Ten Ways To Capitalize On Christmas

Everyone is always complaining that Christmas is too commercialized, but I think we haven’t even begun to scratch the surface. So, here are ten Christmas tips that will allow you to capitalize on the spirit of Christmas, making your season a little brighter:

• Hide the TV and stereo and replace them with a jukebox filled with everyones favorite Christmas songs.

• Before your guest arrive cover your drive way with firewood: this will allow you the opportunity to have your kids work as valets for the day. Also, you won’t have to worry about grandma not tipping, because at the end of the evening, she will do the right thing - if she wants her car back.

• Put out a swear jar and then start arguments.

• Have one of your kids wear a sign that says he’s a Wi-Fi hot spot and that he’s raising money for a school trip, so he can charge guests to log into your regular router.

• Install pay toilets, because seriously: if you did the crime, you better have a dime.

• Have your children bully the presents out of any other kids at the party. This is also good practice for school, potentially saving you thousands in lost lunch money.

• Install a pay-as-you-go electric meter; then when the power goes out explain how the turkey is still cooking, while pass around the collection plate.

• Be sure to supply your guests with plenty of eggnog, then convince them to join your new pyramid scheme, or better yet, sell them a timeshare.

• Have your guests book their Christmas dinner seats using Ticket Master.

• Video tape your dog humping the legs of guests, then start an interspecies fetish website using that footage.