Blog #28 | Dealing with Cancer | Stage 2 NPCA | Struggles and Acceptance

Several years ago, I can already feel some small lumps in my neck and I am just ignoring it thinking it was just normal. Few years more have passed and still the sizes of the said lumps are not getting any bigger so I’m still ignoring until one day, third week of October 2021, my left neck got swollen. I’ve made a tele-consult that time because at that time a face-to-face consultation was very hard due to the fluid situation of pandemic (COVID-19). Speculations were made thinking that the swelling was just a common mumps.
After the consultation I continue to work and just monitoring the swelling everyday if it’s getting better or worse until first week of January 2022, I’ve decided to a have a face-to-face consultation because the swelling was already bothering the turning of my neck. At this point my doctor examined me through endoscopy and found out that there are some lumps in my nasopharynx which might be causing the swelling of my neck. He gave me some antibiotics and nose sprays as his plan was basic medication first then scheduled me for a follow-up check-up. He said if nothing happens after the medication, I should undergo CT scan. Medication failed and we decided to have a CT scan. You can see my CT scan result with this link:

https://mmcpatient.makatimed.net.ph/qs/63832288

When I got the result of my CT scan I presented it to my ENT doctor and then he advised me to have a biopsy. At this point, I am feeling the tension. I'm getting nervous and fear was very near at me. I need to stay balanced and with a calm mind so I said to myself "I need to be positive whatever the result may be". So the biopsy happened and God knows how painful it was even with anesthesia. My doctor had five pulls at me that time (5 cuts of sample tissue). After waiting for a few days for the result then boom, welcome to the world of cancer.

My world stopped for a while after hearing what my doctor said. Too many things playing on my mind. What should I do know? What's the next step? It really made me cried a lot especially when thinking that my wife was also pregnant that moment. It feels like heaven and earth crushed me in the middle. I don't know what to say to my family, friends and colleagues. On an empty waiting area in the hospital, I sat there alone. I closed my eyes and deeply talked to God through my prayers. I told him that whatever his reason for giving me this such thing I'll still believe in him. I am putting it all on him. I am surrendering myself. After having a clear mind and good spirit, I told everything to my love ones, peers and superiors. All of them were shocked of course and they showed their support for what I have to do to get better.
First wave of struggle was the chemotherapy. I was endorsed to a medical oncologist at Our Lady of Lourdes Hospital in Santa Mesa Manila Philippines and I was planned to have three cycles of chemotherapy (6 sessions) for two months. These treatments started May 2022. The first session was not that bad. I've experienced nausea and vomiting for about three days and a little lost of appetite as well. The second session, I can't feel any side effects at all. The third session was like hell! Nausea, vomiting and lost of appetite for more than one week and it caused some delays on my next sessions. It came to a point that my arms were hard as wood and I can't feel my face like I'm going to have a stroke. After recovering from the situation I reported it to my doctor and it seems like he got panicked and immediately changed my medicine and reduce the dosage for my remaining sessions. For the remaining sessions, yes I've finished it but it feels weird because I am not feeling anything at all from each sessions. No side effects, no reactions. After the final session my doctor scheduled me for a follow-up check-up and it was about a month right after the final session. Before the follow-up check-up, I noticed that the swelling of my left neck came back and also two marble-sized lumps emerged near my collar bone (left side as well). When my doctor saw it he was shocked and advised me to undergo for urgent radiation therapy. Well for the six chemo sessions, it costed me for about Php300,000.00 and it did nothing for me to get better.
I've met my radiation oncologist (well at this time I looked for a cheaper/charity hospital) and she endorsed me to Benavides Cancer Institute at University of Santo Tomas Hospital (USTH). Before the radiation starts, my doctor asked me to have an MRI in order to know if there's already some improvements from my chemo sessions and after doing so, she told me that I still need three chemo sessions going to be combined in my radiation therapy.
You can see here the result of my MRI:

https://mmcpatient.makatimed.net.ph/qs/27677302

According to my doctor, I'm going to have 33 sessions of radiation therapy and the journey that I'm going to face was very hard so I need to be strong and I can't do it alone but in my case I have to do it alone because nobody can accompany me especially my pregnant wife. So I did it by myself, me alone for every sessions. The first chemo with radiation was quite normal as I've experienced in my first ever chemo session but the side effects of the radiation was very speedy to feel. The second chemo with radiation was more extreme in terms of side effects. Nausea and vomiting for almost two weeks without eating anything, 100% lost of appetite and sense of taste. At this point I deeply talked to myself, "If this will continue a little bit more, I will surely die but not with the cancer but with the side effects of the treatments". I also assessed the outcome of my treatments and it seems like there's no significant improvements so I decided to stop it. Yes, I stopped it all. I only had 17 sessions of radiation therapy. I just realized that acceptance is the key to everything so I accept the fact that my cancer will stay with me as long as I live. I just want to spend the rest of my life with my family without struggles and pains, without causing them any trouble or burden, without wasting our family income especially to my kids. I'm just praying that God will still lend me enough time to take good care of my family, to secure them and put them to safety, that's all I want. As of now, October 20, 2022, I'm still recovering from the side effects and still couldn't eat a whole meal. I'm still relaying on supplements like nutritional formula and herbal medicine...