Why I Am Choosing Not To Forgive You
Forgiveness is a tricky thing really if you think about it. Because we are taught as children that we need to forgive others and communicate to them that we are hurt by their actions. But, what if you don't have to forgive if you don't choose to?
If it's not what you feel is right in your heart to do then why do it?
I think we all have this innate desire to have perfect relationships with others so we feel that we must choose to forgive someone that has wronged us and move on like it never happened even if we never forget how their actions made us feel.
Making a Conscious Decision
I made the conscious decision recently to not forgive a family member that had asked for my forgiveness after they had stolen money from me when I allowed them to stay in my house for a few months when they were homeless. It was not a lot of money and I don't really worry about money at all. But, it violated my trust and made me feel taken advantage of when I was trying to help.
The backstory is that this is not the first time that this person has grossly taken advantage of a situation but I had chosen to give them another chance (just one more).
Part of my spiritual journey has included choosing to consciously forgive people that have wronged me in the past and to make amends to anyone that I may have wronged, intentionally or otherwise. But, I realized recently that I may not want to continue this practice as much as I have in the past because it feels like it is draining me.
Doing What You Feel Is Right
After making my decision to not forgive, I had a conversation with a friend of mine that is also on a spiritual journey and she told me that I had made the wrong decision in choosing not to forgive.
As much as I love her and value her opinion, we are not all on the same journey and we all have to make our own choices and figure out our lives for ourselves.
Her thought was that I am going to block blessings from entering my life by holding a grudge against this person. But, here is my thought...
I am NOT holding a grudge. I am choosing to not forgive someone that has wronged me time and time again.
Don't get me wrong, I still love this person. They are my blood and helped to raise me.
I am choosing to not have a relationship with this person and just move on with my life without them being a part of it.
What I Hope To Gain
Honestly, what I hope to gain by not forgiving people as easily as I have in the past is a backbone. I have always believed that in order to spiritually grow I needed to forgive people and choose to love them even with their many faults.
But, what I have realized is that not everyone is deserving of my forgiveness or my love. I was spreading myself too thin by trying to love so many people and choosing to send them light. Ultimately, I felt like my light was diminishing from within by trying to be too positive.
Weird, right?
Maybe others on spiritual journeys will understand this and maybe they won't. Maybe my experience is unique or I am doing this wrong. But, for me, choosing to guard myself a little bit more and not be so outgoing or open with my affections for others has helped me to start healing mentally from experiences where I have been taken advantage of.
I am learning to prioritize myself and my own well-being a little bit more. This has actually allowed me to help more people in the long run than I could before, surprisingly. Because if I don't take care of myself at all like I was before then I am not as effective in my dealings with other people around me. I may get cranky or not fully listen to them in conversation because I am just too tired.
Empowerment and Strength
I have found an inner strength that I never knew that I possessed just by learning to say "no" in this instance. I am choosing who to have in my life and who not to. It is actually quite freeing.
Essentially, I am choosing to not forgive because I don't have to and I don't want to. Sometimes, people just aren't worth our forgiveness or our time.
We can love them from afar and choose not to have a relationship with someone that has hurt us.
As long as you don't dwell on the incident or harbor negative feelings toward that individual. Because carrying around resentment or hatred is just not good for you and this is what can cause blockages of blessings that my friend had been talking about.
Operating from a point of hatred or loathing is not healthy mentally or physically and may end up stealing your joy.
So, forgiving others should be entirely your choice and the choice should come from a place of spiritual alignment.
I would love to hear your thoughts on forgiveness and how you have acted when faced with a decision like this one.
Thanks for reading!
Ivy
I have had a really bad experience with my mother. She did/ said so many horrible things to me growing up. Some things unforgivable by many but for me, for my spiritual growth, I had to forgive her.
But forgiving her doesn't mean she has permission to continue to treat me the way she does, the way she has in the past.
I don't have to continue to let her use me, verbally abuse me, steal from me, lie to me, or anything else she manipulates me into.
What it means is that I have learned from my mistakes. learned that I don't need a person like her in my life.
What I've also learned is that I have a lot more self-respect when I can forgive her for her behaviors but I don't have to let her continue those behaviors around me.
Forgiveness isn't for her, it's for me and my spiritual growth. I can't grow if I can't learn from my mistakes.
I try to look at everyone in my life as either a lesson or a blessing, and try to see what is their purpose for crossing my path.
Are they placed in front of me to teach me something?
Maybe this person was placed in front of you for you to learn to forgive?
I do see your point and appreciate such a well thought out response to my post. Thanks! I have spent my entire life easily forgiving others and was never able to fully move on from the situation and never felt like I grew from the experience. I would no longer hold resentment toward them or any ill-will but I always felt like I was selling myself short. Maybe my thinking is backwards here but in my heart I felt like truly forgiving someone was taking away from myself and my own happiness. I still love the person that wronged me and always will. I am just choosing to not allow them into my life anymore. Maybe I have forgiven them in some small way but have maintained my own sanity in the process?
I've lived with a grudge before and it was hard caring it in my heart. Just the mention of the name of that person was enough to make me go into a wrathful state and get my blood pressure high.
It was not healthy. It weighed me down and made me seem angry at all times.
It is part of my visionboard for 2018 to let go of that emotion. Not to forgive them but to be at peace.
Great topic.
Vision boards are incredible tools! I have one hanging in my living room that I am constantly taking apart and rebuilding as my life changes or as I grow as a person. I am in the process of welcoming peace into my own life like it sounds like you are. It is a journey that I think we will be on for the rest of our lives because peace is fragile and fickle. But, with patience and love for ourselves we can learn to enter a peaceful state easily with practice. Thanks so much for the comment!
Ivy
Forgiveness is one of the most powerful acts we can perform. If not for them, for ourselves. You say you do not hold a grudge, but to keep the acknowledgement of wrong-doing in our minds is like picking up a hit coal, thinking it will protect us. To not forgive is to burn ourselves. To let go of the past and release judgment creates a peace of mind that is indescribable.
We can forgive someone but keep distance from them. It is wise to acknowledge the karma others manifest for themselves and act to protect ourselves, but to do so by cutting a person out of our lives is both harsh and foolish. When a person is at their darkest, the light from a loved one's heart can turn their world upside down. Likewise, when someone who has wronged you comes around, and you have not cast judgment on them, the love that can manifest is powerful and freeing.
I understand where you're coming from, I really do. I've been hurt by so many people in the past. I found that by stepping out of those cycles of thinking negatively about others and only radiating love fundamentally shifts the way these scenarios resolve themselves. People are used to the type of responses they get from people they do wrong against, so when you turn the other cheek and wholly forgive a person it shakes their foundation. They will see the freeness you have, and even if it does not have an immediate impact, it will always be in their mind, slowly awakening them to the power of the heart.
I see your point and appreciate your comment. I feel like letting this person go from my life is what is best for us both honestly. I love them and want what is best for them but I feel like they do not want what is best for themselves. They make poor decisions that don't benefit them and seem to want only to take from others. I have let them go with love and light. I honestly don't harbor a grudge against them but feel that the purpose that we have served in each other's lives is now over. I have forgiven this individual many times in the past but they have continued to harm me so I just can't allow it to continue because it robs me of my peace. Thanks so much for sharing your insight with me!- Ivy