I understand. I've been dealing with depression and anxiety for most of my life. I also have social anxiety which sounds to me like what you are describing.
Anxiety can cause a bit of depersonalization sometimes where you feel like you lose your train of thought and aren't really connected which sometimes happens to me when I try to force eye contact. Try looking inbetween someone's eyes. They won't be able to tell and it's not as disconcerting as looking directly into their eyes.
Don't be so hard on yourself about needing time away from social situations. I set parameters in advance for social engagements so that I don't feel bad leaving early.