Why I want to talk about this

There are several topics that I feel are not talked about enough in our society, and often the silence causes more pain and hardship for those who are already suffering. So I thought I could write a little series, starting with the topic of grief which I have been touched by in the past year. I don’t know yet how many topics I will cover in coming posts but the aim will always be to reduce pain and improve the well-being of fellow humans.

The intention to share my thoughts about grief has grown in my mind over many months before I discovered steemit and I’m glad to finally have a platform that feels right for it. I still wasn’t confident at the beginning because the topic is so big and important that I felt it had to be done exactly right. So I held off. But yesterday, I came across this post by @erodedthoughts. I was drawn to it by its title because the words “car crash” send shock waves through my system every time I see or hear them.

Although I didn’t like the sound of that title, I wanted to see what was behind it, and I was rewarded with an insightful, personal and beautifully written post about loss and grief. It inspired me to do some sharing of my own, even if it’s just a compilation of rambling thoughts rather than a systematic, ordered account of events. Words never come easy in such situations but it may be a bit less hard for me because I was not the one who had to endure a tragic personal loss. It was two families/friends who, within just a few months, lost a child (young adults), one to illness, the other in a tragic accident. I still often catch myself in moments of disbelief. How could this happen to not only one but two of our friends?

I suddenly found myself in the role of a support person witnessing unimaginable pain. I was unprepared and completely clueless, made worse by the fact that my own children were affected as well. Maybe I did a few things right by instinct but many more times I just wished I knew better what to do or say to ease that pain, at least a little. This is not their story as that is not my place to tell. Privacy, trust and confidentiality are important to me and to them. So this is only my story, the story of a support person who wishes she’d done some learning before it was needed. It is a story aiming to help people think about and talk about extreme grief so they can deal with it better should they ever have to.

What makes it so hard?

Death is a normal part of life. Everyone ever born will at some point come to the end of their time on Earth and join those who have already left. We love talking about other important occasions such as the birth of a baby, weddings, milestones etc. but we very rarely hear people talk about grief and dying. It may be a little easier when an old person dies as we can say things like “They had a good run” or “They are finally free of pain” or “They’ve been ready for a while”. Rational things that make good sense and can potentially be comforting for those left behind. However, when it comes to out-of-order deaths, the deaths that shouldn’t happen, we are mostly lost for words.

Of course, we all read and hear stories of people losing children or other loved ones in the most unimaginable ways, but deep down we all like to think that it 'only happens to others'. We are reluctant to put ourselves in their shoes or truly imagine how they feel, and we rarely allow ourselves to truly ponder such dark realms. This would be too unsettling and uncomfortable so we avoid going there. I could still tell myself that it only happens to others because it’s true, it hasn’t happened to me. But, of course, I am constantly reminded that for my friends it will never be true again. And if they can’t think like this anymore, neither can I.

It is understandable to a degree that people avoid uncomfortable thoughts or conversations, especially if combined with fears such as making a grieving person even more sad, or not knowing what to do with potential emotions that may come to the fore. It is true, it is not easy to feel so much. I have felt a whole range of emotions in this past year that I didn’t know existed, and I have felt them more intensely than I thought I was capable. This is scary stuff and I don’t blame anyone for trying to avoid it.

Similarly, the grieving person doesn’t bring the topic up because there is never a good moment for it, they may not want to dampen the mood, and they fear that people stay away if they do. However, keeping it in is exhausting. Pretending you’re ok when you’re not is exhausting. Talking about trivialities when your mind, heart and soul are exploding with pain is exhausting. This is one reason why grieving people often become isolated. They just don’t have the energy to deal with other people, or even to ask for help, so they muddle along on their own.

How can we do better?

I don’t claim to have all the answers but the notion of 'anything is better than nothing' is a good start if unsure. Even just a few words to show your sympathy and acknowledge what has happened can make a huge difference.

Much of what I have learned over the past year comes from a single book that I discovered somewhere along the way. When I read the blurb, I breathed a sigh of relief and knew instantly that this was finally something that would help me as the support person, as well as my grieving friends. The author of the book is Megan Devine and the title is It's Ok That You're Not Ok: Meeting Grief and Loss in a Culture That Doesn't Understand (2017).

I bought the Kindle version first and read it, then ordered some hard copies to give to my friends and a few other people. I am sharing this with you because this book not only helped me immensely, but one of my friends told me that this was the best book she has read as it made her feel like someone actually understands what she is going through and is not afraid to describe it exactly as it is. No sugar-coating, no false promises that everything is going to be ok when it just doesn't feel like it ever could.

Here are some helpful insights from the book:

Past theories and psychological models of the grieving process and grief counselling are all wrong. The notion that grief is something abnormal that one will move through in stages and come out all better at the other end is wrong.

Grief is normal in whatever form it comes. It doesn’t have to be fixed, it won’t be fixed.

The pain will never go away, but there are ways to carry it a little easier.

It’s the love that makes it painful. Where there’s love there is pain. The love remains and so the pain remains. The grieving person can learn to live inside the love.

At the very beginning, provide practical support such as bringing food around. You can just do things you see need doing. If you ask what you can do, they won’t always have the energy to think about it.

Everyone should be allowed to grief in their own way and take whatever time they need. Don’t try to rush the process or judge people for taking longer than you think is appropriate.

Don’t judge any grieving person for ANYTHING they do or don’t do.

Don’t ever say things like “Everything happens for a reason” (the book has an amazing array of things people say that are completely unhelpful)

Instead tell them something along the lines that you know they’re in pain and you’re sorry this has happened. Affirm for them how wrong and crazy it is that this happened and that you know there’s nothing you can say to make it better.

But be there anyway and let them know you’re not going away, and they’re not alone.

If they are anxious, help them relax.

The book has a section for the grieving person and a section for those who support them. Personally, I wish I had read this book at any point in my life when I had no need to apply any of it. Had I done that, I would have been better prepared for the first few weeks which were the hardest with regard to feeling insecure about what to do. But even now, a year later, I often stop and think about what I say to make sure it is not inconsiderate. We can't always succeed and I'm sure those who make a genuine effort to help will be forgiven the occasional mishap, but it's important to keep trying our best.

Ideally, I wish everyone could die of old-age and just peacefully go to sleep surrounded by family. Unfortunately, that is often not the reality. Many of you may already have experienced a more cruel and brutal loss of someone they loved and I feel for all of you. I have no idea if this is any help to anyone who has experienced extreme grief, but I do hope it may be of assistance to some who may be confronted by it in the future.

Peace and love to all

Many thanks to @welcomewagon and @dreemsteem for all their help!

Images all from pixabay.com