Healing After Trauma: how we respond to pain makes all the difference

Have you ever met the people whom life has made bitter?

I’m sure we all have. They usually have an embedded story about an event or string of experiences owing to their bitter reaction to life.

I am in no way hating on these people, in fact I have great compassion for them for they are all of us.

Everything comes undone by Jacqueline Maloney

All of us have the ability to become embittered, mean or closed down from the events life “throws at us”.

I say this because over the past two days since the car accident I have been dealing with a range of emotions. My dreams have pointed to the need for cleansing and healing. I think to myself, I cannot hold onto this. For I know if I hold onto it, it doesn’t lead to anything good.

El hilo rojo by Jacqueline Maloney

@sharoonyasir wrote in the comment section of Ini’s article about the accident,

Also, I'm glad you were able to see a lot more light in the situation and did not let it make you turn negative.

This morning as I was journaling I started to think about my response to this accident. My emotions have been all over the place. I’ve experienced fear, sadness, anger, and numbness. Overall, I have been very emotional and, though I also want to heal, there has been a feeling of I’m not quite sure how.

Yesterday I was listening to a playlist and Trevor Hall’s Bowl of Light came on:

Don’t you carry stones in your bowl of light.

That really hit home as harboring the emotions from the accident and in essence Not letting go of them is like carrying stones.

This morning as I was journaling to clarify, understand and release, I started thinking about the pain that so many experience while living on earth. In new age circles there is this dangerous belief that if bad things happen to you, you’re out of alignment or not living your highest truth. That line of thinking is dangerous on many levels, but most of all it makes you feel like you are bad or wrong if something “bad” happens to you.

In reality, life is a mix of interacting with both the “good” and the “bad” (though I don’t believe in black and white dichotomies) and “bad” things happen to us all, as well as “good”. Today I am going to dive into the “bad” things.

Everyone has these experiences and what is hitting home this morning is that it is not the fact of having or not having them, but in how we respond to them.

When I see you seeing I feel a pulse everywhere by Jacqueline Maloney

A healer once explained it to me like the skins of an onion. Life is like adding layers to the onion. Healing is not adding more when misfortune strikes or things don’t go how we want them to. Healing is peeling back layers of the onion and healing past hurts that we’ve accumulated.

I have known many people for whom life “got the best” of them. I have known people for whom a horrible incident happens in their life and they are so wounded by it, so in pain that they cannot move forward and their life becomes centered on the event. Their energy drags it along with them wherever they go. It’s as Sharoon said, it’s good you didn’t let it make you negative.

Because that is what misfortune has the ability to do- it makes us close down, hold our pain in, stop believing in possibilities or different outcomes. I know many people who have been wounded in relationships and say, “I’ll never believe in love again” or “I could never remarry” or "All men (or women) are this way." This has made me sad since I was a young girl and I saw this happening within my extended family. The pain is so great that we shut down and close ourselves down to alternative realities. We cannot believe anything different could happen to us.

And for good reason, it is a protective reflex.

The person has been wounded and they are shielding the wound. But what happens after some time and the person is still shielding, the wound is festering because it hasn’t got any air, care, no salve or balm? Like a skin wound, it requires opening it up, changing the bandages, getting fresh air, clean change of dressings, perhaps some antibiotic ointment, and salve. The skin self-heals if given proper care.

she closed her eyes to tell the truth by Jacqueline Maloney

This points to the need to fully process what happened. To care for it, air it out (talk about it, journal, share, lean on others, pray, etc) and seek healing. When our hearts hurt or we carry trauma in our bodies, it can be really difficult to talk about it. We are mostly taught in our culture to hold emotions inside and to not dwell on the negative, let alone focus on it and air it out in order to heal – all the worse if you are masculine in presentation, as “boys don’t cry.” And many survivors of traumas like rape or molestation are not even believed and this adds another layer of pain and trauma. These are very hard circumstances to heal from. We need to let it out, be believed and seen in order to move on. We cannot live in alternative possibilities if the old experience is still living on inside of us.

While studying massage therapy and energy healing:

I learned that life experiences, thoughts, trauma, etc certainly stores itself in our bodies. We hold our breath or shrink our shoulders up. We have that one very hard muscle where we hold tension. Perhaps we lean a certain way when people talk to us out of protection or have trouble making eye contact. These are all bits and bobs of past experiences stored in our bodies. Children are examples of this. Of course some of us are shyer than others, but children are born naturally open to experiencing life, curious about surroundings. It is the shielding and sheltering that accumulates as we grow older and “life happens” that creates our armor.

Hecate's Crow and the Mugwort Moon by Jacqueline Maloney

As the Buddha said, the nature of life is suffering.

It is that way because it is constantly changing. We are creatures who naturally form bonds and attach and when we experience loss as things naturally change, this hurts. It’s completely natural. That experience is very human and we cannot control it. The only thing we can control is our response.

So I am choosing not to carry any trauma, fear, anger, and sadness from this accident as a stone in my body or in my life. I’m sure I’ll have to continue working through and processing any emotions that may come up, but I am not going to let this close me down. I want to believe in the bright possibilities of life and I cannot do that if my heart is shut down or if I am living in fear.

As Rumi says in his poem, The Guest House,

This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.

A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
as an unexpected visitor.

Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they are a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still, treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.

The dark thought, the shame, the malice.
meet them at the door laughing and invite them in.

Be grateful for whatever comes.
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.

— Jellaludin Rumi,
translation by Coleman Barks

It all moves through you by Jacqueline Maloney

There is another story that comes to mind also and it is a Taoist tale.

It’s a story of a farmer and his horse.

One day his horse runs away. And his neighbor comes over and says, to commiserate, “I’m so sorry about your horse.” And the farmer says “Who Knows What’s Good or Bad?” The neighbor is confused because this is clearly terrible. The horse is the most valuable thing he owns.

But the horse comes back the next day and he brings with him 12 feral horses. The neighbor comes back over to celebrate, “Congratulations on your great fortune!” And the farmer replies again: “Who Knows What’s Good or Bad?”

And the next day the farmer’s son is taming one of the wild horses and he’s thrown and breaks his leg. The neighbor comes back over, “I’m so sorry about your son.” The farmer repeats: “Who Knows What’s Good or Bad?”

Sure enough, the next day the army comes through their village and is conscripting able-bodied young men to go and fight in war, but the son is spared because of his broken leg.

And this story can go on and on like that. Good. Bad. Who knows?

What this shows us also, and I hinted at it when I said I don’t believe in the “good” and “bad” dichotomy is that we cannot know the larger picture transpiring amidst our smaller view. We can only see one aspect of reality and to us it may look bad, but it also is a part of a much larger picture and we cannot see all of the factors. Who knows what hidden blessing is included within loss, pain, misfortune, etc. And when I say this, I am not lessening anyone's pain if they have experienced extremely horrible things and I am not telling you how you should feel or react.

Lusaaset's garden by Jacqueline Maloney

Change is unpredictable and uncontrollable and we cannot go back in time, but we do have the choice to keep our heart’s open, heal our pain, and believe in an open field of possibilities.

Writing is part of how I heal so thank you for reading this and witnessing me.

Thanks also for everyone's love & support.