My Life, My Struggle- Part 2
It fun how most of the time we fall prey to certain things not because we are stupid or that dump but because in our hearts we are desperately yearning for it and therefore we tend to give a blind eye but the truth is right in front of us. I never thought that I for once who be one of those people who hold on to something even when you know, it is actually right in front of you but I think I was desperate, believe you me I was that desperate. When I think about it now, I laugh out loud, i don't condemn myself because I learnt the lesson and I moved on. I would laugh at people who would hold on to a dead love, I would love and say to myself I will never stay with a guy who doesn't love me, exactly when I see the signs right there I will run for the hills.
One of the moments when you find that you have been single for a long time, well to be frank I was trying to heal emotionally not because of many heartbreaks because I always ended things before they began. I was conscious to not allow my heart get broken. You cannot blame a girl for that, after all, I never grew up with a father so I never had a real man showing me how I would also love a an back. I love each moment I took to reflect and ask God to forgive me for not forgiving mu dad for not being present and I did forgive myself first and him. Now, I see right through the love through him. I love my dad to bits, he is the best dad ever. Now that I had healed, well, I thought I had, I decided to give someone a chance. This guy was like a friend but not that close, he had been asking out since two years back but he stopped and engaged in a relationship with someone else that should have been the first sign that I should have noticed or remembered but I didn't.
I believe when a guy is pursing after you he should never that a break and date someone else then come back again once their so called relationship has broken down, he should never give up if he is really into you. So to this guy I was just more like a rebound or worse still the girl who hurt his ego after he asked me out and he just came back to try his luck once again and after that not pay attention to me, after all I had hurt his ego some it was payback time. I foolishly agreed and two months down the line I felt like I was still single again, I was emotionally alone lol.
The nerve of that guy to imagine I asked him how the relationship was going he said quite OK and I complained that for when it was not and pointed out that he was not giving me time, there was hardly anything talk between the two of us and that is when he finally said oh yes there is something wrong with it meaning if I had not pointed out he was never going to say anything. That was sign number two but I took a blond eye to it.I should have read between the lines from what he texted me when I asked him what were his expectations as we date. If you were you would be laughing right now remembering what he told me. I was shocked like how can a normal person who was to have a real relationship with me tell this rubbish but once again I pushed it at the back of my head. The final bomb was on the day of Valentine, he went MIA on me something he also did but today was worse. O f course he hardly talked to me and would take time to reply me but now I opened my eyes and saw the naked truth. He just texted Happy Valentine's day and that was it not plans for the day just nothing. I wanted to cry that day but then I would never be weak for a stupid man. That is when it become very clear to me that he never loved me at all.
I saw the signs but chose to ignore not because I was that much in love with him but rather it was fear. Fear of being alone, fear that everyone my age was either in a serious relationship or getting married, having babies and here I was alone single. I did not want to die the old bitter woman so I was now sacrificing my happiness so that I could be in a relationship where I was not loved or even needed. But as I reflect I see that it is not me alone in that struggle, many of us women we are facing the very same situation. But this is My life My struggle. I have fought the battle. I have forgiven myself once again for being stupid and now I have moved on. I just told him It is over and block him and blacklisted him because I was not up for the conversation of why, what is wrong, sorry, let us try again.
#My Life, My Struggle