How rediscovering my love for art helped me gain confidence in myself again

in reply to https://www.naturalmedicine.io/hive-120078/@naturalmedicine/win-100-steem-art-is-healing-challenge-plus-win-lotus-tokens

"The desire to create is one of the deepest yearnings of the human soul." Dieter F. Uchtdorf

My father always says that when I was a child I had a great sense of wonder - I was always marveled by every small detail in this word, from a beautiful leaf to a running squirrel at the park. This sense of wonder was translated into creativity. My body was urging with the impulse to express myself since a very young age. Obviously the first steps were drawing, painting and even sculpting. Everything around me inspired to create, and since I kept inventing worlds in my head, I wanted to represent those fantasy mystical worlds the best I could.

From drawing to writing, along with the endless hours spent reading books, I was not very social as a young girl. I had my best friend, who I still love very dearly, and that was basically it. I wasn't upset - I had my art, my characters, my imaginary world. I had my books, my pencils, my sketchbooks, my creativity.

I went to High School and pursued an Arts specialization. I was filled with joy with the prospect of spending three years creating and learning about art. Most of my teachers were good, but my class wasn't. My High School ended up being far from what I predicted, since I was sick through most of it (a medical mistake during an appendix surgery led to an internal bleeding that ended up giving me an aggravated form of sepsis) and I was severely bullied by my classmates for being nerdy/outcast/awkward. I ended up believing what they said about me, and I started having anxiety and panic attacks, depressive episodes and by the end of High School my creativity had almost disappeared.

The only art I've continued pursuing was writing. But the joyful heroic fantasy books gave place to depressive stories, the adventures to make the world a better place by defeating the Dark Lord gave place to hopeless and dark episodes. And even that, I always felt that my writing was not good enough.

I went to college to take Art Conservation and Restoration, where I made friends for life. Yet, I still had a big lack of confidence, I was still very awkward, and I couldn't find comfort in expressing myself again. Along with this came the emergence of social media - Facebook, Instagram, among others, started to be a part of our daily lives. Even though social media brought a lot of good stuff, the fact that I was constantly in contact with people that were so much better than me, that led better lives, that were far more talented, made me loose any interest in creating things. I knew I was never going to be good enough, so why should I continue?

Of course this came with the time I started taking strong anti depressants that made me an emotionless human being.

I was in a hole and I couldn't get out.

Maybe I didn't want to get out. It was so comfortable in the hole. No one could judge me in the hole. No one could attack me in the hole.

One day I was cleaning my room and I found a box with all my old sketchbooks. And I cried. I was so happy during those times creating new things. I was so happy with my sense of wonder.

Where did it all go?

That's when I decided that I needed to change. That I needed to come out of the hole and rediscover myself.

I took and International Volunteering experience in the English Countryside where I went to live in a farm in a self sustainable village for a few months, and also took time to reconnect with nature. This re-connection, that my body was longing for so long, awoke something in me. My body started shivering again with the need to create, to express myself. I started painting digital art and taking photographs of the nature surrounding me.

Creating my MC though digital art

Photographing nature in Trondheim, Norway

When I returned, I was a different person. I started to express myself again, through drawing, writing, painting, and even music and sewing. I learned how to play the piano alone, and lately I've bought and ukulele and started learning too. You know what I found? That when I play music, my brain also opens itself to new art. I've never associated playing music with expressing myself, since I've never been that talented to music.

But not now - I will continue to express myself, even if I am not good. Because I might not be a professional, but I am good enough for myself. That's all that matters for me.

As I've always been a huge nerd, I wanted to go to conventions, but as I've mentioned before, I was very shy, I got very anxious in crowded places. What was my solution? Cosplay!
I've started creating outfits with characters I liked. Since I was really into Steampunk at the time, I also created steampunk versions of famous characters. My first convention I went dressed as a Steampunk Harley Quinn (one of my favorite characters ever) and I felt comfortable. Why? Because I wasn't Leonor, I was Harley. I didn't feel shy or awkward, I felt empowered. I was dressing my art, and expressing myself as I was embodying another character.

Me as Steampunk Harley Quinn

In conclusion, art made me the person that I am today. Re-connecting with my artist self made me find myself again. I've stopped judging myself too hard, learned to love what I created and, as a result, I've learned to love myself again. I've quit all medication, since I didn't really needed it. I continue to express myself everyday though various ways, without pressuring myself too much, without allowing my brain to compare myself to others. And with this, I've discovered that unintentionally I have also inspired other people to create art, to express themselves. Art doesn't need to be pretty, to be perfect, because art it always an expression of our inside, of our feelings, of our ambitions, of ourselves.
Like they say in the musical Rent , "The opposite of war isn't peace, it's CREATION". Creating things helps to end the war inside our body. It makes us a better human being.
And that's how art made me the person I am today. And I am proud of myself. I love myself at last.