My Journey With Breastfeeding And Gaining Insight!

Insight is a wonderful thing, sometimes it can happen in the most unexpected ways and when it does it really helps us to forward and heal.

I loved being pregnant and I am very fortunate to have experienced 2 very empowering births. So much emphasis is placed upon birth and rightly so, but as a mother this is just the beginning of our journey, the first step into our initiation.

I put so much time and energy into focusing on the type of birth that I wanted, I was very clear with all three of mine. had read so many books on what to expect and how important it is to surrender your mind and body to the process. To trust in your bodies capabilities, which is not an easy thing to do when you have been raised in a culture that hands over responsibility for ones well being at a very young age. Leaving it for the professionals to deal with, as though we are incapable of understanding our own bodies.

It was for this very reason that I wanted home births, as hospitals are where you go to when you are sick, where you go to when you need professional input. Being pregnant and birth is the exact opposite, it is a rite of passage, a sacred act, that needs to be honored and respected.

That was my desire, to be in such an environment.

But what about after the baby is born, what sort of environment is needed then? I never really gave that too much thought, I expected things to fall into place, for me and my baby to find our natural rhythm. I expected it to be easy, because birth was the most challenging part, no?

I always knew I wanted to breastfeed my girls, there was no doubt in my mind. This is why I have breasts in the first place, why
every female does. I also understood that it can be difficult, that there are many things that can affect the babies ability to feed and our ability to feed them.
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I read about posture, positioning, diet and the numerous remedies to help a mama who struggles. And struggle I did with each one, I tried all the remedies, from cabbage leaves, to fennel tea, to sitting up and lying down. But still I struggled each time, for the first 4 weeks, I was in so much pain, so much so, that I was in tears, whilst feeding. Then I felt so guilty for getting so upset, but the pain was intense.

Still I kept going, I was so determined to breastfeed them, but I longed to know why it was so painful for me!

That revelation came to me, when I was feeling so anger and deceived. When I felt so let down and disrespected. I had split from my girls father and I was trying to process the events that led to our separation. Then out of no where I experienced a sharp pain in my breast. (I failed to mention, that there was always one breast that hurt the most). And that pain brought me back to breastfeeding and the struggles I had.

I suddenly realized that I was experiencing the same emotions that I went through after birth. That I felt unsupported and alone. That I was with someone, who did not know how to be there for me. That after each birth, I had no other support but him and he did not know how to support me.

They say it takes a whole village to raise a child, but let me tell you that it takes a whole community to support a new mum. And after each birth we are born a new. So vulnerable, with our senses so heightened that we feel so deeply and profoundly. That any dis comforts we have been experiencing before with certain people, is really magnified. Who we have around us is so important, because we still desire and need that feeling of trust and security that is so important during birth.

Each mother needs to be nurtured and taken care of, so that she can bond with her baby. But when there is tension, when she feels insecure and unsafe, then those moments when she needs to bond with her baby, is when she suffers the most. Hence my pain in breastfeeding, it was my inner emotional turmoil. Me trying so hard to relax and surrender with my baby, whilst feeling so caught up in the painful reality, of my relationship with my partner.

Breastfeeding is so complex, it is a beautiful way to bond with your baby and also a window into your journey as a mother! We can not hide our pain when we go through this transition, so much is brought to the surface and it can take years until we understand the whole process!

That is why I think, it is important to share our journeys, to share in our pain and in our joy. So that we know we are not alone!