My Hell's Kitchen - as Told By Husband

This is one of my most favorite stories my husband ( @smitty) has embellished told over the years. This was in 2013. I was on a Hell's Kitchen binge and I thought I was utterly hilarious.

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This may come as a surprise to some, but recently, Adrienne has been binge watching Hell's Kitchen. For weeks now, she has been screaming, 'WHERE'S MY RISOTTO?" to me. Each time I try to gain clarification as to what risotto actually is, I am told to, "PISS OFF!".

Tonight, I thought I would play the part and try to make her happy. So I called Koodge (my trusty sous-chef) over, rolled up my sleeves and got down to business. The rules were simple, I had to use what was on hand to create a dish that didn't get thrown back in my face within 45 minutes.

Having never made risotto, I was prepared to lean on my assistant heavily tonight. That unfortunately would not happen. Adrienne kicked Koodge out of the kitchen nine times in a 45 minute window. In the end, I was forced to man all stations by myself.

First, I started by melting half a stick of butter and sautéed some onions. Next, I added two cups white wine, one and a half cups of almond milk and a cup of water. Bringing the temperature up to a simmer, I added my dry spices.

Next, I melted half a stick of butter in a skillet and began mixing in the rice. Once the rice absorbed the butter and started to lightly toast, I began mixing in my stock.

This is the first time I was screamed at for quality control. Apparently, I should have been using freshly chopped everything vs frozen onions and dry spices.

Determined to fight through it, I started poaching the fish with my left hand as I stirred and reduced the risotto with my right. I remained focussed, determined not to let the fish go out raw, dry, or burn the risotto.

As soon as the last of my stock went in to the risotto, I began preparing my drunken diced tomato garnish while simultaneously flipping my tilapia all while continuously stirring my risotto.

At this point, Adrienne began yelling at me, "COME ON! PUSH IT YOU!! I NEED MY RISOTTO!!!! NOW!!!!".

"I have risotto two minutes out", I replied.

"WHY AREN'T YOU BLOODY COMMUNICATING? WHERE'S THE FISH! YOU CAN'T SERVE ONLY RISOTTO! COME ON YOU! PUSH IT! WHERE'S THE BLOODY GARNISH?! PISS OFF!!!!", Adrienne pulled no punches while berating me.

Obviously, I was the only person in the kitchen as she sent my trusty sous-chef packing. Who was I supposed to communicate with? I gritted my teeth deciding to drive on.

I added the cheese, moving my fish and risotto off the heat to rest. I took the drunken tomato garnish off the heat and so I could start plating.

"PUSH IT! WHERE'S THE PASSION? I'M COMING HERE FOR THE EXPERIENCE!!! WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?"

"I'll give you an experience", I muttered under my breath wishing I had my Blair's Death Sauce on hand.

I plated and held my breath as I served.

"DID YOU TASTE ANYTHING? WHAT THE HELL DO YOU CALL THIS? THE RISOTTO IS BLAND!!!", Adrienne screamed as she threw her plate of food back at me.

Luckily, I still had risotto and fish on reserve. I quickly put them back on the stove and added about a table spoon of salt to each before plating again (see picture).

You can blame @smitty for this "quality" photo. He is not known for his mad photo skills. ;) haha - It was also taken in 2013... maybe we can use that excuse... haha

"THIS FISH IS COOKED PERFECTLY! THE RISOTTO IS DELICIOUS! I STILL DON'T UNDERSTAND WHAT THE HELL THESE TOMATOES ARE DOING ON MY PLATE. WHAT THE HELL IS THIS? YOU SHOULD NEVER SERVE FISH BROWN SIDE UP!!! WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!"

I sat down to eat in silence. I didn't want to make eye contact with the monster my spouse had become. This was more than food criticism, her expectations were completely unrealistic. I am not a professional chef. We did not have the correct ingredients. She kicked my sous-chef out of the kitchen. Not to mention, she yelled thanklessly for the entire duration.

In the end, she hadn't even finished throwing her tomatoes on the floor before she yelled, "WHERE'S MY BEEF WELLINGTON?!"

I can only hope none of you have to endure a single night in My Hell's Kitchen.

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Do you have funny marriage stories? Share them with me!

To be fair, husband had not seen any of Hell's Kitchen and had no idea what was yelling on about. No. Clue. People. None. So of course, I am crying laughing when this is all happening. He felt utterly berated. Hahah.

This post was taken from a FB post that he shared in 2013. It recently-ish came up in my "memories" and it seriously has to be one of the most funniest things that he's done. Haha.

PS. The secret to a happy marriage is a funny marriage! :)

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As always @farmstead here blogging from FarmsteadSmith!



So, this is my verify image and I am sitting here cracking the fuck up, my eyes are welling up with tears - holding back as much laughter as I can, and I haven't even pressed post yet. Husband has no idea I am posting this. - But I am married to him, so it's fair game. Haha.


Photos by me using my iPhone 6s, unless stated otherwise!

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