Hellebore
Some nights, your absence rises from the bed and wakes me up. I'm dead tired but there are vacuities and sadness right now that won't allow me to have my rest.
I don't blame you for going but I regret the fact that I can never follow you. This is death. Irreconcilable and excruciatingly painful. I doubt if anyone can ever genuinely move on after each incident.
It's Christmas again. A bland, empty celebration that I have to endure without you in it. Then comes new year. Then, twenty five days after that will mark the day I lost you for breast cancer.
Perhaps I will sleep through it all, like I always do. The carols, the lights, the fireworks, the feast. They have all ceased making meanings. Despite my writing skills I can't even compose and give you a proper eulogy and I am so sorry for that.
Thing is, I don't want to talk about you because it makes everything final. I don't want anyone recounting your memories either because they do it in past tense.
Almost thirteen years. It's still painful. And I am still counting.
Happy holidays, wherever you are. I love you in the most human and profound way that I can mean.
There's never really a good comment for these situations but I hope that one day maybe your sorrow eases and you can learn to celebrate again. I'm sorry for your loss.
you may have two choices :
1/ live with a sad heart, missing you beloved every minute and pass the rest of your life in shadows and pains. Your beloved one would not wish that, I imagine, and she is emprisonned with your sorrow, not able to spred her angel wings and fly.
2/ live with a full heart, joyful and happy, with your beloved one melted in your cells : So, as long as you live, then she will live in you. Not appart as when you had two bodies... There is one body for you AND her, how more close could you be to her ? Feel this love and happiness and let it out, like a sun lets out its rays. Walkd in the light and be light in heart. Then, your beloved one would be able to spread wide out her wings and fly : be the angel she meant to be. Let her free from your sufferings, sufferings which are only a mental construction.
Wish you a peaceful and happy holidays, wherever you are... be in your happy heart.
cheers