My Grief Last Two Nights

This is the trace of the ink I spilled last two nights in my clumsiness. I am mostly never clumsy. But that night, I was crying and while I cried, my tears mixed with the spilled ink.

I lost a friend last two nights. I cut off ties with him because I wanted a better friendship. When I used to be with him, I was always cautious, always feeling this little guilt gnawing at my heart. I couldn't really get to him how I was supposed to. I couldn't hug him, couldn't get comfortable around him but I wanted us to be better.

It's hard having to watch and be careful all the time. I'm always having to consider the emotions of another person when I'm with him. I want to think free. My friendship with another person was limiting ours. I don't want to have to choose between two people. I don't want to have to make difficult choices.

So, I cut off ties with him and sent him a bad message and I know I must have hurt him. Because he trusted me and he held friendships in high regard. If anything, he wasn't expecting that message from me. On a deeper level, I think we meant more to each other. He probably hates me now and maybe doesn't want to have anything to do with me. When I saw him last, he wasn't wearing the bracelet I gave him. It came from a deep place in my heart. He told me he loved it when I gave him and that he would always keep it close. So, if he didn't wear it, how hurt must he be?

I feel so foolish for sending him that text. I feel a deep regret and wish I could go back in time to delete those hurtful words. I apologized to him. But, he said he needs space to think and I'll grant him that. And while I do that, I'll keep on holding hope in my heart that he forgives me. I'll keep on missing him and holding his space in my heart. I miss him and I love him.