Breaking !....Pope's , Anti-Christs, Saints, and bike sheds...

The Pope refutes accusations of being the antichrist, by holding up the Bible...

'Look!.... there's only a tiny little bit of smoke'.....

Yesterday, The Pope made a statement that Dr. Fauci is to be made a saint in the new year.

"He'll be a great addition to the club of saints, " The catholic leader said. " Dr. Fauci has completed two observable miracles over this last couple of years, so there can be little doubt that he's not a normal human being."

The announcement immediately came under heavy criticism from large sections of the the catholic church , with one prominent Cardinal tweeting, ' I'd rather give my dog rabies than see that twat wearing a halo.'

Due to an unfortunate accident shortly after the tweet, the cardinal was unable to reply to the masses of tweets he received, supporting his stance.

The prominent cardinal seemingly slipped on his Iphone, while making toast, while sitting in the bath. He died of electrocution and three crushed vertebrae.

" It was a very unfortunate accident", The Pope said , after hearing the news, "Shocking , in fact.” He giggled... "God moves in mysterious ways. ...No, like seriously, I can't understand what the fuck he's upto."

The Pope has decided to not enter the departed cardinals concerns about Dr. Fauci ever becoming a saint into the records of the Vatican, simply saying 'it's Gods will, so deal with it'.

When asked about the two miracles that Fauci had performed (the threshold that's required to achieve sainthood) , the Pope explained the high standards required to meet the criteria.
1/ Any one who get's more followers than Kim Kardashian on twitter.
2/ Anyone that can convince the world that people who make billions of dollars by selling their product, are to be believed.

"It truly is a miracle " The Pontiff said. “Nothing like this has been seen before. That dude in Palestine has nothing on my man, Fauci…”

Reporters asked him about the twitter standard , saying that Kim Kardashian’s twitter account, actually had far more followers than Fauci's.

"Bots are people, to ", He said, citing Mark Zuckerberg's sales pitch to paying advertisers on his website, as supporting evidence.

While no one would disagree that the second standard of achieving sainthood was met beyond any doubt - concerns of Dr fauci's morality were voiced in the press room.

The Vatican's public relations department soon ushered out the dissenting reporters, using a little known rule that clearly says 'anyone being a pain in the butt to the narrative, is to be ejected from the press conference and smitten ... and not in a good way, either.'
Jesuit security chief, Don Carleone ushered the offending reporters out of the meeting with the comforting words ' it'll be horses heads in yer beds, if don't shut yer gobs, boyo'. (he's half welsh).

True to the Jesuits corporate motto of ' We can do it, so you don't have to' , the ejection of the reporters from 'The Rabble Rousers Times', 'The Sons of Satan Weekly' , and 'The Devils Spawn Daily' went off very peacefully, with only a single leg being broken.
(editirs update: a single leg being broken 23 times)

The Pope was asked if he thought that St. Fauci would be conducting even more miracles before he met his maker.

"Oh Yes, I'm sure he will," Said the Pope, " I think he's only just gotten started. He’s peaking… Only the other day, he said 'booster', and just like that, another 35 million people joined the congregation of our beloved Fauci ."

It's also been rumored that there may will be a 'double sainting' in the new year.
One where Greta Thurnberg will join St. Fauci in the Vatican, and both of them will be recognized for the saints that they truly are.

Miss Thurnberg declined to answer questions about her possible upcoming sainthood, saying,
" How dare you, I should be behind the bike sheds getting groped by people of my own age."

After her emotional outburst, (and a quiet word in her ear from her handlers parents) she stated that she would be honored to join St. Dr Fauci at the Vatican, if she was offered a sainthood.
“But I’m not sure I really qualify, my two miracles are small by comparison – I only convinced 4 billion people that climate change is real, and I don't think the other one really counts, it was only eleven boys.”

*She never commented on her twitter following being far smaller than Kim Kardahsians, but it was noted that Greta had actually been in touch with Kim, and had sent several tweets asking in great detail about 'diversity' and relationships.
One tweet simply said ‘are the rumors true, you know, about what they say ?... I , like, really, really need to know. The investment in the Bike shed action is getting, like, a little boring… I need to diversify my holdings ’.