Pasado de Futuro si

Music link: https://drive.google.com/file/d/1p2326POANxL5FOKhRmx_2hVYEBiT7PcM/view?usp=drivesdk

April 4, 2058

It’s morning again. But a different one. I stood up my bed slowly, holding my back with bones already wear out by time. It’s a different morning I say because now I turn the 1st page of the 1st decade of my golden yrs. I grab my cane and make my way to the garden. I watch the sun happily rising at the sky while illuminating the sweet blossoms of the roses and tulips I planted in this garden. There are dews in them created by the rain last night, wetting the soil and the little stones in it. I took a deep breath. Everything was quite except for the chirping of birds in the cage. I closed my eyes and felt the coldness of the morning breeze. This day was young and cheerful but I’m a sunset with just a little more light left, like a leaf already dried but still clinging on a tiny tree branch waiting for a strong wind to carry me out. I sat down on my favorite chair while watching the butterflies fly from flower to flower. I came to a question for myself. “Have I lived to the fullest?” I don’t know. “Do I have regrets?” my heart ached for that one. “Am I happy now?” “Contented?” the past started to linger in my mind..
Year 2018. That year, I’ve promised myself that I won’t do now decisions that I will regret. I’ll be a mature person knowing what to prioritize. I won’t be crying anymore over regrets. I’d be happy and contented on whatever life can offer that I can acquire...words like “I will” “I won’t” “I would” were very easy to say.. to promise..but in reality these are the words that can kill. Failed promises to others kill their trust. Failed promises to love ones kill relationships. Failed promises to yourself can kill your personality. I killed who I am in really. I tended to live in accordance to what seems to be the easy one, but end up like there is no easy path. I’m already away when I realized I’m already lost. I once love. I once been loved. I once laughed out loud like no more another day. I once valued every little things and experiences. I was once a little child without any problems. I was once a girl who thought she knew and already understand everything in life. I was once that friend who give the best advice over any problems. I was once that best student who’s the only one to past the exam. I was once that sister who’s willing to sacrifice everything for siblings. I was once that daughter with no other dream than to fulfill her parent’s dreams. I was once that person who seems to be perfect on everything. I was once that person who do not need others’ special attention to be happy. I help them be happy. I was once that person always ready to give a hand to whoever needy. But life don’t happen in all at once. As my life changed with my age, things I was once, slowly faded in the background. They got changed by bitter realities of adulthood. Life is never easy and a person sometimes doesn’t always have many choices to pick. Life in reality doesn’t always get on with principles. It’s tough most of the time. Test you up to where you can hold what you are fighting for. But the secret is at the end. Those who are able to grip what they believe will last forever in satisfaction that they had made something that most failed to. They were able to grip their dignity and they are now reaping it. Sometimes even how hard life would seem, the secret is you should keep on fighting. If you had a principle and knowledge of good and bad, be guided by it. Sometimes it is always impossible to be able to see the end of the road until you get there. You can just have faith that all will have a fruit at the end.
For me? I can only say maybe if I just become stronger before on holding to what I really wanted.. and did not been easily moved.. if I only grip on what I think is my limitation, I would have lived a more fulfilling life. If only I drove the pen of my story, maybe I ended up now to what ending I wanted. If only I had the courage to swallow my pride, I could have changed how things move. If only I can trust myself with my decisions, life might have been happier. If only I can go back the past, I will..but maybe that isn’t necessary anymore. People tend to repeat mistakes over and over again. What’s the use of going back.

I sigh. I slowly opened my eyes. This was the clear reality. I was still breathing and some things can still be fixed. If I move now at least, I’ll die with more contentment in my heart. I think again. After all these years, I haven’t changed this habit. I can’t agree to myself all at once. I close again my eyes and think of what I can do now. Maybe I should let the past be the past. I should stop feeling sorry for yesterday. As the last leaf of my life hasn’t still fallen, and as the sunset of my days hasn’t still lost all of its glory..I still have time. Up to when? I don’t know. My only hope for now is that I would still last a little longer. I need to fix what should be fix. Maybe its already late, but better late than never. But, I don’t have courage. I always don’t have that ever since. Would I fail myself again? Would I waste this last chance I have? Maybe I was really made to end up this way. Isn’t me who was the one holding the pen of my life? Why would I allow me to end up down? Can’t I lift myself up? For the last time? I sigh. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath...

That was the very last time I was able to do that.

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