A question of honor. Staying underground vs. Coming out
In the previous article, I said that the first gay bar I ever visited was in Helsinki.🐻 And that was because I spend my early years in Kazakhstan and Russia. There was simply no gay bar in the city where I lived in Kazakhstan. And Russia is known for "special" treatment of gay people.
For people who were raised in understanding and loving families, tolerant and open communities it might be unusual to hear and know that gay people stay underground in many countries of the world. And here is an explanation why...
People in the screenshot above are scared. This video was taken on 7th of April 2010 in the gay club "Palau", Yekaterinburg. There was no party in traditional understanding, "Palau" just provided a space for Anti-homophobia Week events like discussions, film screenings, and lectures. Discussion on 7th of April was interrupted by 10 to 15 men in balaclavas who entered the space screaming "death to faggots". Then they threw tear gas bombs and luckily run away. No one was beaten. Because of the panic and only one exit from the basement (the club was located in a basement) we all were poisoned by gas. Police didn't come and never investigated this case.
Even though it was a very unlucky event, I felt VERY LUCKY that day. I was not beaten, I came back home in one piece, the only unpleasant reminding was red eyes and sore throat.
Soon after Russian Duma implemented famous "gay propaganda law". And everything became even more complicated. Lots of friends left the country. And I can't say that they are happy in immigration. Most of us want to go back home and simply can't. Those ones who stayed, live underground hiding.
Russian gay scene changed a lot during this years. And now in order to enter a club, you really need to know its location which is given from friend to friend inside the community.
No logo, no party invitation. Locations are really hidden, always with thick metal doors and intercom.
At the entrance, you will be checked by security guys.
Such a clubs always small and you see the same people as a community is very closed.
For me such an isolation and underground survival inevitably connected with extinction or degradation. From the other side, I absolutely understand why it is what it is. And this question is something that bothers me for a long time, if I did right moving to another country, simply giving up. Did we all do better behaving this way? What is better staying underground and hiding or exposing yourself to a danger and fighting for your rights? I don't have an answer.
P.S. I intentionally chose very blurry pictures, so the faces of people would not be recognizable.
I couldn't imagine how hard it must be in other countries to hide your sexuality completely underground and never have any form of expression in your day to day life. I do not live outwardly "gay" (I'm Panromantic Demisexual) like some of my friends, but I even worry that I will be seen differently and treated differently if people knew I weren't "straight". Even in America it is more widely accepted, but hearing how violent some people are about how you present yourself makes me still feel like its not worth making it known to others who aren't very close. You are brave to write out about it and show other people the suffering and dangers that you face in a country much stricter than many think it really is.
I'm shocked.. I knew/guessed you have experienced something like this and certainly knew these things are true and happening right now in some parts of the world, but still -it's so sad, depressive and frustrating to hear these kind of stories. I must admit this makes me dislike Russia. I'm not sure if I even want to travel there, although I was aware how lgbt+ people might be treated there and how narrow-minded the atmosphere in there is.
The question you are thinking -whether it was the right thing to move away or not, is a complex. In a way it's the most natural reaction to escape from that kind of place to feel free and live happily as you are, but it's true, that at the same time you might feel like giving up. I think that above all, the most important thing is, that you feel safe and happy and if that's possible only if you move away, then that's what you gotta do. You can fight for your rights and try to make the world better place from someplace else, so that you don't have to feel constantly threatened.
@machamp @meandyou it's been long time ago, I am ok now guys but thank you