Punny

The future, the present and the past walked into a bar. Things got a little tense

---

My dad died when we couldn't remember his blood type. As he died, he kept insisting for us to "be positive," but it's hard without him.

---

I just found out I'm colorblind. The diagnosis came completely out of the purple.

---

I saw an ad for burial plots, and thought to myself this is the last thing I need

---

I made a graph of my past relationships. It has an ex axis and a why axis.

---

What is the name of an Asian pilot who died in a plane crash? Sum Ting Wong

---

What's the difference of deer nuts and beer nuts? Beer nuts are a $1.75, but deer nut are under a buck.

---

eBay is so useless. I tried to look up lighters and all they had was 13,749 matches.

---

I wasn't originally going to get a brain transplant, but then I changed my mind.

---

I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high. She seemed surprised.

---

I'm emotionally constipated. I haven't given a shit in days.

---

My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned: couldn't concentrate.

---

What was Forrest Gump's email password? "1forrest1"

---

I wanna make a joke about sodium, but Na..

---

If anything is possible, is it possible for something to be impossible?

---

Scientists have created a flea from scratch.

---

Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

---

An angry bird landed on a door knob. Then flew off the handle.

---

A skunk fell in the river and stank to the bottom.

---

She said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I had not met herbivore.

---

I swear, whoever nicked my Microsoft office package is in big trouble. They have my word.

---

What kind of dog leaves permanent marks on the carpet when he scoots? A Shar pei.

---

Will glass coffins be a success? Remains to be seen.

---

Why did the Mexican take Xanax? For Hispanic attacks.

---

I tried to sue the airline for misplacing my luggage. I lost my case.

---

Where did Noah keep his bees? In the Ark hives.

---

I just had a near-sex experience... My wife flashed before my eyes.

---

What do you call children who are born in a whorehouse? Brothel sprouts.

---

If I was addicted to masturbation and then became addicted to sex would it be safe to say my addiction got out of hand?

---

Where do robots go for fun? The Circuits.

---

What happened when the semi-colon broke grammar laws? He was given two consecutive sentences.

---

I told my wife we could either have sex or go and see the new movie. She said she was on her period and the new movie was sold out. But she pulled some strings and got me in.

---

I'm positive I just lost an electron. Better keep an ion that.

---

Why was the little ink drop crying? Because his mother was in the pen and he didn't know how long the sentence would be.

---

Does your wife scream when she is coming? No, my wife has a key to the door.

---

How many psychologists does it take to change a lightbulb? Well, one, but the lightbulb really has to change itself.

---

A patient bursts into a doctor’s office, "Doctor, I believe I'm a deck of cards!" The doctor calmly replies, "Go sit in the waiting room, please, I'll be dealing with you later."

---