When friends betray me... / Wenn mich Freunde betrügen
Deutsch im Anschluß...
Dear @ruthjoe - you've come up with something nice again ;-)) Of course I would like to answer reflexively: Betrayal between friends - very bad story, unforgivable, not at all possible...!
However, with a little time to think about it, the question arises: What are we actually talking about here? I mean - what do we mean by friendship? Are we talking about real, true and deep friendships? Are we talking about superficial acquaintances? Are we talking about romantic relationships? And what exactly is a betrayal? Is it about embezzling money, cheating, slander...? So many ambiguities.
Then I read a lot of articles that have already been published. I can't really find myself in them. So - from the very beginning...:
A friendship is something very valuable and special for me. I don't call people I only know in certain contexts - work, neighbourhood, children, sport... - my friends. Even if you get on and have a coffee together. I don't call people I ‘know’ via social media friends in the narrower sense. They are sometimes close contacts, but by friends I mean...
Unconditionality. Loyalty. Acceptance. Tolerance. Emotional closeness. Patience. Support and stability.
I have three or four of them, maximum. There are changes in these constellations - the circumstances of each of us change over a lifetime and sometimes it's no longer suitable for a real friendship. Today my partner is my best friend. (Note to darling: Have I told you and shown you often enough?)
When I imagine these few people, our relationships, our mutual understanding... Then I think about someone ‘cheating’ on me... So what? Friendship is unconditional! Or to put it another way: there is no cheating among true friends.
With the others, whom I summarised above somewhat loosely as rather nice acquaintances - it happens. It's like this. We all have our dark moments, our worries and sometimes our inner bastard is stronger than our morals. Okay. Hook on it. It's just not a friend then. But wasn't ennobled as such in the first place. So why the hurt, thoughts of revenge, whatever...? That doesn't touch me inside. Maybe it can be dealt with legally. But even if not, it doesn't hurt me!
The cheating thing is deceptive in one respect: in reality, you're not disappointed in the wrong friend, but in yourself! From the lack of knowledge of human nature, the lack of attention. And you don't forgive yourself for that. So you need someone to blame to take these bad feelings out on.
Admittedly, I've presented it in a very simplified way. But I've probably managed to convey what I'm talking about. In a real friendship, everything is allowed. In other, superficial relationships, there's nothing to take offence at or perceive as a betrayal.
End of message ;-))
And also my comment here: I will not add mentions and bother other users with my invitation (because that's all this procedure is ;-))...
Joint exhibition 2020 / Gemeinsame Ausstellung 2020
Deutsche Version:
Liebe @ruthjoe – da hast Du Dir ja wieder was Feines einfallen lassen! ;-)) Natürlich möchte ich reflexartig antworten: Betrug unter Freunden – ganz schlimme Geschichte, unverzeihlich, geht gar nicht…!
Mit etwas Zeit zum Nachdenken allerdings stellt sich mir die Frage: Wovon reden wir hier eigentlich? Ich meine – was verstehen wir unter Freundschaft? Geht es um die echten, wahren und tiefen Freundschaften? Um oberflächliche Bekanntschaften? Um Liebesbeziehungen? Und was genau ist so ein Betrug? Geht es um die Unterschlagung von Geld, um Fremdgehen, um üble Nachrede…? So viele Unklarheiten.
Dann lese ich viele Beiträge, die bereits veröffentlicht wurden. So richtig wiederfinden kann ich mich darin nicht. Also – ganz von vorne…:
Eine Freundschaft ist für mich etwas sehr Wertvolles, Besonderes. Ich nenne Leute, die ich nur in bestimmten Kontexten kenne – Arbeit, Nachbarschaft, Kinder, Sport,… - nicht meine Freunde. Auch wenn man sich versteht und mal einen Kaffee zusammen trinkt. Ich nenne Leute, die ich über Social Media „kenne“, nicht Freunde im engeren Sinne. Es sind teilweise intensive Kontakte, aber unter Freunden verstehe ich…
Bedingungslosigkeit. Loyalität. Akzeptanz. Toleranz. Emotionale Nähe. Geduld. Anlehnung und Halt.
Davon habe ich drei oder vier, maximal. Es gibt Veränderungen in diesen Konstellationen – über eine Lebensspanne verändern sich die Umstände jedes einzelnen von uns und manchmal paßt es dann nicht mehr für echte gelebte Freundschaft. Heute ist mein Partner mein bester Freund. (Anmerkung für Schatz: Habe ich es Dir oft genug gesagt und gezeigt?)
Wenn ich mir diese wenigen Personen vorstelle, unsere Beziehungen, unser gegenseitiges Verständnis… Mir dann überlege, jemand davon würde mich „betrügen“… Ja, und? Freundschaft ist bedingungslos! Oder anders: unter wahren Freunden gibt es keinen Betrug.
Bei den anderen, die ich oben etwas locker als eher nette Bekannte zusammenfaßte – passiert. Ist so. Wir haben alle unsere dunklen Momente, unsere Kümmernisse und manchmal ist der innere Schweinehund stärker als die Moral. Okay. Haken dran. Ist dann halt einfach kein Freund. Wurde ja aber von vornherein nicht als solcher geadelt. Also warum dann Verletzung, Rachegedanken, whatever…? Das berührt mich doch dann nicht, innerlich. Vielleicht kann man es juristisch aufarbeiten. Aber auch wenn nicht, faßt es mich nicht an!
Die Sache mit dem Betrug ist nämlich in einem Punkt trügerisch: in Wirklichkeit ist man nicht enttäuscht von dem falschen Freund, sondern von sich selbst! Von der mangelnden Menschenkenntnis, der fehlenden Aufmerksamkeit. Und das verzeiht man sich selbst nicht. Also braucht man einen Schuldigen, an dem man diese schlechten Gefühle auslassen kann.
Ich habe es jetzt sehr vereinfacht dargestellt, zugegeben. Aber wahrscheinlich konnte ich vermitteln, worum es mir geht. In einer echten Freundschaft ist alles erlaubt. In anderen, oberflächlichen Beziehungen gibt es nichts übel zu nehmen oder als Verrat zu empfinden.
Ende der Durchsage ;-))
Und auch hier meine Bemerkung: ich werde keine Mentions einbauen und andere Nutzer mit meiner Einladung belästigen (denn nichts anderes ist diese Verfahrensweise ;-))...
When I saw the title of your post, I thought I had a lot to write about. I've been meaning to write a post on "When Friends Stop Helping" for a long time. It's somehow related to this too, because it's a kind of betrayal of friendship, or at least that's how I see it. But after reading your text now, I understand why I still refrain from writing this post. It's because I don't want to admit that it seems I actually don't have real friends anymore, that over the years they just seem to have disappeared and what I'm ready to do for them, they don't want to do for a long time. Of course, the reasons in my case could again be simply geographical or mental, due to the specifics of our usually difficult life, but from "many friends", I went to 4-5, then 2-3, until finally it happened that in a difficult moment it was not a friend who helped me, but a complete stranger whom I met on FB. That's why I can't even say that the word "friend" means anything to me anymore, it's about who is "human" in the first place. Oh, this is a completely different topic now, but yes, reading your text for the second time, I think I already agree with absolutely everything, my partner is my best friend, betrayal between true friends does not exist, what others do doesn't matter and should not touch us. And one more thing, it is not important to whom we give the title "friend", but to whom we give the title "human", in that one good sense of the word...
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It sounds absurd, but probably familiar: some friendships have not survived the corona period, or rather the measures. No cheating, so no falling out. Just contrary attitudes to the only prescribed ‘good and right’. Well...
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Anything that is known as truth should not have any form of cheating in it. In real and true friendships, there is no form of cheating
The enemy of your enemy is your friend.
Friendship, and mates, is better without trust. Trust destroyed easily a hurts but that does not that friends mates do not have spectacular qualities or that their friend, which is you, does not have spectacular wonderful qualities that will last a lifetime, maybe longer?
I wrote about the enemy of one's enemy is a friend because I watched this TV show called, The Unit, a covert military unit. The Sargeant Major makes a deal in Lebanon with a group of Christian Fighters after a Hezbollah Commander, and once the E-9 captures the H.Com, the Christian group wants him alive so they can torture the H.Com so they try to kill the E-9 after he walked into the Hezbollah fortress and got all of them. The E-9 took all of them out too and dragged along the H.Com... out of Lebanon.
Friends are great and wonderful and I have had a lot of them but at least half of them are moved on to the next world. Yep, already.
The belief of perfection in oneself leads to the belief others are perfect and they are not. Most people face inestimable obstacles and sometimes do not survive them.