GIRL or BOY: This is me, and that's OK

If you're reading this, keep an open mind. I'm sharing this part of my life with you because I wish someone had shared a similar story with me while I was growing up and questioning everything.

You don't know me... but I'm a girl... and I've been told I dress/look like a boy.

This is me at 6. Oversized shirt and shorts that were probably my older brother's. I'm playing video games and I'm obviously unimpressed about being told to look at the camera. At age 6, I knew I didn't fit. I didn't fit in with the girls at school. I hated being put in a dress and panty hose. I didn't fit in to society's norms about how a little girl should act. And it was the first time someone thought I was a boy. It wouldn't be the last.

Here's me at 9 years old. Still playing video games. Still getting my clothing from the "boys" section at Sears. Still buying Sega shoes from the "Boys" section at Payless Shoes. My best friends are Colin and Daniel. After school, I play with Ankit and Tommy. I'm still getting mistaken for a boy. I never questioned my gender. I never questioned my sexuality. I just knew I was different.

Fast forward to me at 12. I have stopped growing UPWARD but am growing OUT. I'm filling out into this new body and I'm uncomfortable. I've come to accept the term "Tom Boy" as I didn't see it as an insult. If anything, I wore it like armor. A way for people to know "You don't fuck with me, I can hold my own". At 12, I'm looking into highschools to attend the following year and I hear my parents state "You're going to an all girl school with uniforms." My nightmare. Not only was I being forced to attend a school where my best friend Tomas couldn't go, but I was going to be forced to wear a kilt for the next 4 years. Still, I never questioned my gender. Never questioned my feelings toward both guys and gals. Never questioned, just accepted. This was me, and I wasn't changing.

Only 2 years later, age 14, and I'm still wearing Star Wars shirts. I'm still wearing baggy pants. And I'm still buying my shoes from the "boys" section at Payless Shoes. I spend too much time and money buying ridiculous things from Spence's Gifts. I have a boyfriend, and I've made a couple of gal-pals at school. While out with my boyfriend, we'd get mistaken for a gay couple. He didn't care, and neither would the other guys I'd date after him. I didn't have to look like a girl for these straight guys to like me. At 15 I had my first girlfriend. The fact that I looked like a boy didn't bother this full-out lesbian. Like the guys I dated, I didn't have to change who I was for them to find me attractive.

Jump ahead to me in my 20's, and I still haven't changed. I'm still going through what my family called "a phase". I'm still wearing shoes from the "Mens" section at Payless Shoes. I still play video games regularly. Except now, instead of getting called a Tom Boy, I'm being called a lesbian. I never questioned my sexual identity. To me, it was and still is, about what is inside that counts. Gender was obsolete. I learned the term "Pan Sexual". Its not Bi-Sexual. I haven't "chosen a side." I've chosen ALL sides. I'm not offended by the term, but I make it clear to others that its not what I am. I am Pan.

At 23, I marry a man I had been with for 3 years. I wear a gown, but wear running shoes (from Payless) throughout the whole thing. It was a small event, strictly family. (Except for good ol' Tomas, who had been my best friend since my "Tom Boy" days) This was the "girliest" day of my life. My family was proud. As soon as the whole thing was over, I put on a baggy Star Wars shirt and my Man-U shorts. Our wedding night was spent playing video games in the Games Room of the hotel we were booked at. My best friend Tomas met us there with freshly rolled joints to celebrate with us properly. I spent my wedding night the same way I spent my teen years: Stoned and Playing Counter Strike.

I'm now 32. In the last few years, I've embraced dressing like "a girl". (Though I still get mistaken for an Asian male from time to time) I've learned to apply makeup. I've bought a few dresses to wear to weddings. I wear flats and have even learned to like high heels (though wearing them is another issue). I still play video games. I still love Star Wars. I'm currently wearing high-tops I bought in the "mens" section at Payless. I'd still rather wear my husband's jeans than my own (have you seen the pockets in womens' jeans? Its just a slit.) We've been married for 10 years and whenever I feel like making myself look like "a regular girl", I can literally hear my husband's breath escaping him. He loves it. But I know he loves me regardless. I know that in another 10 years, I can still take his breath away by applying eyeliner. Maybe by then I'd have learned to walk in heels.

If I could go back in time and talk to my parents in 1990, I'd say "Leave her alone, she'll be fine."

If I could go back in time and talk to MYSELF in 1990, I'd say "Keep this up, protect your heart, and don't let people try to change who you are... can I watch Ninja Turtles with you?"