Unconscious Survival: How to Avoid Social Pitfalls

I recently attended a creative course with other artists. To my surprise, about 90% of the group had ADHD, just like me. It was easy to forget that there were also others who didn’t share our openness and relaxed behavior. I was completely in my happy space. I felt understood and had amazing conversations. Unfortunately, when I get too hyper with others who are similarly wired, the non-ADHD people in the room don’t always enjoy being around us. This is especially true if they’re tired or in a negative headspace. My impulsiveness and tendency to jump between conversation topics can also make things worse.

A Conversation and Its Consequences

As I mentioned, I was in a room full of hyper individuals, chatting, when a non-ADHD person joined the conversation. We were talking about Tinder, wondering if it’s just for hookups or if you can actually make friends or find love there. We laughed, and the non-ADHD person said, “I met some people on Tinder. It wasn’t just about hookups.” I replied, “But did you stay with that person for long?” They said, “No, actually not.” I smiled and said, “You see, that’s what I mean.”

What I didn’t realize, thanks to my Asperger’s, was that the other person looked sad. My smile may have seemed condescending. Maybe they had fallen in love with someone they met online. But my comment and smile might have felt like a jab, as if I was saying, “It was just about sex for them.”

I often forget how others feel, especially in moments like this. All I cared about then was being right and winning the debate.

The conversation continued for a bit, but I noticed that the person who had joined us was now quiet. I made a joke about something in the room, and my mind jumped to a news article I’d read about sexual predators. I started talking about how I condemn those people. I didn’t think about the impact of my words. The online dating topic was already forgotten in my mind. But mentioning that article just added fuel to the fire I had unintentionally lit. A comment was thrown my way: “Stop talking.” The conversation came to a crashing halt.

I saw the sadness in their eyes and wondered, “What happened to them? Why do they look sad?” Even though it might not seem like it, I really do care. I went over and patted them on the shoulder. Immediately, they said, “Don’t touch me!” I quickly pulled my hand back and said, “I’m sorry. Is something wrong?” I was met with an angry, disgusted look and the word, “No!”

The Aftermath

Later, a mutual friend explained the impact of what I had done. Not only had I upset this person, but they felt mocked. On top of that, they felt I had touched them inappropriately. My harmless pat on the shoulder had crossed a boundary. I started thinking about the consequences.

After that, guilt hit me hard. I started slowing down and asked around to see if anyone else had ever felt uncomfortable with me. Almost everyone seemed surprised and said, “You? That can’t be.” But one person did mention that when I said goodbye, I had patted them on the chest as I turned to leave. They knew me well, so they didn’t mention it at the time because they didn’t see me as someone inappropriate. They knew I was just hyper. I apologized, and a tear rolled down my cheek as I left the room, feeling ashamed.

Patting people on the shoulder had always been my way of showing appreciation and gratitude. But after this, I realized I need to stop doing that, especially with people I’ve only just met.

My Conclusion

First impressions are often where opinions are formed. While I don’t generally care what others think of me, I don’t want my clumsiness to get in the way of possible long-term friendships. I also don’t want to gain a reputation for touching people inappropriately.

So, how can I stop myself from repeating this behavior? I think I’ll start monitoring myself in the next course. When I feel the urge to pat someone’s shoulder, I’ll stop and do something else. Maybe I’ll nod or shake their hand instead. If they’re a fellow nerd, I might give them the Vulcan salute.

I don't have the perfect strategy yet I only have a start.

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Picture Source - AI Generated