We all know that political correctness needs to die. For your sake, this post has not been labeled with a NSFW tag. I encourage you to view this at work — and to risk everything doing so. Don't forget to upvote and follow me before being escorted away by the building's security.

I've been drinking a lot of red wine and eating a lot of cheese lately. . . because I'm getting older I need it for my bones. One day I was in the candy aisle, I'm a 30-year-old in the candy aisle and I'm power browsing back and forth like a candy shark, and then this 40-something-year-old waltzes over and grabs a bag of candy, he shoots me a quick look of shame before speed walking away. He walked away so fast he experienced exercise.

It dawned on me as I could hear the man breathing heavily; this candy shit is bad for me. I should be eating cheese and drinking wine. I should be gaining weight with style; not with blistering speed.

So I bought some cheese from Quebec called OKA and it was rad, and I grabbed a Merlot from Ontario and some permutation of a Carménère from Chile and peaced out. In Ontario buying wine is a horrible experience no matter where you go because our government is specialized in socialism. Not only do I know nothing about wine, I am buying wine from the worst place on the planet, and I'm tasting and writing this article while completely hammered and high on cannabis. This review is designed to make you realize that wine and cheese are way better than candy and soda, trust me!

I took pictures of both wines, but they are almost identical. It would be pointless to post both, like some stupid Xbox Vs. PS4 comparison video. We are too sophisticated for that, as long as the wine is red and not pink, we pound it. Wine should always be pounded, never sipped nor dabbled.

Basically here is the real wisdom in this post. Always buy at least two wines at once, different styles of red. This way you can get drunker and taste the difference side by side. I recommend cheese with wine because cheese is really good; chips and candy are for the non-Steemian class.

If you find one of the wines you bought tastes repugnantly, simply drink the preferable bottle of wine first in record time, and then slowly turn your attention to the second bottle of wine. The first bottle of wine will warm your body up for the second bottle, making it taste better. I invented this trick, it's called lubin' up.

Come dance with me Steeemit. I love youuu!

If you're looking for a good pairing with red wine, I recommend dill pickle peanuts. Follow @zastels for more expert advice