First condensation

in Dream Steem6 days ago (edited)
Improve your story, enhance it, give it an unexpected twist. Change the ending, the narrator's point of view.

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Title: The Curse of the Leopard Spirit

I'd seen the boy long before his parents brought him to me for answers. There was something powerful in the ancestral world that had a stronghold of his spirit that won’t let go. Amobi told me that he has been having recurring nightmares of him transforming to a leopard. The signs were crystal clear, Amobi has been chosen by the gods and has been possessed by leopard spirit to protect his family and people from danger. Or so I thought.


I had to perform some rituals on Amobi to cleanse him because I noticed he was still fighting with the spirit after taking full control of his body. When I was through with the rituals, I summoned the leopard spirit, but there was something strange about this particular leopard spirit compared to other ones. It looked so quiet and calm. It kept observing the environment. Almost... waiting.


As he stood up to leave with his parents, I reassured him that his new gifts were going to be a blessing that would unite him with the ancestral heritage of his family.


As the months passed, I saw him becoming very strong, fearless and has become sharp. He had fully embraced his new identity, discarding western culture. But there was still something strange about this new Amobi that I couldn’t quite wrap my head around. Instead of guarding his people, he distances himself from them as if he has been haunted by some dark spirit.


One midnight, while I was in deep meditation, I could feel a strange presence around me. I told whoever the person was to reveal himself, and to my amazement, it was Amobi. His eyes were filled with terror. I asked, What brought him here? He told me about his recent dreams. For a while now, the leopard spirit has been revealing itself to him as the messenger of doom. Instead of protecting his people, the leopard seems to be a spirit of vengeance that has come to avenge ancient wrongs, and from the look of things, he’s the vessel to be used to carry out that judgment.


I was so shocked to my spine. I asked myself, "What have I awakened?" Something that was supposed to be a gift has now turned into a curse. The spirit has been waiting for the perfect time for someone it could mold to carry out this mission, and neither one of us can control this vengeful leopard spirit.


I stared into his eyes, now a mirror to the leopard’s own, and I could sense what was to befall his community, his school, and even those friends of his that laughed at him. The leopard is on a mission to tear down the people who pushed for the abolition of tradition in the community.


I stood there in shock while I watched him disappear once again into the darkness. I wish I could do something about it, but unfortunately, the day of retribution has come upon the people. I could only wait and watch as the prophecy unfolded.


Condensed version

source

I’d seen the boy long before he was brought to me for answers. Amobi was the chosen one to protect his people. But there was something off about this “leopard spirit” that was trying to possess him. As Amobi’s power grew, darkness clung to him.


One night he came to me, looking fearsome, telling me about his nightmare that revealed a new twist. He wasn’t a protector as I thought, he was a vessel to be used to unleash vengeance on his people. It was too late to undo my mistake. I watch helplessly as he left to execute his mission


Reflection

After reading the “instructions,” especially the part that told us to create a different ending. The only thought that crossed my mind was coming up with a horror movie scene but in a Nigerian setting.


As Africans, a few percentages still believe in ancient tradition that involves idol worship and spiritual practice, despite the introduction of religion. So, it was easy capturing my story from that spiritual angle.


For instance, the beginning part of the story gives a much broader perspective for the readers to understand the whole spiritual journey that took place and also points out some rituals that occurred before Amobi’s transformation.


As we go further in the story, you will notice the weird feeling and fears the narrator had when he first noticed something strange about this leopard spirit, and also how the main character started drawing back from the society he was supposed to protect as a result of the dark spirit haunting him. That way, it was easy to form a scenario that breeds fear for the readers.


In the ending part, the narrators worst fears came to pass, and coupled with the fact that he plYed a role in summoning the leopard spirit that had a mission of destroying the people he was meant to protect and there was nothing he could do about it, made him had guilty conscience. The narrator also wanted to emphasize that people should also take caution when dealing with spiritual things they don’t understand because you can never tell the end result.


The title

From the first part of the story, the theme dwells on the powerful gift of the leopard spirit that was meant to protect his peoples from danger. So, since this new story needed a little bit of twist and a different ending, I had to transform that gift into a curse. The name “curse” gives that horror effect in the story. Like the movie, the “curse of Chucky.” While the “Leopard spirit” is tied to our Nigerian tradition in Ibo land. The Ibo call it “ishi AGU.”


Combining these two words was how I got the title, “Curse of the Leopard Spirit.” Then I framed a story around it.


Turning point

The turning point is when Amu you obi started withdrawing from his people that he was meant to protect and was haunted by a dark spirit that was seeking revenge on the same people that it felt had bastardized the old traditions and sought a western way of life.

Cc: @joslud
@solperez

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Hi, @sbamsoneu

Excellent friend, I enjoyed reading the new version and even more the condensation requested by the task.
That narrator- witnesses makes it great, connects us with what he believes was his mistake and anticipates an unimaginable ending. Congratulations. I value your way of writing.

Now, I go with the qualification.

Where is the title? In a micro -story, it is part of the story.

The healer character, who is given to us now is very well-developed and is magnificent, earned his story and place.

The other is your reflection. I would like to meet the author, behind the story, what did you learn from this exercise? What really led you to leave behind Amobi?

But personally I believe since I read your first story, it's him, Amobi; To whom you have to give voice. In that order, I am thinking of assigning you a special task for your graduation.

You will receive my telegram. 😉😂


Task 1: 2,47/3 pts

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I am thinking of assigning you a special task for your graduation.

Although I’m learning new things from this new micro writing… your task isn’t easy at all. I can’t imagine how hard the graduation task will be…😂😂

I remember the first week I saw the contest, I was so excited that it will be easy after all is just to write in 150 words.. when I started it, it took me like 2-3 days to compress my work to 150 or 100 words. I almost gave up in task 1.

Now I’m tasked to write in 60 words.. is been 2 days and I’m still working on it…😂🤣😂

Dear @sbamsoneu

Woow, you managed to leave me speechless.

Now, task 1 is not only the condensed story. We want to know how you learned to condense the story, what things were easy for you, what things were difficult. How you condensed it.
Look at the example:

https://steemit.com/microwrite03/@soulfuldreamer/first-condensation

Put your reflections in the post..

I look forward to evaluating.

I’ve done the correction..

👍

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Hi, @sbamsoneu

Subject: send author review.

Concise text, thirty words maximum. For special edition of NG magazine.
Content: What do you want to say about yourself as an author?

@ejemplo.jpg

Your story is a true definition of not all that glitters ✨ are gold. In this life we must avoid hasty decisions that are based on assumptions because it can leads to our very own destructions. Amobi was a bad guy but was mistaken to be good, and it's was too late when they realize. I like your twist, success!

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