Just for today I will not gamble
I'll never forget the day 7th of April 2001 Red Marauder won the grand national horse race in the UK and I had backed him at 33-1. I had only placed a one pound each way bet but to come home with 66 pounds for the first bet of my life was an incredible buzz. Little did I know that this euphoric feeling would lead to an addiction that took me 25 years to overcome.
Photo by Absolute Charm from Pexels Blessed with an addictive personality it was only natural that I should get drawn to gambling. Impulsive by nature I act first and then reason later. For example, instead of eating 2 biscuits, I will eat a packet of 10. Instead of watching one episode of a new TV series, I will watch the whole season in one day. Once my interest is piqued I find it very hard to take a step back and all my rationale goes out the window.
Maybe if my horse hadn't won that race I would have walked out of that London bookies and thought what a complete waste of time giving someone your money for free. 25 years later I still struggle to find out why I wanted to gamble. I have been to numerous Gamblers Anonymous meetings over the years which I have found enormously helpful but the truth is still to this day I haven't identified the reason that made me want to gamble. It would be easy to say I wanted more money and thought incredibly naively that I would achieve this by gambling. Maybe I was unhappy living in a foreign country working long hours in a retail job and missing my family in South Africa. No one at these meetings gave me the answer. Maybe I will never find out what the deep underlying need was to gamble.
I didn't fit the typical gamblers profile, drug dependency, an alcoholic, a poor upbringing, having abusive parents. I was incredibly blessed in this regard as I had a wonderful family. I would bet on anything from cartoon horse races to blackjack. It's hard to explain to a non-gambler why you continue betting if you know that you are losing. It seems a no-brainer to cease doing something that is financially and emotionally ruining you, but when you have this illness you are so focused on your thrill. You think today I will beat the bookies and win everything back I have lost.
A GAMBLERS DAY
I remember many monthly paychecks disappearing in 5 minutes playing blackjack. I was then forced to borrow on my credit card with a lovely 21 per cent interest rate! I could have been able to afford a car, lovely holidays, flights home to see my family in South Africa but gambling had got me in a vice-like trap. I would spend days arriving in a bookies at 9:30 a.m with 100 euro and leaving at 7:00 p.m with nothing apart from a feeling of emptiness inside, that I deserved to feel low for losing my money. I would then go home to my rented apartment and I couldn't sleep as my mind would be racing thinking how would I afford to pay rent and my next credit card bill. I would be in a terrible mood the next day and didn't want to help customers. I wanted to be home gambling online on my computer planning my next bet.
Photo by Javon Swaby from PexelsA SUPPORT SYSTEM
What has helped me in addition to going to the Gamblers anonymous meetings has been my family's support and two very prominent people in my life. Firstly my wife has been such a wonderful level of support to me over the years. She has stuck with me through the lows of this illness. I remember very clearly the day she found out I had been gambling behind her back. Trust is the bedrock of any relationship and it has taken a while to rebuild that trust.
The other person who has helped me enormously is a gentleman called Frank. He is an experienced mentor and has helped many people. He's a selfless individual who helps others with his time, support and I've been so lucky to have him as my friend. We met at my tennis club eight years ago in Ireland. We struck up an immediate rapport and he was actually my best man at my wedding. Knowing how an addict behaves he took steps to try and prevent me from gambling. He took my passport, my bank cards all the tools that I could use to withdraw money to bet. Then very kindly paid off my credit card. I could only receive enough money for my food for the week, so if I decided to gamble it all in a week I would starve.
This was extremely difficult at first but by meeting him on a Wednesday for some tennis and a chat I would look forward to Friday as that is when I would meet him to get my envelope of 80 euros for food for the week. I would always look forward to Friday meeting with him as it would mean a week without gambling a mini accomplishment of sorts. On Saturdays at 600 p.m, I would meet the guys for my GA meetings. At these meetings, I would hear horrific stories from various members, attempted suicides, drug abuse, broken marriages, domestic violence criminal confessions. You name it I heard everything mentioned but those 1-hour meetings were a godsend as you got a stark reminder of what could happen to you if you gambled again.
Men are particularly shy about opening up, it's quite a thing to listen to someone when they open their soul to you and explain where they are in their life with their addiction. It´s a reminder of how fragile we are as human beings. "My names Murray I´m a gambling addict no bet since.... and then you would tell the group everything about your week". No one judging you, people just listening, understanding and offering advice. There are some incredibly special, authentic people that go to these meetings, they inspire you to continue to fight the urges to gamble and provide support to you through a sponsor each time you are tempted to gamble.
It has now been 3 years 145 days since I last had a bet. Have I ever thought about having another bet again is the question you may rightly ask? No, it hasn't entered my mind because I know the trajectory my life will take if I do. I detest the person I become when I bet. I lie to people I love the most, my wife, my family, my friends. It also affects your health, the sleepless nights wondering whether you have won or lost the money I can't go through that again.
I remember seeing an old friend of mine recently and he commented “god you look so much better Murray I can see it in your face, your eyes looked dead when you were gambling”. I want to live a normal life, a happy one with my wife when we can have adventures together. We don't have the other material things others have but we are grateful for what we have. She has made me more grounded as a person. Sometimes I wonder maybe one has to experience incredible lows to grow as a person. I have had the lows and my advice to those who identify with these terrible feelings is to seek help, there are people that can help you. Gambling will cause you so much pain and hardship in your life. Please go to gamblers anonymous meetings, reach out to a family member and a very good friend and tell them about your addiction. After admitting that you have a problem is the first step. Finding a support system is the next step.
Addictions can be overcome but it may take time. It took me 20 years but save yourself the heartache and if you feel that you may have this addiction address it now. If this post has helped you in anyway realising that you may have a gambling addiction I am humbled that this article has helped you. You can beat this addiction, believe in yourself you will be amazed by what you can accomplish if you want to change your habits.
