Today I'm grateful for waiters who know their role

Some waiters take the piss. Seriously. They amble over to your table like Snoop Dogg, take a seat next to you and proceed to act like a randy teen trying to get to second base at the local drive-in. No one enters my airspace without confirming with the air traffic controller first, which is me. I’m the air traffic controller. And no-one touches my special area!

I don’t mind if waiters want to take my order without a notepad, if it helps them feel like they’re the Leo DiCaprio of the waiting world who am I to stop them. Nothing’s cooler than memorising things! But, if I see you even thinking about coming back to confirm my order, there’ll be trouble. And by trouble I mean I’ll repeat my order with no discernible hint of malice.

However, if you happen to bring me a plate without those extra mushrooms I asked for I’ll give you one of those sharp, pursed lips Thank Yous I usually reserve for someone who hands me a broom and tells me I can “start in the attic”. And I probably won’t be back. Unless you’re attractive or you gave me a look that could be interpreted in a number of ways.

I’m grateful for waiters who know their role because it shows there’s still some empathy in the world. Not from me though, I have no empathy for waiters who have no empathy.