THE RECKLESS WAVE

I was raised by my Grandma
In a little village east of my country.
We were close and understands each other
But I left to the city and joined by Mum after my high school.
I still visit from time to time, mainly during Christmas
But as times goes by we spoke less often
Something I regretted today.

I never thought of her leaving us so soon
I’m used to her being around that I forgot little things matters.
Though I do send money across once in a while
And one of my Aunt was around to take care of her.

She doesn’t like living in the city
In short whenever she goes to the city
She always finds a reason to go back to the village.

I live in Overseas Now
And the last time I saw her was in Oct 2013.
She prayed and blessed me
Then when I traveled back
I called less. I really don’t know why,
Things are hard I know
But I never think of anything happening to her
Even when she was sick. I still send money across
She is a strong woman and always get well.

My REGRET was that,
I traveled back to my country last year
I was in a rush and didn't find time to travel to the village to see her.
I spoke to her over the phone.
She even told me that her time is almost near
But I dismissed her concern
For some reasons I never thought of her leaving so soon.

I was told this December that she was sick
But I thought it’s a normal old people illness.

I got a call yesterday that was seriously ill and requested to speak to me.
I called my Aunt immediately and she was crying
I told her to hand over the phone to Grandma
She was so sick that she couldn’t speak
I heard her MOANING, CRYING and unable to speak
I knew straight away that the end is near.
I told them to take her to the hospital
But she said No.
It was around 11 PM-midnight there
And for me 5 AM,
In short, I was on the way heading to the office then
When I arrived, my heart was bleeding
I talked to my boss and left after 3 hours.

An hour after I arrived home
I got a call that she has PASSED.

I have cried for hours
But I can’t get the sound of her moaning cry out of my head.
I look at her picture every minute.

I blamed myself for this.
Maybe, I should have done something
… I don’t know what but something to stop her from dying.

I haven’t made money yet,
.. I failed to do that before she died
I failed to give her a good taste of life
I failed to spoil her with things .. I don’t know.

Now I’m so sad and disappointed with myself.
I can’t even fly back home for the burial
Flight ticket alone is enormous
Not to talk of the burial expenses.
I'm broke this new year
And that breaks my heart.

I failed myself and her.
And now I will never see her again.
Who get to make decision on who dies anyways?

So I wrote this with Tears