As someone who's experienced severe depression and anxiety, and come out of it to lead a fairly normal, unmedicated life, I find it really satisfying to reflect on my journey and hopefully help other people who battle similar monsters. There are over 300 million people in the world who have clinical depression. The rate of Americans taking an SSRI has almost doubled since 2010, and more than tripled since 2000. NY Times.

"Between 2011 and 2014, approximately one in nine Americans of all ages reported taking at least one antidepressant medication in the past month, according to national survey data released by the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC). Three decades ago, less than one in 50 people did." --PsychNews

One in nine Americans take an antidepressant... If you are one of them, this series is especially for you. I was one of them until a year ago, when @AustinHopper challenged me to question think critically about my reliance on an SSRI. At first, I was very defensive. "He has no idea what battles I face everyday." I said to myself. "My brain doesn't work the way his does. I wouldn't be taking these if I didn't need them...Right?"

Content Warning: My story may be triggering/difficult for some people with tendencies toward self-harm, eating disorders, anxiety and depression.

I was first prescribed antidepressants in 2014, my third year of college, when I finally reached out to a school counselor after years of struggling to keep my shit together. Long story short, I hadn't been coping with adulthood since I left home in the first place and I had turned to a dangerous combination of disordered eating, binge drinking, and cutting/burning for a release. Not that I told the counselor any of that. "I think I'm depressed because I grew up with out my mom," I said simply. "Let's try Lexapro," she said in return.

When your doctor/therapist/counselor prescribes you an antidepressant, they are literally guessing which one will work for you.

Prescription drugs are trial and error. I didn't realize that until a years later. Medications are less of a science and more of a bandaid approach to brain and body dysfunctions. Why is this important to know? Two reasons:

1. It will help you let go of the narrative that your brain/body needs a particular drug to function properly. Despite what your therapist tells you, you are not incomplete without your SSRI. They were making a guess that it would help you in the first place, so don't idolize your dependence on it.
2. Sometimes your doctor guesses wrong and the implications can be deadly.
   

Sometimes your doctor gets it wrong.

Accompanying every antidepressant medication is a warning: "Stop this medication is your depression worsens, or if you have increasing thoughts of suicide."

The night of my 21st birthday, a month after starting Lexapro, I was laying on my bedroom floor, staring at the ceiling, and letting blood run out of a four inch cut up my left arm. After a few minutes, I drove myself to the hospital and was admitted for a week of therapy in the psychiatry unit. Before Lexapro, I had never daydreamed about dying or made a suicide attempt. And you adjust to it so gradually, you often don't realize how the drug is really effecting you. A therapist at the hospital switched my medication to Zoloft and I was released. Three weeks later, I was no longer having erratic, sucicidal behaviors and thoughts.

Quitting an SSRI is as difficult as any other drug.

For the three years I was prescribed and taking an antidepressant, not a single doctor or therapist ever discussed the side effects or symptoms of withdrawing from it. In fact, once I was on an SSRI, I was not further monitored, nor asked any questions about it. It wasn't until my boyfriend at the time started questioning my dependance on it that it occurred to me to start weening off/stopping the medication.

"Antidepressants are not harmless; they commonly cause emotional numbing, sexual problems like a lack of desire or erectile dysfunction and weight gain. Long-term users report in interviews a creeping unease that is hard to measure: Daily pill-popping leaves them doubting their own resilience, they say." --NY Times

What happened when I did finally start weening off the medication? Nausea. Brain Zaps (you feel like there are little electric pulses shooting through your brain throughout the day). Anxiety. Depression. Insomnia. Severe Irritation. Emotions that I hadn't had to feel in over three years came flooding back at full force. There were hours where all I could do is sob and hide in bed. If not for my boyfriend at the time being there to hold me for hours and reassure me day after day that I was going to be better off without Zoloft, I couldn't have done it. For two-three months, it took all of my willpower, all of his support and a lot of running/hiking to make it through the withdrawal.

"Patients who try to stop taking the drugs often say they cannot. In a recent survey of 250 long-term users of psychiatric drugs — most commonly antidepressants — about half who wound down their prescriptions rated the withdrawal as severe. Nearly half who tried to quit could not do so because of these symptoms." --NY Times

SSRIs block a lot more than just your reabsorption of serotonin.

Once I made it through my period of withdrawal, the true extent of how numb I had been emotionally hit me. Yes, Zoloft had alleviated the lows, but it also took away the highs. You move through life almost zombie-like on an antidepressant, and you adjust to it so gradually at first that most people don't really notice. The second stage of my withdrawal was a period of grieving for all the moments in three years that I hadn't been able to feel. After two months off of an SSRI, I was able to feel a kind of joy and happiness that I hadn't in a very long time. Everything felt more vivid. I am now more fully alive. That, to me, is worth having the lows.

If you are someone who is trying to get off of an anti depressant, check out The Withdrawal Project. It provides online and local resources to help you ween or totally kick the meds. There is a community of people just like you! Don't give up!