@NGOENYI CONTEST #7:TELL US ABOUT YOUR CHILDHOOD AND PRANKS YOU PLAYED

HOW I FAKED MY DEATH AT 5

Anyone from Africa, especially Nigeria, would know that the strictness of black parents in the raising of their kids is out of this world. If a week goes by without you getting a resounding knock on the head, a spank in the face, or the usual fullblown, well planned and coordinated beating, then you deserve to roll the drums out in celebration, because you do not know what God has done for you. You have apparently made it life and you are accomplished!

So, my family was not exempted in this strict trend that characterized, and still characterizes ever core Nigerian parent. After my dad's death when I was barely two, my mum took up the sole responsibility of raising me. Regardless the fact that she was a woman, I still cannot fathom where she acquired the iron fist with which she raised me!

There were a set of rules I dared not violate as a child, and one of them was going out to play or mingle with other kids where we lived. I adhered to this rule amongst other rules my mum enacted for me. I was indeed a good child, and if my mum were still here (God bless her soul), she would attest to this fact. However, I would not really tag myself mischievous, but there were a couple of pranks I pulled off as a child. This particular one I am about bringing to the fore sure has to assume top in the charts.

So, on this fateful day (a lovely Saturday afternoon), I was all bored in the house. My mum had locked me inside as usual and left for the market. She left me food and water, and all I had as a source of entertainment was our parlour window. Through the window, I could leap on my toes and stretch my neck like an ostrich to help my height grow beyond the window sill level, so I could watch other children playing in the wide compound.

Well, today I was not going to have it. My friend Chinaza was already beckoning on me to pull a one-time stunt I pulled a while back. I had got away with it that time without my mum catching me. My heart raced faster than a cheetah as I contemplated reaching out for the spare key to go outside, the same way I did the other day. The thing is, I knew where she leaves her spare key, but she did not think I knew. So, after a long persuasion from my friend and some of the other kids, I decided to damn the consequences and repeat history. I quickly reached for the spare key and dashed outside in seconds, leaving the door open.
I played well into two hours and utterly threw caution to the wind. The last thing on my mind was to allow the rule I had so abominably broken bother me at this time. So I played on, but my doom was closer than I thought. Minutes later, what I heard rapidly restored my entire senses to their default format! It was the voice of our neighbour who was passing by where I was playing to empty her waste bin. She yelled: "Rachael! So you're here playing? When your mum had been back from the market since? She will kill you today. Continue playing!" At this information, the rest of the kids clustered around, already imagining my fate. I was a mess, as the play we indulged in involved contacts with dust. I tried to dust myself free of dirt the best way I could, and Nicodemusly made my way back to my front door where the door was still open, same way I had left it.

My mum was seated comfortably in the sofa as I clumsily made an entrance. "Good evening mummy", I said. She did not respond. All she said was "Go to the kitchen, you'll find your food". This reaction from her was unusual, but I played along. I ate the entire food with the hunger of a drained energy from the whole play of the day. Seeing the gluttonous attack I launched on the food, she approached the dining and asked "Do you want more?" and I responded with an affirmative nod which she quickly obliged. After finishing the extra meal she brought, I showered and retired to the room for the night. I do not recall exactly how, nor when I slept off. All I know is that the next thing I felt on my back was like I was being tapped to wakeup. Certainly not a tap initiated with the hand. What I felt on my skin was like a familiar stick she uses to dish out disciplinary measures. I knew I had been nailed. She got me exactly where she wanted me, so after a few hesitations, I knew I had to quit the "I'm-so-deeply-asleep" prank, and wakeup to face the music.

Long story short, she reeled off my offense as before a court of law, and made sure I understood why I was being penalised. After that, she got to work! She flogged me to breaking point, and I knew I had to do something before the inspired woman kills me. Quickly, I started convulsing! I pushed up the black of my eyes till they were hidden, only allowing the white portion show. My only saving grace depended on the success of this prank, so I knew I needed to make it look very genuine! I set out jerking very vigorously on the ground where she was dishing out the beatings on me. First thing I noticed was the cane she was holding dropping to the ground. At this point, I slowed the tempo of the jerks gradually, until I laid still; then gradually also, I closed my eyes. I was dead!

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She never thought I could conceive such, since I had never pulled such a stunt before. So it was easy for her to quickly believe me! She rushed out of the room and I slowly opened my eyes to take note of where she was headed. On hearing her rushing back again, I quickly closed them. Next thing I felt was a pool of water from a jug emptied on my head and face. She called out on me, shook me, and I could hear the dread of the unknown in her voice. She stooped closer to my chest and listened to my heartbeat. And then, l typical of an amateur, she softly performed what I now understand today to be cardiopulmonary resuscitation - CPR on me.

After listening to her do it 1... 2... 3...times; at this point, I let out a laboured cough, and she rushed on me in deep relief. In my quiet time and reminisces on past events, I can still hear the endless repetitions of "Jesus thank you... Jesus thank you... Jesus thank you..." gushing out of her mouth.

She called out on me, but apparently I was not going to answer such a call. I just resurrected from the dead, for God's sake! I needed time to be fully conscious. She tried to drag me to my feet, and in my mind, I was like: "seriously? After killing me? You just want me to get up and walk easily like that as if nothing happened? No way!" I was not going to stand. Sloppily, I backed up again to the ground and feigned extreme weakness, so she knew she had to carry me. She helped me up in the bed, and minutes later, brought milk in a glass for me. Of course, I drank it all! Just like she did, it was now my turn. I now had her exactly where I wanted her! 😁

After that day, I really missed that particular prank. This is because I knew it was going to be a one-time thing. If I tried pulling it off again, I knew my fraud was going to be discovered.

For the record though, that was not the last time I was beaten by her, but I understand she meant well overall. Frankly speaking though, right now, I really wish she was still here to give me one last beating. "I promise that this time, I won't die, mummy."

My reaction to my child's prank won't be so surprising considering the fact i had done it to my own mother except what she did is so out of the ordinary then I have something to worry about but then i pray he or she doesn't give me a heart attack.

Am so grateful to @ngoenyi for creating this contest makes me recall every incident that took place as a child.

I want to invite my friends to participate in this contest @emidolling and @esthyfashion.