Secrets for a better life!

I saw a video on Youtube of a Ted Talk by Robert Waldinger. The talk is based on a Harvard study called the Harvard Study of Adult Development, the longest study of its kind, which began in 1938. Although many aspects are outdated, it's still relevant and can still show us how best to be happy.

The secrets to a good life

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Success is not judged by moments

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"A glimpse into one moment in a person's life can be very misleading," writes Joshua Shenk, a reporter for The Atlantic magazine, who spent about a month in the Harvard study's archive room, hoping to learn the secrets of a good life Some people start out with all the conditions for a long and happy life and end up lonely and sad. Others start out with no prospects and end up enjoying a fulfilling life. So to judge whether someone's life is good, we need to look at the whole picture and not focus on a specific moment. Let us therefore think long-term and try to connect our daily choices and decisions with a purpose, a vision.

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The importance of emotional intelligence

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Inevitably in our lives we will be faced with failures, losses, pain. Dr. George Vaillant, the psychiatrist who led the research from 1972 to 2004, focused on how the participants responded to life's difficulties. So he concluded that the skills one used to cope with them (what he called "adaptations") largely determined how well one grew, physically and psychologically.

Vaillant created a list of "adaptations" (in other words coping mechanisms), which he considered pillars of a long and happy life. These are: altruism, humor (laughing at oneself and the adversities presented), suppression (a conscious decision to postpone an impulse or decision), anticipation (the planning of actions that may lead to a positive outcome) and depersonalization (finding outlets and expressing emotions that promote growth and making good decisions).

These skills distinguished successful men from less successful men, and they could change over time. So, for example, many men developed healthy "adjustments" after decades of being "wrong," while others developed problematic adjustments that negatively affected their careers, their marriages, their entire lives.

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The value of relationships is one of the secrets to a good life

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“When the study started, no one was interested in the importance of empathy or our connection to other people. But the key to healthy aging is the relationships we cultivate," Vaillant said. The Harvard study found that strong social ties are by far the strongest predictor of how satisfied we are with our lives and a better indicator of a long and happy life than social class, wealth, fame, IQ or even the genes. In other words, those around us are one of the secrets to having a good life.

“Our relationships and how happy we are in them have a powerful effect on our health. "People who were more satisfied with their relationships at age 50 were also healthier at age 80," said Robert Waldinger, the current director of the study. “Taking care of our bodies is important, but taking care of your relationships is also a form of self-care. Loneliness kills. It is as aggravating as smoking or alcoholism," he said.

And by good relationships, Waldinger doesn't mean relationships without tension. “Some of the couples could fight each other all day. However, as long as they felt that they could rely on each other in difficult times, the fights had no impact," he clarifies.