What the news might be like without the use of deceptive euphemisms.  

Male Presstitute:  Good evening, passive followers, this is a half hour mind and emotion manipulation program sponsored by the corporatocracy.  I’m an overpaid teleprompter reader with an authoritative voice.     

Female Presstitute:  And I’m the comforting female figure with some added sex appeal, who also reads a teleprompter.    

Male Presstitute:  In our lead story, psychopathic authoritarians in fancy suits called politicians celebrated the passing of the world’s one trillionth anti-freedom regulation.  The official extortion-funded party to honor this Satanic milestone took place at a super-fancy hotel that most wage slaves could never dream of affording, and consisted of 2 different 10 course meals, gladhanding, back-slapping, and countless numbers of fake smiles.  There were also some rumors of an immoral and sinister after party at pedophile and former congress critter criminal Dennis Hastert's underground lair, but this could be neither confirmed nor denied.

One egocentric moral relativist in attendance did issue a statement of caution, however, stating that, “We’ve reached a point where it’s more and more difficult every day to come up with new ways to violate people’s rights and enslave them, and one day, we might run out of creative ways to control people.”   

Another psychopath attending the anti-freedom bash said that, in the near future, “A new extortion-funded A.I. program will be used to invent ridiculously dark anti-freedom legislation that our army of lawyers might have otherwise missed.  This will be another key step towards the cybernetic, transhumanist slave state that the dark occult rulers of this world have long been seeking.” 

It could neither be confirmed nor denied if this psychopath has any investments in A.I. tech companies with government mob contracts.  

Female Presstitute:  In other news, it was revealed today that a uniformed rights-violator with a badge will not face any earthly consequences for the murder of an unarmed individual.  A snooty, narcissistic, cowardly spokesperson for the government cult said that the rights-violator would not be punished because, quote, “We have to protect uniformed order-followers in order to uphold the immoral, illegitimate system that I'm conditioned to be dependent on.   If you think that he should be punished for his crime, then you obviously hate safety and freedom.”   

Male Presstitute:  We’ll now take a break for a quick psychological manipulation from one of our oligarch-owned corporate sponsors.    

Cheesy Exaggerated Salesman Voice:  Are you hungry? Lazy? Addicted to weaponized fake food? Maybe you work too many hours at your wage slave job to have time for a decent meal? Or maybe you’re just tired of trying to be healthy?

Then it’s time you called 

McCloggers! 

That’s right, the most popular fake food chain on the planet, with untold billions served (and clogged!) now DELIVERS!!!

Call 1-911-CLOG-NOW and get a free hormone and chemical laced milkshake! Made from real tortured cow’s milk! Delivered to your door! Tell us where the spare key is to your house, and we’ll even bring it all the way into the couch so you don’t have to move!

Try our new almost-meat quadruple-decker burger on a glutenous chemical bun! Add crispy reconstituted mystery meat strips for only one extra violence-backed fraud note! 

And don’t forget a bucket of GMO frankenfries from our friends at Monsatan!
 

Call McCloggers at 1-911-CLOG-NOW and start McCloggin your heart TODAY!!!!

Male Presstitute:  Welcome back.  An inventor was found dead this morning in her apartment.  The inventor had recently exhibited a free energy device on the internet. She suffered 10 gunshot wounds to the head and black ops agents posing as investigators immediately ruled it a suicide.     

Shortly after her death, swarms of order-following goons with badges invaded her home and her laboratory and stole absolutely everything in sight, including all of her research data.  An extortion-funded spokesman for the goon squad said that all of the inventor’s research data would be thrown into an underground dungeon and locked away from humanity for as long as the oligarch families that monopolize energy resources deem necessary.  

The evil spokesman also said that anyone who thinks the inventor didn’t commit suicide by shooting herself in the head 10 times is a technophobe, freedom hating, terrorist, conspiracy nut.    

In a related story, conventional energy stocks soared today.    

Female Presstitute:  A new so-called reality show that’s used as a covert method of manipulation on humanity will premier tomorrow on S.E. Network.  The show, “People On The Couch”, will follow a ruined pseudo-family that stays on the couch as much as possible.  

The director of the new series said that it will follow the melodramatic tribulations of passive spectators,, as they desperately attempt to set new standards for laziness, egocentric attitudes, uncaring behavior, and ignorance.  The director also stated with a tone of excessive arrogance that, quote, “My hope is that enough people will passively accept the weaponized messages contained in this programming and unconsciously integrate them into their own behavior patterns, so that I’ll get more piles of cash from my dark occult masters, which will enable me to live a ridiculously lavish lifestyle for decades to come.” 

Male Presstitute:  That’s all of the absurd social engineering propaganda we’re going to bombard your brain with tonight. Stay tuned for covert propaganda via sitcoms and dramas.  Goodnight.    

Thanks for your time and attention!

Just say "NO" to slavery!

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