face as I usually do before eating. But there, I started crying. Hard and loud. I didn't eat and went back to bed, crying.

It was a hell of a pandemic, everything adds up..My love for arts, music, movies, anime, food and love are gone. I don't feel like doing anything anymore. So I thought, there is nothing for me. My existence doesn't matter anyway. There was a week were I was left in the house with three of our pets. I tried entertaining myself but nothing comes to my interest and I only got bored. I got triggered and thought of lots of things to do. I weeped and felt in deep pain.

It was the month of May when my dad and mom pushing me to enroll and to finish my study, I felt more pressured and triggered again. I felt my body suffocating from stressed and felt weak and all takking about school, every time I felt that way.

I finally got the courage to finally tell my mother about all the things I've been feeling. All the pain, suffering and depression. I weeped and she also did. She listened to be and was even sorry for what they did, for they did not know how I was feeling. I even told her that I wanted to die a lot of times and she was so worried about me. I told her I don't want to study anymore. I let it all out in one blow. I cried and was thankful for my mom for understanding all of it. I had her to tell my dad about it because I know he won't understand because of his stress over work.

After telling all of it to my mom, I felt light and it is like little by little I feel like being fine to better. It was in June that I finally joined #steemit. I was introduced to it last year I think that was in September of 2020 with my Sri Lankan kpop fan friend. My brother pushed me to finally made an account and told me to tell my story here and I did. It was by the end of June that I joined the platform and I felt like little by little it helped me speak day by day of what I do and got me do the things I used to love.

Some of the people her helped and encouraged me to push through my life and never give up. I joined lot of community and tell them my story. A friend of my told me to do what I can and that I don't need to rush things up. It is a Step by Step process. One step at a TIME. By that little by little, my love for passion of arts are coming back to me. I started to draw again.

One of the big thing that helped me is music. I recently became a fan of a Kpop group, MONSTA X, one of a talented underated kpop group in korea. They are so cool and really really talented. I hope more people will care to listen to their music as well. I know people might not understand but we have our own ways ti find happiness and they are one of the people that makes me happy and inspired me.

What's more is the support of my family and real friends. I didn't not stop with my study what is new is that, I transfer to another school with my friends as well. We all know that our previous school already has a toxic environment so we all decided to transfer. If they haven't told me about the transferring of school and if my friend did not encouraged me, I might be not studying anymore. They helped me get back up from my feet.

So I wanted to thank them for all the encouragement, my family and friends. I love you all. I can't say that I am truly fine now but I know that I will be there. Road to getting better, one step at a time.

The photo above, are the things that both helped and used to stressed me out for this past years of pandemic. Forgive me for a gloomy story of my life.

---

🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻

Thank you for this opportunity and I hoped I delivered it in a way that you guys could understand. It was hard but I wanted you to guys know that there are people who loves and care for us. And all of our thought are VALID. So if there are people you are close with and feel comfortable talking to, tell them. Little by little and no pressure. As long as you are ready and prepared to share it. All you're feelings are valid.

🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻

---

Thank you again and I hope you liked my effort of taking this photo. This photo contains all the things that got be busy for the past days, weeks, months and year of being stock in the house. Don't get me wrong, I like being in the house. This are the things I love the most. Passion, my art works, music and all that helped me get through it all. Every progress I get from getting all my hobby back gets me emotionally. I am so thankful to God for that. I really am! Thank you God!!! 😭

---

I am inviting my family @eryll , @mikejosephortega and friend @sxshx to join this awesome contest here in Steemit Philippines 🇵🇭

10% of payout reward will go straight to @steemitphcurator as beneficiary. Good and May this community grow even more. 😊😇

🌺🌺🌺🌺🌺🌺🌺🌺🌺🌺