Farewell My Concubine Who Never Even Gave Me a Handy, by Fergus Balfour

This is Fergus Balfour, and I'm feeling nostalgic. I get this way sometimes when I drink too much and pass out upsidedown.

I was on Facebook the other day and someone posted a picture of me and an old girlfriend named Mai Ikeda. She was a foreign exchange student from Japan who stayed with my best friend's family during our senior year. Boy, I loved her. It reminded me of that movie Better Off Dead, except that exchange student was French and confused terms like "tentacles" and "testicles." With Mai, there was no confusion because she barely spoke English at all. She didn't know what tentacles were, she didn't know what testicles were...she didn't even know what Filet 'o Fish was.

When I asked her to be my girlfriend, she nodded right away. I said, "Are you sure?" She nodded again. I said, "Are you really, really sure," and she nodded twice. I was so happy until my best friend told me that she nods no matter what anyone says because she's Japanese and can't understand a lick of English. I didn't care. I had myself a girlfriend for the very first time.

I guess I got a little carried away because for our first date I brought her to dinner at my grandparent's house to meet my whole family. I was so proud to be dating her because she was so pretty. She had doll's eyes and a tiny red mouth. Her eyes were so big, she looked like she was always surprised. My favorite part was her behind. I'll bet you could crack a tooth on it.

We were the first to arrive at my grandparent's house, and as we made our way up the slate path to the front door, it was then I remembered that my grandfather had been tortured by the Japanese during World War II for a whole year. They planted bamboo under his buttocks and it grew right through him and out the front. His tormentors nicknamed him "Man with two penises" because that's how it looked. They even had women do pole dances on the bamboo shoot to taunt him. Still, I dismissed the thought that something bad could happen, forgetting Mel Brook's theme song from his film The Twelve Chairs: "Hope for the best...expect the worst!"

As soon as we walked through the door, I noticed my grandfather was wearing an eyepatch. Since then I've learned that if your grandfather doesn't normally wear an eyepatch, but is wearing one when you come to dinner with your new Japanese girlfriend, it's not a good sign.

When my grandfather saw Mai, he slowly rose from his chair and said, "Now that's what I call boot-y," like a pirate. If your grandfather doesn't normally talk like a pirate, but he does on the night you introduce him to your new Japanese girlfriend with an ass you could crack a tooth on, and this same grandfather had a bamboo shoot grow up his ass and out the front so Japanese strippers could pole dance on it, that's a doubly bad sign. If your grandfather disappears and then reappears with ten feet of hemp rope and a bamboo cage, mumbling something about a spinning basket trick, it's time to leave.

We ran out to our car, and I tried my best to explain what had happened, but that spelled the end of my relationship with Mai. I understand, I really do. It's kind of hard to apologize to a girl when your elderly grandfather is chasing your car while swinging a lasso and yelling, "Have some of Mai bamboo!"

Like I said, I'm kind of nostalgic right now. I'm what-if-ing my life and wondering what might have been. Maybe Mai was the one. But my biggest regret is that I never got to see the spinning basket trick. Does anyone know anything about it? If so, please share.