The Perfect Dump

Every once in a while, each of us experiences a perfect dump, it's rare, but a thing of beauty in all respects. You sit down expecting the worst, but what you get is a smooth sliding, fartless masterpiece that breaks the water with the splashless grace of an expert diver. But that's not the end of it. You use some toilet tissue only to find that it was totally unnecessary. It makes you feel that all is right with the world and you are in perfect harmony with it.

The Beer Dump

Talk about nasty dumps. Depending on the dumper's tolerance, the beer dump is the end result of too many beers. it could have been 2 or 22, it doesn't matter. What you get is a sinister, lengthy, noisy dump accompanied by a malevolent fog that could close a bathroom for days.

The Chili Dump

Hot when it goes in, and rocket fuel when it leaves. The chili dump stays with you all day, making your tush feel like a heat shield.

The Cable Dump

Long, curly and perfectly formed like 2 feet of E13 telephone CO-axial cable. It loops lazily around the bowl, like a friendly serpent. You wonder admiringly, "DID I DO THAT? Where did it come from?" you leave the bathroom pleased with yourself.

The Latrine Dump

In case you didn't know, a latrine is a hole in the ground with a tent around it where soldiers, boy scouts and flies go to dump. Tip: Don't ever, ever look in the hole.

The Mona Lisa Dump

This is the masterpiece of dumps. It's as perfectly formed as it can be. Delicate and slender with intricacies that would make da Vinci weep. And just think, you made it yourself. You may even want to break out the Polaroid, but maybe that's going a bit too far.

The Empty Roll Dump

You're done...you reach for the toilet paper only to discover that empty cardboard cylinder. A mild panic begins coldly in your throat. You could use the curtains...no, someone would say "Where are the curtains?" Then what would you say? The rug?...too cumbersome. Then you must come to the same conclusion that every "empty roll dumper" must face...Pull up your slacks, tighten your tush and wriggle yourself to the nearest full roll.

The Splash Back Dump

You send the dump on its way, it drops like a depth charge into the bowl creating a column of cold bowl water that washes your bottom with a startlingly unpleasant shock. Now you're wet and embarrassed.
Tip: Blot instead of wiping.

The Aborted Dump

You are in mid-dump when the phone rings. What do you do? ABORT! Pinch it off, go for the phone, and save the rest for later. It isn't pretty, but you've gotta do what you gotta do

The Caesarian Dump

Pain, that's what this dump and childbirth have in common. Its simply a case of too much dump trying to go through too small a hole, and there's no obstetrician to help.

The Alfresco Dump

Everyone has had to go outdoors from time to time. This can be a rather pleasant experience really. The open air, the nature, and a good bush all contribute to the peaceful ambiance that our primitive forefathers must have enjoyed. What can screw up this harmonious interlude is a troop of brownies or a patch of poison ivy.

The Childbirth Dump

This is a dump that is simply too big to go through the aperture provided by nature for the purpose. You sit there, thinking over your dilemma. First it hurts, and it isn't going to get any better. You wonder if you'll ever see your loved ones again. You imagine the newspaper headlines screaming "Man dies trying to hatch monster loaf". You realize you'll have to resolve the crisis before you can leave the bathroom. Basically there are only three things you can do:

1. Scream
2. Call an Obstetrician
3. Hope like hell have enough Vaseline to get you through it.

The Tijuana Trot Dump

The phrase "Sh*t Happens" really applies here in a big way. When the ice in your tainted margarita makes contact with your lower intestinal tract, the fun begins. For the next 72 hours you'd be better off if you carried your own portable toilet with you because you will spend most of that time on the pot and the rest of the time in a fetal position. Now you realize why Mexico never had a navy.

The Machine Gun Dump

You're just sitting there in a state of sublime peace when all of a sudden you emit a group of noisy gassy bursts that break the silence like machine gun fire. The guy in the next stall hits the floor like a combat veteran cradling his umbrella like an M16...damn commies.

The Sound Effect Dump

You feel a noisy one coming on. Relatives, friends or work mates are within earshot, so you must employ some clever techniques to cover the disgusting sounds you are about to emit. Timing is obviously very important here. At the precise moment of release, try the following sound effects:

1. Flush the toilet
2. Sing the first two stanzas of your national anthem
3. Drop a handful of quarters on the floor

THE GHOST SHIT

The kind where you feel shit come out, see shit on the toilet paper, but there's no shit in the bowl.

THE CLEAN SHIT

The kind where you feel shit come out, see shit in the bowl, but there's no shit on the toilet paper.

THE WET SHIT

You wipe your ass fifty times and it still feels un-wiped. So you end up putting toilet paper between your ass and your underwear so you don't ruin them with skidmarks.

THE SECOND WAVE SHIT

This shit happens when you've finished, your pants are up to your knees, and you suddenly realize you have to shit some more.

THE BRAIN HEMORRHAGE THROUGH YOUR NOSE SHIT

Also known as "Pop a Vein in your Forehead Shit." You have to strain so much to get it out that you turn purple and practically have a stroke.

THE CORN SHIT

No explanation necessary.

THE LINCOLN LOG SHIT

The kind of shit that's so enormous you're afraid to flush it down without first breaking it up into little pieces with the toilet brush.

THE NOTORIOUS DRINKER SHIT

The kind of shit you have the morning after a long night of drinking. Its most noticeable trait is the tread mark left on the bottom of the toilet bowl after you flush.

THE "GEE, I REALLY WISH I COULD SHIT" SHIT

The kind where you want to shit, but even after straining your guts out, all you do is sit on the toilet, cramped and farting.

THE WET CHEEKS SHIT

Also known as the "Power Dump." The kind that comes out of your ass so fast that your butt cheeks get splashed with the toilet water.

THE LIQUID SHIT

The kind where yellowish-brown liquid shoots out of your butt, splashes all over the side of the toilet bowl and, at the same time, burns your tender poop-chute.

THE MEXICAN FOOD SHIT

A class all its own.

THE CROWD PLEASER

A shit is so intriguing in size and/or appearance that you have to show it to someone before flushing.

THE MOOD ENHANCER

Occurring after a lengthy period of constipation, this shit allows you to be your old self again.

THE RITUAL

This shit occurs at the same time each day and is accomplished with the aid of a newspaper.

THE GUINESS BOOK OF RECORDS SHIT

A shit so noteworthy it should be recorded for future generations.

THE AFTERSHOCK SHIT

This shit has an odor so powerful than anyone entering the vicinity within the next 7 hours is affected.

THE "HONEYMOON'S OVER" SHIT

Any shit created in the presence of another person.

THE GROANER

A shit so huge it cannot exit without vocal assistance.

THE FLOATER

Characterized by its floatability, this shit has been known to resurface after many flushings.

THE RANGER

A shit that refuses to let go. It is usually necessary to engage in a rocking or bouncing motion, but quite often the only solution is to push it away with a piece of toilet paper.

THE PHANTOM SHIT

Appears in the toilet mysteriously and no one will admit to putting it there.

THE PEEK-A-BOO SHIT

Now you see it, now you don't. This shit is playing games with you. Requires patience and muscle control.

THE BOMBSHELL

A shit that comes as a complete surprise at a time that is either Inappropriate to shit (ie. during lovemaking or a root canal) or you are nowhere near shitting facilities.

THE SNAKE CHARMER

A long skinny shit which has managed to coil itself into a frightening position... Usually harmless.

THE OLYMPIC SHIT

Occurs exactly one hour prior to the start of any competitive event in which you are entered and bears a close resemblance to the Drinker's Shit.

THE BACK-TO-NATURE SHIT

This shit may be of any variety but is always deposited either in the woods or while hiding behind the passenger side of your car.

THE PEBBLES-FROM-HEAVEN SHIT

An adorable collection of small turds in a cluster, often a gift from God when you actually can't shit.

PREMEDITATED SHIT

Laxative induced. Doesn't count.

SHITZOPHRENIA

Fear of shitting.

ENERGIZER vs. DURACELL SHIT

Also known as a "Still Going" shit.

THE POWER DUMP SHIT

The kind that comes out so fast, you've barely got your pants down and you're done.

THE LIQUID PLUMBER SHIT

This shit is so big it plugs up the toilet and it overflows all over the floor. (You should have followed the advice from the Lincoln Log shit.)

THE SPINAL TAP SHIT

The kind of shit that hurts so much coming out, you'd swear it's got to be coming out sideways.

THE "I THINK I'M GIVING BIRTH THROUGH MY ASSHOLE" SHIT

Similar to the Lincoln Log and The Spinal Tap Shits. The shape and size of the turd resembles a tall boy beer can. Vacuous air space remains in the rectum for some time afterwards.

THE PORRIDGE SHIT

The type that comes out like toothpaste, and just keeps on coming. You have two choices: (a) flush and keep going, or (b) risk it piling up to your butt while you sit there helpless.

THE "I'M GOING TO CHEW MY FOOD BETTER" SHIT

When the bag of Doritos you ate last night lacerates the insides of your rectum on the way out in the morning.

The Security Dump

You have enough on your mind when you're in the bathroom without worrying about a lockless door and someone bursting in to find you in mid-dump mode. So how can you prevent this embarrassing spectacle from taking place? One way is to strategically place your foot against the door. If you can't reach to do this...hum loudly

The Cling-On Dump

For the most part you've completed your dump, but there's one little morsel that refuses to drop off. You're getting impatient. Someone else wants to use your stall. So, you grip the seat with both hands and wriggle, twist and pump but that last little stubborn piece just hangs there, suspended, clinging like a canned peach between you and the bowl water. Maybe the person pounding impatiently on the door has scissors

The Houdini Dump

You go, then you stand up to flush, and the darn thing has disappeared. Where'd it go? Did it creep down the pipe? Did you dream the whole thing? Is it lurking out of sight? Should you wipe...maybe you should just to make sure you went. Should you flush? you'd better, because if you don't, you know it will reappear and smile at the next person who comes in

The Flu Dump

You feel so bad that you don't know which end of you to put down first. You have roaring cramps, so you sit down. Then a wave of nausea rolls over you like a cold fog, so you stand up and cramps squeeze your intestines like a vice so you sit down again...up down up down. Don't you wish Mom were close by?

The Porta-Pottie Dump

Construction workers and outdoor concert goers will tell you about going in a portable toilet. My best description would be, "Its like taking a shit in an upright coffin". Its claustrophobic and it smells bad...best advice...go in a paper cup.

The Proctologist Dump

In the beginning, the lord created the earth, the sky and the firmament, but I hope he didn't create this dump, because there is nothing biblical about it, you run out of gas. That's right, you run out of propulsion. The dump is right there at the end of your barrel and refuses to go any further. You grunt, you squeeze, you wriggle but it just stays there like a lump of lead. You've only got two choices here. One is to squeeze the damn thing back up your intestine and wait until next time. The other is to pretend you're a proctologist and go after it yourself.
Not a pretty picture is it??
The Whole Roll Dump
No matter how much you wipe, it doesn't seem to be enough. You blow the whole roll and you have to flush 25 times too. The whole episode is consumer waste.

The Graffiti Dump

You flush the dump and the swirling motion of the receding bowl water forces the dump to the porcelain sides, scraping a creative squiggle on its way down. You flush again but the curlicue hangs there...love it or leave it. Its your choice.

The Encore Dump

Ahhhh, you're done, so you wipe, put yourself together, wash your hands and are about to vacate the bathroom when you feel another dump coming. You have to return for a curtain call. The world's record is seven encores.

The Born Again Dump

This is a dump that's going so badly, you say "Lord, if I live through this, I'll take up religion" you always get through it, but seldom keep the promise you made in desperation, because a born again dump is like childbirth...you forget the pain quickly.

Ghost Poopie

The kind where you feel the Poopie come out, but there's no poopie in the toilet.

Clean Poopie

The kind where you poopie it out, see it in the toilet, but there is nothing on the toilet paper.

Wet Poopie

The kind where you wipe your butt fifty times and it still feels unwiped, so you have to put some toilet paper between your butt and your underwear so you don't runie them with a stain.

Second Wave Poopie
The kind that happens when you're done poopie-ing and you've pulled your pants up to your knees, and you realize you have to poopie some more.

Turtle Poopie

The kind of poopie that pops out a little and goes back in a few times before it finallly comes out

Pop-a-Vein-in-your-Forehead-Poopie

The kind where you strain so much to get it out, you practically have a stroke.

Lincoln Log Poopie

The kind of Poopie that is so huge you're afraid to flush without first breaking it into little pieces with the plunger.

Gas-sy Poopie

The kind where it's so noisy, everyone within earshot is giggling!

Drinker Poopie

The kind of Poopie you have the morning after a long night of drinking. It's most noticeable trait is the skid marks on the bottom of the toilet.

Good Shits

The Dream AKA The Wet Sausage:
This is the one you’re aiming for, friends. This is where it’s at. This team player slides out looking and behaving like a wet sausage. It’s as though your bowels were internally greased yet you recall no such recent occurrence. It is the perfect shit: excellent wipeablility, flushability, minimal odour, and a satisfying yet anal-conserving size – it’s the shit that dreams are made of.

Bad Shits

The Pin-Dick: This one may as well have never been inside you at all. It is so fucking disappointing that you have to peek around to verify it is even out.

The 90’s Lippie

Remember 1990’s brown lipstick? Well, this shit is like that. A brown bit peeping out of its receptacle. You want to release it with every fibre of your being, but for some reason are unable to, such as no suitable place nearby or you are in the company of a highly sexual suitor whom you wish to fool into thinking you are also highly sexual and therefore don’t want to break this illusion by defecating.

The Food Baby

This is a big’n. It could have also been named The Behemoth and could be easily mistaken for a Clydesdale foal. It’s like a baby coming out your rectum, therefore, it is The Food Baby. This fella will make you fucking work for it. If an anesthetist came in halfway through and offered you an epidural, you’d grab that fucker with both hands and beg them to do it instantly. When it’s over, you’re overjoyed although you are tempted to check your anus with a hand-mirror for signs of tearing.

The Humiliator

This one will only occur at the homes of others or at work. It is dependent on an individual waiting to follow you in. It does not seem to occur in the presence of a functioning fan or adequate ventilation. It is a stink that permeates and humiliates and fills you with horror and an inability to make eye contact with the waiting individual ever again.

The Regret

This one is the foe of all anuses. It causes you significant regret for previous meal choices that have left you with significant ring-sting. You dream of being back in Japan where the magic toilets shoot refreshing water at your arsehole. You consider climbing out the window to search for a garden hose.

The Tree Killer

This one has no fucking respect for the planet or your perineum. This prick of a shit must have come out sideways because there is so much residue that incessant wiping seems to have zero impact. You are forced to make a mental calculation on the likelihood of skid-marks versus the likelihood of devastating forest depletion. Ultimately, this decision will be made based on who does your laundry and how attractive you find them.

The Milo

This shit shoots out with little or no concern for your dignity, and leaves small deposits on the side of the bowl that resemble the dried on Milo that encrusts an empty cup.

The Adhesive

This one is like backing out kindergarten paste. It adheres to everything. Your inners, your outers, the bowl. In fact, it hangs on to the side of the bowl with impressive force, defying gravity like Sandra Bullock. It refuses to let go despite repeated flushing. You consider patenting it’s formulation as it could win a tug of war with Liquid Nails. Please refer to above Tree Killer for wipeability issues.

The Cheeky Shit

This guy has a sense of humour on him, I’ll give him that. He arrives with a minimum of fuss, business is taken care of, undergarments ascend, and then, uh – hang on a bloody minute, Phase Two. Cheeky fucker.

Lolo le lol