Footnotes To Having A Family - Issue 1
Dear Reader,
Thank you for visiting! This series of weekly posts will be about the journey of becoming a Father and Husband in the modern day.
The concepts of boyhood, manhood, fatherhood and being a husband have been under significant stress in our western cultures in recent years. As a result it has become increasingly hard to navigate the winding roads of what it means to be a Man today. My mission is to share the mistakes I have made and guide you through my ways of dealing with problems that come up in marriage and in fatherhood in a way that is always family oriented. If you find any common ground or have a different answer to the issues which we will go through please leave a comment!
About Me:
I am now 26 and have been a father for 1.5 years. I am happily married and genuinely try to do everything in the interest of my family. It hard to express how much I love to contribute the overall being of my family because for me it is a lifestyle and a hobby. People measure wealth in different ways, some measure it in knowledge, some in trinkets and some in fitness. I measure my wealth in "family units". A family unit basically consists of the material wealth of my family, the overall stress level in the family, the general atmosphere of the home, and the Husband-wife and Father-son relationships that I maintain. The end goal is always to make sure that each category is getting adequate attention.
About Being a Husband:
Being a husband is a job 24/7 and you wont be perfect. Every day requires maintenance otherwise it can get away from you. In my life I have found that being a good husband has been one of the most rewarding ambitions.
I married a girl I love and I make sure to tell myself every day. It sounds a little desperate but it is not, its rather important to maintaining a healthy marriage. Understanding how I feel today compared to yesterday, the past week or the past month and as a result I become aware of an issue very quickly. Applying this "philosophy" of mine tells me when I have a bad day with my wife. I feel how hard or easy it is for me to tell myself "I love her" in the morning. The best use comes in the form of rapid problem solving between you and your wife.
For example, lets say that that you wake up and since you can remember you have been excited to kiss your wife goodbye before work (lets say is been 20 days without an incident). You kiss her goodbye in the morning, have a hard day at work or she had a hard day with the baby and you argue that night. You go to bed angry at each other and you wake up the next day thinking "I...love....you", not so easy to give that morning kiss when the last thing you did was scream at her, or even worse, she at you, but you do it anyway. That was rough but its just one fight, nothing that cant be fixed with a bottle of wine and an "im sorry for reacting [so] (insert your reaction here) last night" and meaning it, later tonight. Issue is, she has not texted you all day and you have not reached out either. You get home and things are off, you approach her and she is not as enthusiastic about having you around... its probably because you left the topic from last night hanging or maybe you expected a "sorry" from her and you didn't get it so you are bitter. Lets say that no one says anything that night and you both do your thing and go to bed (to avoid over-complicating things). The next morning you wake up, get ready for work and you think "I love her" but it was even harder today than it was yesterday. As you might see by now, because you confront your feelings about her so often you can say that by day 3 you should at least begin the process of solving the problem. Avoiding the issue, any issue, for more than 4 days leads a state of panic for me personally. I assume any of you who have had these kinds of mental wars with your spouse can agree that it feels like ages and is generally unpleasant.
Part of being a Husband, apart of what it means to me to be a husband (and head of the household) is being able to approach these problems at the cost of your manhood and pride. It is much better to yield some ground now (lets say its day 3) and mend the issue than to risk turning, what could have been a small problem, into a giant that neither of you will know how to face. I admit, this is the approach I use more often, however you have to be careful not to give in too much because more than anything, balance is the key. I like to make sure that my wants and needs are communicated as clearly as possible and seek ground given from her when it comes to the things that matter to me (for example. I like to play football Thursday nights and don't help with watching the little guy).
Confronting my problems with my wife has really allowed my relationship to be one in which I have few serious problems and there is some mutual understanding on how to keep the peace at home. I have to admit that having a reasonable person beside you helps and I am pretty lucky to have such an understanding partner. There is a lot I left out here, but I would love to address any questions or comments below!
About Being a Father:
UFFFF. This is a really new one. All I can say is its been a year and a half and I am just now starting to understand it. It's rough. My day has been work to home to work to home since I can remember. Changing diapers, taking walks, general attention given to give the wife an hour to breathe, its all part of maintaining the home. "Happy wife, happy life" now that's solidly true since she is probably the one on maternity... being a good Father is in large part linked to being a good Husband.
We are at the point where a lot of rules and theories about raising kids are buzzing in the air. One of my worst fears is being a bad dad. There is something raw in knowing that, if all is good and well, that little peace of meat will carry your legacy forward (no matter girl or boy). This is why I try to stay away from being over woke about parenting and so far it has been successful. I have no guarantee that reading a parenting book will be overly useful if it goes outside of just helping me understand the general theme of a certain age, so I don't read them often. My wife bought a guide to help us understand his sleep patterns, and that was very helpful. However, every child is different, every family is different in their relationship and situation so what may have worked specifically for someones family is not always for me. I very much like to feel a situation and react to it in a human (my) way than like a robot following a generic list of "if", "then" commands. My son loves me, we play together all the time, he calls for me and looks for me when I leave, he is smiling and a as good a kid a kid can be at one and a half. I am happy, he is happy and I think we mutually know that about one another.
Part of the way that I have achieved a positive relationship with my son so far has been through discipline. Not like the "give me 10 push-ups" kind but rather the discipline of being consistent with him about bed time, about no hitting, about not eating things off the floor and so on. In my experience discipline is not only healthy for a child but especially for little boys (other parents always say "ohhh girls are so much easier than boys") every time we have strayed from discipline we have had to bare the consequences of having a sour baby. Of course, balance is hey and my wife helps a lot in this regard, remember, balance is key. I catch myself being too strict sometimes and have to push myself to remember what it was like to be a kid and to give him his room to do stupid and sometimes destructive (towards our home furnishings and appliances) things. The best thing is when I call his name, and he knows he is being bad he will come out and give me that look that says "no, that wasn't me by the trash can where you told me not to be and im sorry that you caught me there again". Being a dad is about connecting with your children and giving them the security to explore, I genuinely feel this way and it has been and will continue to be my motto. Perhaps most important of all to being a good dad is to get along with the Ms. and showing them what a good man looks and fells and acts like (I assume it will come in handy when she is getting married or he has to come help me out with something).
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Please let me know what you think in the comments. As I said, I love to take care of my family the best way I can so sharing your stories and experiences will help me become a better Father and Husband. There is still a lot I would like to share with you so please make sure to leave your questions below to help me write about the things you care about.
Chao for now