Thoughts about domestic violence and divorce...

THOUGHTS ABOUT DOMESTIC VIOLENCE AND DIVORCE...

The song “ 2 beds and a coffee machine” by Savage garden has been playing in my head for the longest time now and for some reason, every time I heard it had a nagging feeling that I need to say something related to that here. I kept putting it off but this feeling does not seem to go away so I thought I needed to sit down and write a few words.

I sincerely hope the feeling that kept bugging me to post this has nothing to do with the fact that some of you out there are currently struggling with these painful things in your life. But just in case it is, I hope something stems inside of you after listening to the song and reading these words…something to give you the strength to realise you deserve more than what you are getting right now, so much more. There is no excuse in the world that justifies another person to raise their hand towards you, hurt you physically...or cut you emotionally with hateful words that make you feel small and like you are not worthy of respectful, caring and unconditional love. That thought is what derails it all, because we all are worthy of it.

You will never hear me utter the words “I know how you feel” to someone suffering inside an abusive relationship, living inside the feelings of guilt and shame that are not their shame to begin with…for one simple reason. I am not you, with your reasons to be where you are, your past past or your experiences. Further more, I have been lucky enough not to have ever been in a situation where I would have been afraid of the person who claims to love me, the person who should be my greatest alley and supporter in life, not the worst enemy and I hope and pray I never will. But most of the time life is not for us to plan, sometimes things happen that we never thought would and we find our selves in situations we said we never would be in. If I will one day wake up to the realisation that I myself am inside a destructive relationship, I hope I will remember my own words and find the courage to say NO, I deserve better. As we all do.

Like I said, I never experienced abuse in this sense from anyone, but have seen way too many sad stories in my professional life as a counsellor and seen it happen to people close to me, the destruction of abuse between a couple. From the outside perspective it seems easy to leave and often we hear people say “Why is she/he taking that, why does she/he just walk away and start over?”. People often dont stop to think, step outside of the happy bubble they exist in and thats why they don`t understand that there are a lot of reasons, dependency, children, hope that things are going to get better, love(no matter how strange that may sound), defeat, fear, self-esteem stripped by the abuser, psychological mindgames…the reasons are endless and often, like in addictions as well, take alcoholism for example, things that make our life often seem miserable to outsiders, we stick to what we know.

Even if we are unhappy, it is our unhappiness that makes us feel safe and comfortable, because it is what we know. Moving away from that is often scarier than the unhappy reality we live in. The unknown is full of uncertainties and even if it might lead to a more happier existences, the first step to rip ourselves to another direction is often too scary for us. That is why we need people around us to support us without judgement, carry us, be our self-esteem and self-love when we are all out of it ourselves. We need people who genuinely want us to be safe and happy.

My thesis when studying my BA in social science dealt with researching how children view divorce, the psychological effects to the child if parents stayed together in a bad marriage or decided to get divorced when the child was still young, ways how parents should handle the divorce so the damage to the child would be as minor as possible, how to explain it to the child and so on. Children see and hear things adults often think they don't and children have a funny way of making it seem like what ever happens in the family or between the parents, regardless if it involves them or not to be their “fault” and that it is their responsibility to “fix it”. Depending on the age of the child and the severity of the problems in the family, there can be psychological problems that develop for the child as they are growing up that stem from what is going on. I have seen unfortunately many examples of that when working with teens and children coming from situations like that and do not wish it upon anyone. I always thought of the relationship between the parents as the true “home” for the child. If it' s loving, safe and caring...all is well, but if there is abuse of any kind ...well, you can imagine what the child feels as they grow up, how scared and confused they are. The very foundations of who they are and will become are shaken to the core. Also the way parents relate to each other as partners, from that children learn how to relate to their partners in the future, how a relationship should look like,
how you should treat your loved ones…so seeing destructive relationship between parents will often harm their future relationships, make it harder to make things work as they grow up.

Based on what we discover from the research and multiple interviews with adults that had experienced a divorce as kids or grew up in a family struggling with abuse etc, if dealt with properly, divorce is always a better option in the long run for the child than to be brought up inside an unstable war zone. Saying,”we are staying together because of the children”, never was a statement in my mind that had any real truth in it.

So, please, if you are living in a relationship that you deep inside your heart know is not healthy and you have done your best to fix things and make it better, weather you are a parent or not…don' t let another moment pass, life is too short to be unhappy or let anyone treat you like you do not matter. You are deserving of love. And there are people in this world that want to give you that love. Be strong, speak up, let people help you. You are not alone♥

By: Suvi Inkinen