Toxic Guilt and the Illusion of Safety

First let me say that @emancipatedhuman inspired me today with this post of his. If you aren't following him, please do so since his content has a lot of value!

Toxic Guilt vs Healthy Guilt

In the blog, he mentions guilt, and I have a lot to say about that subject, since guilt is a sort of "social currency", and is directly related to both #self-esteem, #self-image, and "approval tickets", another kind of #social #currency.

First of all, we have to understand that there are two types of guilt, one is a very valid feeling and we should listen to and act upon it. When we have intentionally harmed another, unless we have Anti-social Personality Disorder, we feel guilt. And we should listen to the guilt we feel for hurting another person, as it is very important to try to set things right when you have wronged another.

Regardless of this, you like many other people feel guilt in inappropriate situations, where the guilt comes from self-judgements where you feel that you have done something wrong when there is actually no wrong doing!

This is where guilt becomes a social currency, because this insidiously designed #social #engineering tool is learned from a very young age from authority figures. They use it as a way to manipulate us, in an attempt to modify behavior to their standards and to make us do as we are told. Rather than use reason, or highlight their behavior in a way that shows them the advantage of modifying it to a more helpful and/or socially acceptable standard, we use guilt particularly in children to transform them into "model citizens".

There are a thousand things in this world that we are made to feel guilty for, and I'll just list the big ones:

• Our sexuality. Not just sexual preference here folks, as that's one of the things in the huge sea of #identity #politics floating around these days. I am speaking of shame when it comes to our bodies, and shame from the pleasures of our bodies.

• On a similar note, physical pleasure in general is typically a trigger for shame, especially in children simply expressing themselves with their bodies. Children who wriggle in classroom seats, who have a hard time paying attention because they are bursting with energy and creativity, who only wish to express themselves physically are often shamed (and consequently drugged) for that behavior. And they steadily learn that to take pleasure from physical activity is as shameful as sex!

• Shameful body image. If we're not pretty or handsome enough, our skin isn't the right color, etc etc. Need I further explain what this guilt is? :)

• Guilt for being wrong. This is perhaps the second biggest guilt behind anything relating to our bodies is the guilt we feel when we are accused of being wrong about something - anything! This is accompanied by a feeling of worthlessness. A subset of this guilt is feeling guilty about the need to ask for help (this is a personal struggle of mine!)

• Guilt for being good at something. This one confounds me! I suppose whoever feels guilty about such a thing has been around some pretty negative people in their life who have dogged them for excelling. Which is really sad when you think about it.

Okay, I've highlighted just a few of the reasons that people feel guilty, out of literally millions of reasons why... soo....

Where does toxic guilt actually come from?

Deep down, we are all wounded in some way, and our wounds cause guilt. The wounded part of you wants to feel safe and secure in the notion that, in some magical way, our guilt can actually control how other people feel and think about us. It is a self-regulation of our behavior, and a lot of this self-regulation is to our own detriment, since it never actually heals the wounds that cause guilt in the first place!

This belief in control gives you an illusion of safety. You do not want to know that you really do not have control over such things as other people's feelings or opinions of you! You do not want to realize that you do not pull the strings on other people's feelings and behavior! That is 100% on them, unless of course you have intentionally harmed them. We all know when we are intentionally hurting someone - as such it is very important to not let others guilt trip you into thinking otherwise when you know you are innocent!

So What Can You Do About Guilt?

Whenever you feel guilty, stop to observe how you are thinking in that moment. Toxic guilt isn't good for you. It afflicts your self-esteem, ruins your health, and enhances all our fears. So when you're feeling guilty, ask yourself a series of questions:

• Are you feeling that way because you genuinely feel bad for hurting someone, or is there a self-judgement running on autopilot in the background?
• Look at the relationships between yourself and the authority figures in your life, past and present. How did you feel around them?
• What did they say to you and did you believe it?
• How did what they said to you make you feel?

Other tips:

• Observe your guilt and ask yourself where it's coming from.
• Keep a journal of all the times you feel guilty. It will help you recognize them later and enforce the habit.
• Let go of the false belief that you can control how others think, feel, and behave.
• Let go of self-judgements to control your own behavior. They aren't yours, remember? Release them, since you do not really own them!

With practice, you can slowly eliminate your toxic guilt! Don't feel bad or guilty for not going "fast enough", because that's another type of guilt you have rattling around in that mind of yours. Be soft to yourself, take it easy, and in small steps. Remember that this can be a life time of work.

Good luck on your journey, I'm rooting for you!

The truth does not abide by my wishes. The #truth simply is.

I'm Sara. I'm an unlabeled spirit having a human experience. I found my way into anarchy/voluntaryism since some of the concepts resonate with my understanding of The Principle of Ahimsa. I also encourage individual liberty by self-discovery. If you find my blog posts useful, please join a Facebook group I created: Philosophy, Spirituality and Liberty. Namaste!